Tuesday, March 28, 2006

An Attempt to Reset Our National Priorities.

According to the local Fox affiliate news team, scientists have come up with a way to make eating bacon safer. I wasn't previously privy to the news that eating bacon carried some sort of danger. Wife of DCeiver was there with the rundown: scientists are doing some sort of cloning-slash-genetic fuckery to breed pigs that are richer in Omega Sixes.

Well. Okay, then.

Dear Men and Women of Science:

I applaud your recently announced efforts to make the eating of bacon safer. That's certainly some outside the box thinking. I imagine you've already spent a lot of money developing this breakthrough, and more money is obviously going to be spent perfecting the idea and doing this genetic stuff with pigs on a wider scale. I'm sure that this will, one day, be considered money well spent. However, I have a proposition for you.

Please don't spend anymore time and money on this project. On behalf of the rest of America, I pledge that we will all strive to eat bacon in moderation for the indefinite future. We'll wait to reap the benefit of this breakthrough. In the meantime, we only ask one small thing in return.

Go cure AIDS or something.

That is all. Thank you, you men and women of science.


The DCeiver


Anonymous said...

How come all I get when I think about this project is this thing with pink scales, a snout and gills squirming on a table and gasping "Kill me! Kill me now!"

Safer bacon? Chew slowly so you don't choke before that heart attack kicks in. It's BACON for chrissakes. Good for you isn't part of it's job.

The Cut said...

I can see the "old school" bacon pigs bullying the new "streamlined tempeh-like" bacon pigs in the sty.

Lonnie Bruner said...

Ha! The classic divert-the-funds argument. As if the money used in the safer bacon project was diverted from AIDS research grants!

Sorry, but I'm a huge bacon fan, and I think it's worth it.

The Deceiver said...

I was thinking less along the lines of "What? Have AIDS funds been taken away to fund safe bacon?" and more along the lines of Safe Bacon Scientists saying: "Uhm, we realize that the world can wait for our breakthrough after we've managed to conquer ACTUAL problems, too."

Don't get me wrong. I love bacon. The best rehearsal I've ever participated in was the one in SCARLET LETTER when the actress playing Hester Prynne inexplicably showed up with a giant bowl of bacon for everyone to enjoy.

Lonnie Bruner said...

The number of people diagnosed with HIV in the USA is below 43,000 ((CDC 2004 Link). That's 0.00015% of the US population. I'd hardly say it's a problem in the US anymore---making Polio or Lupus look like real threats.

I agree that it's a horrible, tragic epidemic for the rest of the world, but hardly anything to get too up in arms about in the USA.

Here's to bacon research in 2006!