Sunday, March 19, 2006

The 24gasm: What we missed part one.

So, I wasn't able to give timely gasms for the two hours leading up to the 7-8pm hour. Here's what you missed.

Tony woke up and was all: "Where's my wife?" as CTU employees by the dozens used barely audible whispers to say to each other, "Don't tell him his wife's dead, whatever you do. Tell him she went to a totally different hospital where, unlike here, people live long and happy lives." They do and he buys it for a minute or two. At the same time, the Subarov's looked shaken and pissed off, having been attacked by terrorists, terrorists who are shown to be in the midst of soldering something. Those guys are always soldering something.

Meanwhile Samwise's sister and her cokefiend boyfriend are apparently going to sell Samwise's keycard to the terrorists. I have no idea how the terrorist plot could have POSSIBLY hinged on the entirely coincidental event of these two idiots ending up with the keycard. I have no idea how these two idiots could have POSSIBLY known to call terrorists to sell the keycard. It makes NO sense. But because Joel Surnow gives me all this wonderful beauty for free every week, I'm going to swallow it and make that "MMmmm...delicious!" hand signal--you know, where I rotate the palm of my hand over my stomach while smiling and nodding my head?

Anyway, Samwise's sister calls the key card, "your precious keycard" as a shout out to the Lord of the Rings.

CTU is told that the next attack could happen "in the next hour." I imagine that when Bill Buchanan sees his therapist, he tells her: "It really seems sometimes like my life is a series of crescendoes that climax every sixty minutes." Anyway, CTU lets their guard down for a second, and now Tony knows all about his wife dying. Pour one out for Reiko, kids.

Back in the rapidly borifying Presidential sideplot, Ms. Logan is all pissed that her husband didn't stand up to the terrorists. Minutes later, he fails to even stand up to Useless Governmenrt Drone, Evelyn. Later, superstud Secret Service guy Aaron comes into her room and for a second we totally think that he's gonna get some--and he totally has earned it! But Mike Novick comes in and totally cockblocks him! Ugh! What a dick!

The terrorists plan to release some gas in the hospital. Vladimir tells his underlings to adjust the settings for "maximum casualties." I don't know what that means. It's a can with gas. You open it. The gas floats out. What is there to adjust of maximize? Does he want someone to shout encouragement at the gas? Get the gas mad? I know that dramatically shouting, "Release the gas!" isn't the most exciting Villain Moment in the world, but you have to understand some basic physics here.

Meanwhile Jack has broken into Robocops house and has his wife at gunpoint. She says, "You won't shoot me, Jack." My ass he won't. There! There's a little slug in your leg, for you! How'd you like that, Ms. "Trust me, deep down I'm the person who knows Jack Bauer the best." You don't know him! You don't know him at all! Quit kidding yourself! No one can know the glory that is Jack. And now your leg hurts! Bitch, you're lucky he left you able to walk.

And, over at the hospital, CTU is looking all over for the coffee urn that contains the gas, which is totally where you'd think it is--in the basement where nobody else is hanging out, near the HVAC system, DUH. They finally figure it out, and find the urn, only now they have to run with it upstairs and outside through a crowd that isn't even dispersed to put it inside a lightweight plastic aquarium thingy. Which they do, just in time. Years from that moment, the Department of Homeland Security will hold their annual meeting in Washington, DC. One of the breakout sessions will be called: "Hey. Those Lightweight Plastic Thingies. Why Don't We Carry Them To Where The Gas Is?" It will be sparsely attended.

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