As you might imagine, for the church officials, this is the fucking APOCALYPSE.
But, as we read DCist's (typically AWESOME) article about the matter, our eyebrows arched in cartoon recognition of a nemesis we faced down earlier this month. See if you can guess who we're talking about!
"It is not fair for the city or newcomers to conspire to force our worship communities out of the District of Columbia into neighboring jurisdictions - and our houses of worship will not go without a fight."
Thus spake the Rev. Steve Tucker, of the New Commandment Baptist Church. I'm presuming, of course, that this "new commandment" is number eleven--"Thou shalt make with the mad screaming 'VOID WHERE PROHIBITED' yells wherever and whenever you don't feel like complying with the settled rules and laws of the land."
But that's not the point. This is the point: I cannot recall anyone from the city or any newcomer who has stated that their intent is "to force our worship communities out of the District of Columbia into neighboring jurisdictions." You see, it's a simple equation.
Enforcing Parking Restrictions
"to force our worship communities out of the District of Columbia into neighboring jurisdictions."
So, we have to wonder: Who are these people who want "to force our worship communities out of the District of Columbia into neighboring jurisdictions?"
I think you know! Yes: They are back!
THE STRAW MEN!
Once again, we have to say, LOOK AT THAT STRAW MAN HOLY SHIT THAT IS TERRIFYING! Could you imagine how badly you'd wet your own pants if you bumped into that motherfucker behind Bar Pilar?
I'd imagine that if you were to see one, you just might go so crazy mental with fear that you might say something as BRACINGLY STUPIDO as the Reverend Graylan Hagler, pastor of Plymouth Congregational United Church of Christ, who said and I quote:
"Since many of our religious institutions have been operating for years, and some for a century or more, and many have had to improvise for years when it comes to parishioners parking in an urban environment, why has the [city] administration chosen to enforce already existing regulations at this time and not before?"
Yeah, dude! Like, we were here before CARS WERE EVEN INVENTED! Fuck the March of Human Ingenuity! Your world of autogyros and hydrogen-powered dirigibles makes us religious folk all a-scurred! Demons! Demons!
You also have to love anyone who demands to be exempt from the law because they haven't been previously subject to the enforcement of said law. It all goes back to that little known Constitutional Amendment, reading, "Yeah...or, you know...whatever. I mean, who really gives a fuck" that George Mason slipped in there on a Saturday night at the Continental Congress while no one was looking.
I'm sorry, church people, but I have it straight from Jesus. He says, "Follow the fucking rules." See, it's written in red, just like the Bible!