Monday, April 17, 2006

Faking a 24gasm: 10-midnight.

  1. So, the Project for a New DCeiver Century took up a lot of time and energy. Even more than I thought when I first apologized for it. But here's what you get for the efforts: I have more income, a new couch, better coworkers, the express license to mail out a whole bunch of "Dear Schmuckface, you are cordially invited to kiss my motherfucking ass" cards as soon as they are released by the Boynton Greeting Card company (because nothing says "Kiss my motherfucking ass" like a bunch of cute kitties and bunnies). Actually, I guess it's not so much that YOU get something as much as it is I get EVERYTHING. But, I think we'll all soon agree that I'm ever so much more inspiring and in a better mood now that to touch me is to feel the hope of the ages pulsing through your body. That, and $2.50, will get you a latte. Now, let's keep faking the 24gasm.
  2. Okay. You knew two weeks ago that Jack Bauer was so not dead. So not dead! You think Jack Bauer's gonna die in a fire? Motherfucking Jack Bauer was BORN IN FIRE.
  3. You know what else? Aaron Goddamned Pierce. Baddest Secret Service Agent in the land. He has total immunity and you know he is going to having some post-24 coitus with the First Lady when this is all over.
  4. The Department of Homeland Security. Joel Surnow is a magnificent bastard the way he depicts them as bumbling, conniving, coattail riding jerks. Just like in REAL LIFE except they also employ pedophiles!
  5. I thought Evelyn was the worst character but it's totally Evelyn's daughter that's the worst character! She totally raised that girl to have high standards in worstness. "I just wanted a better life for my daughter, DCeiver. I wanted her to avoid making my mistakes and instead make a whole bunch of her own."
  6. Miles. I hate him. Hate him hate him hate him. He practically oozes. I bet you that the character is just CGI, animated by Andy Serkis. He's THAT oozy and evil.
  7. I think that Audrey has without a doubt become the only woman for Jack. She has got so much sack, so much brio. She feels bad about having to appear to cut Bill Buchanan in the ass over that form she signed selling him out, but she's got that Jack-esque confidence that she's going to see it through and make it right and Bill had better learn to not give in to his mushy-ass emotions in the meantime. The way Audrey has stepped up this season, definitely puts her on par with Bauer. Jack and Audrey are like the Astaire and Garland in the CTU company performance of Easter Parade.
  8. I just realized I dropped an Easter Parade reference in a 24 article. There goes my Kinsey scale rating.
  9. Wayne Palmer, while your brother was alive, his was a voice that could be counted on to help talk you out of all your crazy-ass tactical decisions. But now that he's gone, Wayne Palmer, you are free to make the most of your awesomely crazed unilateral choices. Good on you, Wayne Palmer. But, still, you NEED TO STOP MAKING THAT ADAM MORRISON FACE. There's no crying in 24. Unless you are Shohreh Agdashloo. Then you are allowed.
  10. Deep in our hearts, this is what we want to happen: Curtis and Jack storm CTU, capping every last one of those DHS bitches, while at the same time, Agent Pierce rounds up a posse of especially touchy Secret Service guys to open up a can of Cream of Coup D'Etat. Isn't it funny that Joel Surnow, magnificent bastard, is making me think that?
  11. I have no time for Bill Buchanan's mushy feelings, but I will say that it really wasn't necessary for Miles to, like, totally call him out on the floor of CTU in front of everyone, and to do it snarling like a landlord from some 19th century melodrama: "Give me the rent! I must have the rent! Pennies dimes and nickels! I need them all right now!"
  12. A favorite scene: They DHS fucks ask Chloe to work with Audrey after Chloe basically is led to believe that Audrey betrayed Bill and CTU. I figured that Audrey would eventually be able to explain what was going on to Chloe--but nobody has a better "I am so not prepared to listen to you right now--just judge and judge some more" face than Chloe.
  13. Hopefully Tom Lee can offer me some gadgety information. Tom: these bomb-ass PDA's all the CTU guys have--with unlimited range and connectivity and satellite uplink shizz and thermal detection overlays for evading hostiles in "real time"--are they commercially available? BECAUSE ME WANT.
  14. WE COMMENT ON THAT UPCOMING PAUL GREENGRASS 9-11 MOVIE, PART ONE: Okay, like, this movie is totally tanking in DC and NYC, isn't it?
  15. WE COMMENT ON THAT UPCOMING PAUL GREENGRASS 9-11 MOVIE, PART TWO: Everyone is asking, "Is it too soon to make a movie about 9-11?" Well, look at it this way--we made a movie about Pearl Harbor 50 years after the fact. We thought enough time had passed in that case. Well, from what I saw of that movie, a) nobody smoked in the whole movie and b) they cast Ben Affleck. Clearly, we hadn't learned enough about THAT national tragedy. So, yeah: it's TOO SOON to make a movie about 9-11.
  16. WE COMMENT ON THAT UPCOMING PAUL GREENGRASS 9-11 MOVIE, PART THREE: Unless, of course, it's a comedy. Comedy helps us heal because the essence of comedy is juxtaposing the ideal with that which is not ideal, understanding it intellectually, and using our big brains to remember afterwards that there are things in the world we recognize and nice and good. I maintain that if Seinfeld had still been on the air after 9-11, they would have done an episode where some second-tier friend of Jerry and George was all over NYC, milking other people's compassion because their spouse died on 9-11. "It's been so hard. He died on 9-11, you know." And Jerry and George would kvetch about it because, yeah, this friend's spouse died on THAT DAY but they died of like--really bad gas or something--something not related to the attacks. And the show's climactic moment would be them finally calling out the insincere friend but, of course, it would backfire somehow. Well, I would have laughed.
  17. Karen from DHS is like Michael Brown. She's been appointed to the position after doing, like, a really good job styling Martha Logan's hair.
  18. And like, that Martha Logan hairstyle got written up in the 24verse by the 24verse's version of Robin Givhan and the 24verse's version of Ana Marie Cox snarked about it on the 24verse's version of Wonkette. Can you believe Robin Givhan won a FUCKING PULITZER? OMG x megaINFINITIES = WTF!
  19. I think I was the one who actually was the first to tell the vacationing Ana that news and let me tell you: amused she was not. She was pretty fucking far removed from amused. How far removed? Google Map the distance between Sri Lanka and the center of the fucking sun. That's how far removed.
  20. I love how the President was able to revive the arrest order for Jack without having to reveal any evidence. He only had to tell people about it. "Wow, Karen. I am looking at the evidence against Jack right now...man, oh man. This is good stuff. This is some real good evidence, yo."
  21. The day is totally going to be saved by William Devane and his giant, sweaty cheese head.
  22. The bank manager deserved better. He's a hero. They should mark the day of his birth with a holiday--Bank Managermas--and they should sing carols.
  23. Ace Young and his reedy, stupid-ass falsetto have to die.
  24. Okay, I'm getting off topic.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Curb Your Enthusiasm" by Larry David did have a "9-11" episode like you mentioned - some guy mentioned how his cousin "died on 9-11" and later on Larry found out the cousin died when the bike he was riding uptown was hit by a car and had nothing to do with "9-11" and he finally called him out on it.

The Deceiver said...

HOLY SHIT! I effing KNEW it! I'm totally going to start getting Curb Your Enthusiasm on Netflix so I can see this. YOU HAVE MADE MY DAY!!!

Anonymous said...

get a life or pay ur rent eathr way u should stop watchn tv.

The Deceiver said...

Learn to spell, loser.