Monday, May 15, 2006

The 24gasm: 3-4am.

  1. Let's take a moment to pour out a forty for Grant McClennan, of the beloved rock group the Go-Betweens, who died in the days prior to this past episode. McClennan, a wonderful songwriter, will always be dear to the hearts of 24 fans because of last season's many references to McClennan-Forster, the morally deficient corporation who set off the EMP to thwart Jack which derives it's name from the Go-Betweens and the two gentlemen who formed its creative core, McClennan and Robert Forster.
  2. Okay, how awesome is it that Secretary Heller survived driving off a motherfucking cliff! That is the hotness, right there. My guess is that Heller's a shoo-in to win the fake Presidential election this off-season in the 24-verse. His opponent will be all, "Your hippy-shit son is a threat to national security" and Heller's response will be, "This nation has survived the crapulence of many of our sons and daughters and siblings and spouses--from Sherry Palmer, to the useless Kim Bauer, to that CTU director's bipolar daughter and Agent Samwise's crackalack sister. And this nation will go on, despite the shortcomings of our families. But I'd remind my opponent, that when a better President than he'll ever be had dispatched goons to dispatch goons of their own to kill me, I fuckin' drove off a cliff and swam my ass to safety. Plus, I've got Jack Bauer on speed dial. Hell, you know that speed dial entry that's labelled "9-11" on most people's phones? On my phone, that rings Jack Bauer. So does my poison control!"
  3. What does VCI stand for? And why is it so hard to land a plane on the highway? I thought that was one of the cool things the Eisenhower administration did--mandate that all highways feature regular stretches where planes could land in the case of an emergency. And, really, would it kill Scott Evans to be a little less pissy over his broken nose? He did, after all, jack up the pilot of the plane.
  4. Meanwhile, back at CTU, Miles, the bureaucrat you love to hate, is totally kvetching out. He's the person who everyone hates to have in their organization. Like, he gets all resentful for not being invited to be on the party planning committee, but when you finally relent and let him on and tell him he's got to make sure that there's enough ice, he's always totally mad. But ice is important!
  5. All this while, isn't Flight Marshall Kirk Acevedo stuck in the baggage compartment? That can't be too comfortable a place to experience a rapid descent into a near crash landing.
  6. Also, given the fact that Jack doesn't know for certain if he's going to survive the landing--or whether he's going to even get to try to survive the landing, given that he's a hair's-breadth away from getting shot down, wouldn't you think it wise for him to take the recording and play it for the people back it CTU? Or for somebody? In DC, the LaRouchies drive around in vans broadcasting shit all over the city--they'd kill for a recording like Jack has!
  7. F'real. Jack should've said: "Attention passengers, your in-flight movie for our trip today will be this recording of the President of the United States betraying the whole country, followed by a hilarious episode of The George Lopez Show, you know, the one where there's a hilarious misunderstanding?"
  8. Let's take a moment to ponder Co-Pilot Scott Evans and the Unstoppable Charisma of Chris Henderson. Here we have a guy who met Henderson on some lonely street in the middle of a curfew and was told, "You have to take the co-pilot seat on this diplomatic flight and get this tape out of the country. Can you do this for me?" And mind you, Henderson's all glassy-eyed and wounded and recently tortured and sweaty. But Evans is like, "Anything for you, Robocop!" Just another life ruined by Chris Henderson, the most venal of all 24 baddies.
  9. Sigh. Five seasons in, and we still have villains saying things like: "Don't worry, Bauer won't get far." Uhm, he's come back from the dead, people! Next season, it'd be cool to get some villains who execute their villainy fully aware of how awesome Jack is.
  10. President to Dr. Romano: "I know what is at stake." What is at stake? I still don't understand what the whole master plan is here! It's like everyone agreed there needed to be a bunch of terrorist plots that get averted by the skin of the teeth, and went about making that happen in the most circuitous way possible.
  11. And Dr. Romano's character's name is Graham? Graham? It's so hard to get worried about a bad guy named Graham. This is why we have names like Drago and Aleister and Boris. The guy named Graham is like, the head of Accounts Payable at Evil Doom, Incorporated. The guy named Graham is the guy that won Evil Doom Inc., Holiday Party Karaoke Contest. The guy named Graham should be the guy to whom Drago says, "Hey, if it's not too much trouble, could you kill somebody on your way out? I'd really appreciate it."
  12. Is it just me, or does Miles' blonde counterpart in suspicious bitchery look like Monica Potter?
  13. You know what they need at CTU? A telegraph operator. That way there'd be someone on staff who could go to Karen Hays and say, "Doot doot doot, dit dit, doot doot McDit! That Miles dude is going to ruin everything!"
  14. Karen Hays really takes a lot of shit from Miles. He's getting all accusatory about Jack's motives: "Have you seen the evidence? How do you know it's real?" If I were Karen, I'd say, "You know what, assframe? Jack is going to walk back into this office of his own accord, so rather than scramble another bunch of tactical teams that he's just going to thwart as if he was fuckin' Neo from the Matrix, I'm going to let him come right in the door. If it turns out he's got nothing, we CAN STILL ARREST HIM. IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S GOT SOME 'NO BACKSIES' AGREEMENT. Now shut up, weasel-face. Go open up a socket or something."
  15. Of course, it's also a little weird that when Jack does walk in, there isn't more of a stir. Maybe everyone's used to Jack being up to his neck in arrest warrants and just strolling in the door.
  16. Hey, it's Vladmir Bierko! We've forgotten about him. Now he reappears with some sort of envelope glued to his face. Maybe they were torturing him by playing Bullshit or something.
  17. So, in my notes, I've written the following: "How complicated is it? He isn't in the perimeter! How? Why?" If you have information that leads to the capture of the point I was trying to make when I wrote that down, please email me.
  18. So, Jack's back at CTU. If I were in charge, and had just risked my life and career to defy a presidential order to arrest him, the first thing I'd do is walk up to him and say: "Play me the recording." Instead, there's all this bustle to encode it and clean it and call a caterer for the listening party and contact Pharell and see about how long it will take for a Neptunes remix. Sigh. In the time it takes to finish all of that, everyone at CTU will have already heard the new Radiohead album.
  19. Mike Novick had better bone up on his knowledge of the 25th Amendment, don't you think? President Logan is having a full-on Smeagle attack in this episode.
  20. Hey, did anyone catch where Jack found out Audrey's dad was still alive? And, again, if you were Jack, would you let CTU's brand of malpractitioners treat Audrey?
  21. Jesus, this whole President Logan-is-about-to-end-his-life bit seems like it was stolen from Dead Poet's Society, doesn't it? Where's his crown of thorns? Surely Logan won't nail himself to the Cross of Not Being Able To Make My Own Decisions without it?
  22. A note on Dead Poet's Society. I was much younger when it came out, and at the time, I liked the movie. A whole lot, I'm afraid. But these days, I'm starting to think that the whole fucking movie was a lousy, manipulative con. Like, I can't muster any sympathy for Robert Sean Leonard's character. Now I feel like I'd say: "Hey, poor mister impossibly rich prep-school fuck! Why not just graduate, go to college, take acting classes on the sly and do what you want to do when you graduate? Christ, acting is fun but it's not worth killing yourself over. Besides, you were kind of miscast as Puck, I'm afraid. Your dad's going to die and leave you a fortune that's like fifteen times the operating budget of most DC theatres, so, just simmer down and wait." Plus, while I think the whole mathematic graphing of poetry that they tear out of their textbooks at the beginning is bogus, it's not like being taught that the greatness of poetry is such that it allows you to make a complete ass of yourself is the academic lesson I'd substitute in it's place. And what's with Ethan Hawke's character? "Now that nothing's at stake, I think I'll stand on my chair! Woo-hoo, I'm a hero to all my peers that weren't interested in getting any pussy until we all started reading Keats in a cave! I'm the greatest! Cast me in Mystery Date!"
  23. God, I love Graham Romano and his passive-agressive Presidential suicide hotline! And, if you were going to end your life, wouldn't you finish the bottle of liquor? Why just pour yourself the one glass? No one's going to want to drink the Scotch that you were drinking before you killed yourself. Except for maybe Glenn Danzig.
  24. Oh, Miles. Poor Miles. You have put yourself right in Jack Bauer's crosshairs. Chloe's going to totally say that you were in the rook fucking with the tape. And Jack isn't going to ask permission to pour vinegar all over you and hook your teeny little green olive balls up to something that says "Danger! High Voltage!" on it. And no one's going to stop him, Miles. Shit, even Cindy Sheehan would probably say, "Feh. Well. He had it coming."


jordan said...

i watched dead poet's society for the first time last year...great for adolescent boys, dreck for anyone else...

nm said...

how excited am i about the shout-out i got in this week's hour of 24? very.