Thursday, March 30, 2006

This Makes Me Feel Bad For Suggesting Genetically Modified Pigs Were a Bad Idea

Gothamist says:

Here's a situation we've all faced: you take the train to somewhere and walk out the closest exit. Then you look around, trying to figure out where you are, and which direction you need to walk to get where you are going.
Okay. That's true. We've all faced this problem. It's called "momentarily getting lost." Side effects include occasionally walking a block or so in the wrong direction.

The innovative solution, from what they're told is this: a guerrila graffiti project.

...the idea is that some of us streetart types would print out these stencils [example above, Ed.], and then hit the streets outside the exits of the 470+ train stations.
Okay. I can say without question that this is easily the stupidest idea I have ever heard of. The reasons why are pretty self-evident. In fact, it's self-evident to Gothamist:

Of course this plan depends on the graffiti artist knowing the correct direction to point the stencil, and on trusting that they want to point you in the right direction.
Exactly. The typical "graffiti artist" is lacking the directions out of their own asses. Forget true north.

On the other hand, I have developed a way to conquer the problem of finding your bearings after leaving an urban subway that doesn't involve some retarded graffiti onslaught. It is a simple method that I practice everyday in DC, and I have roadtested it to 100% effectiveness in Atlanta, San Francisco, and New York City.

The system is threefold:

1. Don't be a fucking idiot.
2. Don't be a big pussy.
3. If you get lost, repeat steps one and two.

Here's a simple mnemonic device that you can use to remember this technique: "Idiot. Pussy. Idiot. Pussy. Don't be one." If anyone needs this tattooed to their forearm, though, let me know.

Also, here's the wikipedia entry for these things commonly called "maps."


patrick said...

1. Don't be a fucking idiot.
2. Don't be a big pussy.
3. If you get lost, repeat steps one and two.

OK, now you're my fucking hero.

Can we expand the mandate on this from "Tips on how to handle navigating a new city" to "The DCeiver's Guide on How Best to Run One's Life"?

KCinDC said...

I know it's shamefully geeky, but I have a cheap compass ball on my keychain, which seems preferable to trusting an army of graffiti artists (even if they aren't being paid by Verizon).