Tuesday, April 18, 2006

The 24gasm: 12-1am

  1. So they showed some extended scene from Kiefer's upcoming movie The Sentinel. Kiefer makes us mildly interested in this movie. And it has one thing going for it: it in no way reminds us that Katie Holmes is the Church of Scientology's official New Millennium Brood Mare and her fake baby is coming, coming very soon, to devour the sun. But, sadly, The Sentinel involves neither snakes and or planes and or potential live blogging opportunities with the Governess. Also, we took a household straw poll over whether Eva Longoria is even in the least tiny way believable as a Secret Service Agent. 50% of respondents said "Hell no!" while the other 50% said "Hell fucking no." Though the good news is that 100% of respondents thought she could successfully play a piece of furniture with an earpiece.
  2. Logan kvetches as the media totally hates on the martial law. Just like the media. They never report on the good news when it comes to the unilateral revocation of civil rights!
  3. Henderson seems a bit shocked that Bauer was able to escape by triggering the bank alarm. I thought that Henderson was supposed to be all covert-crazy genius, always prepared with the taser standing inside the door and knowing Jack like the back of his hand. "It's crazy! Who knew that the bank had an alarm that would summon the cops! It was crazy I tell you!"
  4. So, Miles...do we think he's in on the crazy treasony badness, or is he just a slime magnet jerk off who unerringly and purely coincidentally supports decisions that turn out to compound the awfulness with stupidity?
  5. It's so awesome that Jack and Wayne hooked up with the disgraced Bill Buchanan! Yay! Make Bill feel useful! He's a nice guy and deserves to be in the Super Best Terror President Fighting Friends Club. And poo-poo on Logan and his DHS goons for not putting some Jack Trackers on Buchanan!
  6. With all the hullabaloo over the importance of this tape, why the fuck didn't Jack and Wayne like, stop to dupe a copy of it? Upload that shit to iTunes, man. Put it in your jambox and hold it over your head outside CTU like Cusack, baby! Have Casey Kasem do one of his long-distance dedications to a time, many years ago when America would have just flat-out rejected out of hand the notion that our President could ever possibly be the sine qua non of abject fuckupery and mortal danger inducing nincompoopism.
  7. Sometimes, the "real time" convention makes the dialogue a little stilted. Secretary Heller asks Audrey what's up like, seven times. Then Jack pulls in and, having nothing to do, asks her what's up yet again! Audrey basically says: "I'll tell you dad. But right now, I need to make with some idle chit-chat to fill the time it takes to walk across the parking lot."
  8. Dude: Secretary Heller TOTALLY throatpunched Jack! Just like FoD Elissa Ewalt can teach you! She's like the John Basedow of throatpunching. She has a successful video series on tactical throatpunching. Catherine should do the same with her special brand of punching. But, man, I won't watch those videos.
  9. Hey, I have another opinion on the 9-11 movie! I read that the producers "secured the blessings of the families" involved in Flight 93. So fucking what? Let me tell you something: The only time you need to go get the blessings of someone's family is when you know in advance that you are going to exploit the hell out of someone's memory.
  10. Mike Novick shows off some skillz, calling the military to find out about apprehending Bauer. Then he just gets stupid trying to face down Logan. Logan is so crazy slimy as he twists and lies his way through these scenes that he makes those creatures in Slither look more and more like delicious sun-dried tomatoes.
  11. Still, you can see just how shitty the showdown between William Sweaty Cheese Head Devane and President Pasty Eyes Logan is going to play out.
  12. Martha comes in to summon her husband to bed for like, the NINTH time in the past two hours. Damn! She's gotta have it, I guess! This is one of the lessons we learned in the aftermath of 9-11 that you can be damn sure that Paul Greengrass doesn't have the guts or the vision to tackle in his 9-11 movie: post-terror attack sex is pretty hot. Oh well. It's the President's loss: Secret Service Agent Aaron Pierce is going to totally hit that.
  13. Speak of the devil! At 19 minutes till the hour, Martha and Secret Service Agent Aaron Pierce rekindle their furtive, forbidden love.
  14. Dude. William Sweaty Cheese Head Devane so totally FROSTED Logan with that non-handshake! I'm going to remember that for those occasions where I run into the non-profit dicks of my past.
  15. Logan is all: "How dare you judge me!" Uhm. You are the president. You are basically all about being judged. You gave up the right to expect people to reserve judgement when you became president. So shut the fuck up. The snap judgement is a quintessential American tradition.
  16. WTF? So, Logan's rationale for all of this was to gain control of the Caspian oil supply? He's really worried about the price of oil increasing to another $100 a barrel on top of where it is now during his four year term? Does he not understand that the price of oil is set by international cartels and that as even as shithouse as the situation is right now that there's little chance of that kind of increase happening unless every single one of the fears of the peak oil crowd went down next week, and for that matter the cost of the massive cover up he's going to have to pull in any event will offset the minimal gains provided by the Caspian oil states which are all crazy ass troubled regimes run by total madmen? This guy is REALLY stupid.
  17. This is the second episode where they've used this kinda hilarious but also kinda best James Bondian surf guitar music on the soundtrack as the good guys are pulling schemes. Whoever does the music definitely studied at the Joel Surnow School of Magnificent Bastardry.
  18. Chloe comes over to Bill's house. That's where the Super Best Terror President Fighting Friends Club are going to set up shop. Maybe after all is said and done, Bill Buchanan and Chloe can set up some home-based security business to carry on the important private-sector work that Tony Almeida and Michelle Dessler were doing before they were, from this mortal firmament, untimely ripp'd.
  19. Oooh! Better yet! Maybe Bill Buchanan and Chloe will fuck each other! That would be so best.
  20. Okay. I am so not worrying about Secret Service Agent Aaron Motherfucking Pierce. He is so not dead. Everything is going to be okay.
  21. OMG! As Jack and Secretary Heller's hapless security detail guy were trying to fight off Henderson and his goons, did you happen to see what was parked on the emergency runway of the Van Nuys Airport? Hand to God: THAT WAS THE EFFING STAIRCAR FROM ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM SO NOT EVEN KIDDING FOR REAL AND TRUE. What a shout-out!
  22. Okay. Watching Audrey slowly trickle blood down her left arm was not my idea of a good time. But they did warn me about the graphic violence right up front, and, at the time, Wife of DCeiver and I did high-five at the announcement.
  23. "Our government has no integrity!" Gosh, where do the writers get their ideas from, I wonder?
  24. Wow. Did you see how many squares the screen got divided into at the end of the episode? That was like a 24 record! I swear, I was waiting for the big reveal that Ann B. Davis was in on the plot, too.

3 comments:

Castor OiL said...

This was very helpful. Last night was my anniversary and after a jaunt to the local haberdasher the Mrs. and I ended up at the local yokel bar and caught the last 15 minutes with closed captioning. That was distracting enough let alone having to deal with this argument from the bar -

Doode - "Mousaaoui, just fry the fucker. Get it over with."

Bro - "FUCK THAT MOTHERFUCKER I WANT HIM TO SUFFER EVERY DAY! I KNOW PRISON, HE'LL GET AN ASS WHIPPING EVERY DAMN DAY HE'S ALIVE SO I WANT HIM TO FCUKING LIVE AND SUFFER!"

Doode - "Nah, fry him. Fuck him,"

Bro - "I LOST 500 BROTHERS ON 9/11. THAT MOTHERFUCKER NEEDS TO SUFFER!!! PUT HIM IN A CELL WITH THOSE BOYS FROM DUKE AND LET THAT MOTHERFUCKER LEARN ABOUT SUFFERING!!!!"

Bartender - "Bro, shut up!"

Bro - "I GOT RIGHTS, I GOT RIGHTS!!"

Bartender - "I'm about to hit you with a baseball bat so shut the fuck up."

Bro - "Goddamn liberals..."

Doode - "You got that right."

So as I said I appreciate the recap as I was not able to pay full time and attention to the little bit I saw.

You goddamn liberal you.

Blogs t r e t c h said...

I'm glad somebody else appreciates the addition of surf rock to the soundtrack. I never thought 24 could exude whimsy, but now it sorta kinda does.

Gibson said...

Amen to 24 whimsy! That music was the perfect complement to the Super Best Friends meeting at Bill Buchanan's house. (PS If it only took Chloe one flailing hug to escape CTU custody, why am I not surprised that the whole complex has been brought down not once but twice, by a bomb and nerve gas, respectively?)