Saturday, April 01, 2006

The Hallucinatory State Of Our Union

If there is anything that we, the body politic, have lost in the wake of the Red America blog being tossed in the ashcan of history, it is somethine alluded to in his mea all-a-you-a culpa (take one):

"To my enemies: I take enormous solace in the fact that you spent this week bashing me, instead of America."
I know, I know. I thought the same thing! Who is out there, bashing America? I can tell you with near 100% certainty that the people I live near, with and by and with whom I interact with on a daily basis all say the same thing: AMERICA IS SO TEH AWESOME!

That's when I stepped back, and REALLY took stock of what everyone's been talking about in 2006, and that's when I realized that I actually COULD identify the group of miscreants who have been bashing America!

Ladies and gentlemen, be on the lookout for...THE STRAW MEN!

Raawwr! Now that I'm through pasting other people's words
in Ben Domenech's columns, I can get back to destroying the State!

I mean HOLY SHIT WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT MOTHERFUCKER! That shit is TERRIFYING! Sweet fancy Moses, if I ran into one of those things I would splatter-paint my boxers so bad you'd swear it was the stall over at Media Matters!

The good news, and there is good news, is that the Straw Men are apparently hallucinatory. They don't really exist. But for those that believe in them, like Fall Out Boy, they may as well be real. No one is certain what causes these hallucinations. Maybe if you're around whatever glue they use to bind the books at Regnery long enough you just start straight up TRIPPING BALLS and before you know it, the Haystack People are crawling all over the walls. Maybe the Fog Of War has some weird-ass mystical power like the fog in that horror movie Maggie Grace starred in. Maybe if you take too many blows upside the head from Cynthia McKinney you just start seeing things. She CRAZY. And her cellphone hurtses us!

Whatever it is, it is not good. A lot of people are suffering from the hallucinations. Did you know that the Straw Men don't even want the NSA to listen to phonecalls from terrorists!? Shocking!

Not much is known about the straw men, but slowly, we're picking up clues. For example, we have learned from Howard Kaloogian--GOP Congressional Wannabe and Taker of Magical, Faerie-Dusted Photographs--that the Straw Men work in journalism!

But, each day the news media finds any violence occurring in the country and screams and shouts about it - in part because many journalists are opposed to the U.S. effort to fight terrorism.
Yikes! It's the Straw Men! And they've gone to J-School. We've never ever seen one of the Straw Men's newspapers, but we imagine them to resemble this artist rendering:

I'm not even sure this stuff shows up on Lexis-Nexis! The Straw Men are that stealthy!

At any rate, it's very clear that these entities, while nothing more than complete and utter fabrications from the minds of the head-wounded and fever swamped, are the most DANGEROUS ENEMY we face today. Here at The DCeiver, we'll continue to keep an eye on them. And they, on us.

[Straw Man image from Sasha Frere-Jones]


playfulinnc said...

You said "splatter paint my boxers" and my brain exploded.

inanecrap said...

Well said, comrade!!! ;)