Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Logan Circle Parking Folderol Is About To Drop! And Guess Who's Involved?

Over in Logan Circle, the feud between the autochthonous religious communities who doublepark with Terminator-like impunity and the residents who are sick of having their cars blocked in every Sunday is about to come to a hellacious boot-up-the-ass head, with District police warning everybody that they are finally going to start enforcing the parking rules for those neighborhoods.

As you might imagine, for the church officials, this is the fucking APOCALYPSE.

But, as we read
DCist's (typically AWESOME) article about the matter, our eyebrows arched in cartoon recognition of a nemesis we faced down earlier this month. See if you can guess who we're talking about!

"It is not fair for the city or newcomers to conspire to force our worship communities out of the District of Columbia into neighboring jurisdictions - and our houses of worship will not go without a fight."

Thus spake the Rev. Steve Tucker, of the New Commandment Baptist Church. I'm presuming, of course, that this "new commandment" is number eleven--"Thou shalt make with the mad screaming 'VOID WHERE PROHIBITED' yells wherever and whenever you don't feel like complying with the settled rules and laws of the land."


But that's not the point. This is the point: I cannot recall anyone from the city or any newcomer who has stated that their intent is "to force our worship communities out of the District of Columbia into neighboring jurisdictions." You see, it's a simple equation.

Enforcing Parking Restrictions
<>
"to force our worship communities out of the District of Columbia into neighboring jurisdictions."

So, we have to wonder: Who are these people who want "to force our worship communities out of the District of Columbia into neighboring jurisdictions?"

I think you know! Yes: They are back!

THE STRAW MEN!

"Raawwr! We can't wait until all the urban churches are forced to move to Maryland! That'll teach them for loving Jesus so damn much! Rooowwwr!"

Once again, we have to say, LOOK AT THAT STRAW MAN HOLY SHIT THAT IS TERRIFYING! Could you imagine how badly you'd wet your own pants if you bumped into that motherfucker behind Bar Pilar?

I'd imagine that if you were to see one, you just might go so crazy mental with fear that you might say something as BRACINGLY STUPIDO as the Reverend Graylan Hagler, pastor of Plymouth Congregational United Church of Christ, who said and I quote:

"Since many of our religious institutions have been operating for years, and some for a century or more, and many have had to improvise for years when it comes to parishioners parking in an urban environment, why has the [city] administration chosen to enforce already existing regulations at this time and not before?"

Yeah, dude! Like, we were here before CARS WERE EVEN INVENTED! Fuck the March of Human Ingenuity! Your world of autogyros and hydrogen-powered dirigibles makes us religious folk all a-scurred! Demons! Demons!

You also have to love anyone who demands to be exempt from the law because they haven't been previously subject to the enforcement of said law. It all goes back to that little known Constitutional Amendment, reading, "Yeah...or, you know...whatever. I mean, who really gives a fuck" that George Mason slipped in there on a Saturday night at the Continental Congress while no one was looking.

I'm sorry, church people, but I have it straight from Jesus. He says, "Follow the fucking rules." See, it's written in red, just like the Bible!

7 comments:

DCSOBloop said...

"autochthonous?" Someone's been reading the sleeves on their morning coffee.

The Deceiver said...

Damn straight. Wife of DCeiver gave me 72 hours to work that word into a blog post. I got it in just under the wire.

But, that said, I AM MISS TEEN WORDPOWER! Nobody knows the wreck of the soul the way I do.

jordan said...

i go to graduate seminars, and talk about straw men
i come home to read you, and read about straw men

Prof. McD said...

"Once again, we have to say, LOOK AT THAT STRAW MAN HOLY SHIT THAT IS TERRIFYING! Could you imagine how badly you'd wet your own pants if you bumped into that motherfucker behind Bar Pilar?"

As much as I just wet my pants laughing at that? Perhaps.

Anonymous said...

The rev takes his inspiration from from the New, New Testament. A prophecy from of old, from 1989. From the Book of N.W.A., chapter Straight Outta Compton, following verses: "Fuck tha po-lice!, Fuck tha po-lice!, Fuck tha po-lice!, Fuck tha po-lice!" Don't you realize that shockingly maybe only 75 to 80 percent of Americans are Christian. Helpless, oppressed Christian majority under attack, people.

SHAC said...

We have this wonderful thing called public transportation... You can leave your car and your double parking intentions at home when you feel the need to hear about brimstone and hellfire...

transuranic said...

several - perhaps even a few Loganish/Shaw-esque churchfolks had already stopped double-parking months ago. Shocked, SHOCKED! that there are those who are assoholic enough to not heed the word of Jeebus.