Friday, May 05, 2006

The 24gasm: 2-3am.

  1. Is anyone else bothered by the fact that it's taking the CTU tactical team as long to traverse Bill Buchanan's front yard as it did for them to drive out to the Valley in the first place? What, is it the longest front yard in Los Angeles? Have they stopped to admire the landscaping?
  2. I hate to bring it up again, but where the fuck did Wayne Palmer go? I thought he was part of this ad hoc collection of misunderstood do-gooders, and filled with righteous vengeance to boot? I have a bad feeling that at some point when the camera wasn't looking in, he wandered off to the guest room and was all: "Damn! Damn! I am wound up! Gotta get a grip, Wayne. Come on. Gotta calm down. Gotta get focused. Deep breath. Woooh. Good. Now. Let's get our shit on reset. Recharge. Hmmm. I'm gonna take my shirt off. Okay. Just stand here. Feel the air on your pores. Relax. Oh! I know. Let me get my iPod out and get primed. Got some LL Cool J on here somewhere...there we go. Okay. Yeah. Uhhh. Oh, hell yeah. Now we got it flowing. Get that bounce back in the knees. Yeah. Let it out, Wayne, let it out. It's just you and LL. Just feed those ears for a minute or two. Then we will get back to stomping some ass of some motherfucking brotherkilling motherfuckers."
  3. Then, he pops out of the guest room, ready to set it off, and everyone's gone! And then, for the first time that day, Wayne will cry. Like a little girl.
  4. Karen Hays is totally slick with that whole: "Chloe has a car. Set up a grid fifteen miles out." Nice. Cool under pressure. And she didn't push it. She didn't panic and say something like: "Well, Chloe's no doubt got her experimental jet boots on! Look to the skies over Seattle!" No, keep it plausible.
  5. I love how Chloe has ended up at the worst hotel bar in all of California. The best part is as the shot cuts back and forth between Karen Hays--whose brain is exploding at the news that Jack's about to commandeer a plane--you get snatched of that cheesy hotel bar music.
  6. Meanwhile, the guy at the bar is a real charmer. I wouldn't be surprised to find that he's in the credits as "That Guy," because he totally is That Guy. He's every steaky hookup that's ever happened in the world rolled into one guy, complete with back hair, bad skin, bad lines, and a pre-1940's attitude toward women. You also appreciate how much better Chloe is as the female foil than Kim Bauer because Kim was too fragile to handle anyone. Kim couldn't even handle the simple task of posing as a librarian while simultaneously going five minutes without helping anyone out of surveillance range. If that one terrorist dude's daughter was the spitting image of Chloe, that season, 24 would have had to be retitled 18.
  7. Kirk Acevedo from Oz shows up here as Flight Marshall George Avila. And just as I was starting to enjoy it, Jack Bauer rips out the dopest hand-to-hand combat move ever and knocks his ass out. Motherfucker even has a pillow for him to lay on. Okay: Tell me this would not be awesome--we go back in time to the pre-production of Season One, and convince Joel Surnow that Jack has this little schtick--whenever he kills or incapacitates someone, he rests their head on a tiny pillow... like some crazy Kiefer calling card or something.
  8. Or, if not that, he flashing devil horns and yells, "Flatliners, bitch!"
  9. Watching Jack effortlessly slither all over this plane, deploying skillz galore, has rewhetted my appetite for Snakes On A Plane. To that end, I have this message for the SOAP producers. Look, Snakes On A Blog is tigs and all, but don't forget that me and the Governess have been demonstrating for your movie for a long time, too. And we only ask for a seat at the table, okay? Something local, here in DC. We'll lobby the Uptown to take the movie, and we'll have a dope premiere party. We promise the following: 1) there will be good snacks. 2) there will be colorful and decorative streamers 3) the G. will deploy her CPJL connects to get you whatever you need 4) at some point, you will get to rub Arch Campbell's head. Seriously. A seat at the table. She and I are completely prepared to sing "Maps" at you if you need convincing. Don't make us.
  10. Here's what I don't get about Dr. Romano and his fakey Bluetooth Earpiece Gang: all day long, the worst sort of criminals and terrorists and Eurotrash have been hitting up the President's celly like he was Mike Jones or something, and this guy waits until the middle of the freaking night to check in with Logan?
  11. Also, w/r/t Dr. Romano and the Fakey Bluetooth Gang: what is their plan? Where's their big bomb? Right now, from where I sit, their whole plan was to set off a chain of threats that have all been thwarted. Dr. Romano's all: "Dude. My agenda is so hidden that I can't find it! Bwahahaha, Mr. Bauer! How can you stop my nefarious scheme when I don't EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS MYSELF!!"
  12. One thing's for sure, I hope that Joel Surnow cements his magnificent bastarditude by having Dr. Romano's death on 24 echo his death on ER, except instead of dropping a helicopter on him, Jack pushes the Arrested Development staircar off a building on top of him--HOLY SHIT. THAT WOULD BE SO BEST.
  13. So why doesn't anyone notice the President's "tell?" Whenever he lies, he pauses, looks off in the distance, stands there stupidly, finds the lie sitting on the shelf across the room, then turns back and tells the lie. Surely someone's noticed this tic by now.
  14. Looking back on the career of Mike Novick, I have to wonder: is there some sort of class at the Kennedy School that prepares you for all the shit he's gone through? There should be.
  15. Mr. Lonelyhearts tries to mack on Chloe. "What up, babe! Hey, you runnin' some mad Voice Over Internet Protocol? Yeah, babycakes, I can get you some crazy bandwidth and I'm totally down with acronyms and shit. What's say you and me go up to my room and I'll whip out my T1 line for a little Me Over You Protocol? I'll put on my Self-Contained Underwater Fucking Apparatus and we get down to some Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of My Cock. You wanna watch me modulate-demodulate myself?"
  16. Chloe O'Brian: Kitten With A Taser!
  17. Okay, who knew that you could take a pocketknife, peel back the cardboard on the ceiling of the cargo hold of a plane, and start fucking with the ailerons? That's the second time Jack's solved a problem by availing himself of walls that have cuttable cardboard material where an actual, you know, wall should be.
  18. So, this House show. How is not like Knight Boat, where there's always a convenient culvert or river delta or canal for the Knight Boat to chase people? Are there really that many freaky-deak diseases out there? I'd always sort of hoped that we kind of have a handle on most things. That there could be like, sixty wack syndromes out there sort of bugs me.
  19. President Logan asks for someone to update him on a minute-by-minute basis, which, to my thinking, would be the most annoying way of getting updated in all the land. It would eventually be like minute 25 of an hour of power, only instead of getting drunk and losing all sense of time you'd be sober and ready to kill things.
  20. If you took the time to read Scott Evans' deets on the screen, you'll see he is from Mount Holyoke, Massachusetts. I'm guessing that as a matter of personal pride, Jack Bauer would never allow himself to get schooled by someone from Mount Holyoke.
  21. I love how this one passenger tries to get all Flight 93 on Jack and Jack just flashing the gun and a glare and the guy caves without a word. He probably slunk back to the other passengers and said: "Holy effington fuck! Did you see his eyes? I take it all back. Let's not roll. Let's not roll ever again."
  22. Why is dipshit Miles looking at Bill Buchanan and saying, "No wonder CTU fell apart under that guy!" Miles actively participated in trumping up failures to pin on Buchanan! He had to do actual work to make it look like it was all Bill's fault! Does he now actually believe that CTU fell apart?
  23. Here's what I don't understand: why doesn't Jack just play the tape? What is he waiting for?
  24. Four hours left, and I hope that next week they answer the one question I need answered: Where the hell is Wayne?


SHAC said...

Dude, I'm totally with you on getting SOAP into the Uptown. I will do whatever it takes--my "Maps" is okay, but my "Float On" makes people run from the room screaming and attempting to rip their ears off. My services are available when needbe.

Jay said...

You mention that this is the first time Dr. Romero calls Logan, but isn't it possible that he has called before now and that Surnow just didn't show it to us until it was revealed that Logan was, in fact, a bad guy?

Stolidog said...

I'm sure this is old news, but in earlier days, Dr. Romero was none other than depressed performance artist Montgomery MacNeil of Fame fame. He's all grown up now.