Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The 24gasm: 6-7am.

  1. Okay. Here we go. We have one hour to bring Logan to justice and explain what Dr. Romano and the Bluetooth Dorks have to do with any of this. At this point, I haven't ruled anything out. Maybe those guys are the National Hockey League or something, and I still don't understand what the grand plan was supposed to be.
  2. Wow. I guess you can add premature ejaculation to President Logan's list of high crimes and misdemeanors. I mean, even if we give him the six extra minutes that were left at the end of the previous episode, that still means he went from being fully clothed to getting redressed in eight minutes. No wonder Martha Logan looks about thirty times more unhappy than she has at any point in this episode.
  3. Jack tells Chloe: "Hold on, I'm switching to com." This is a nice shout-out to the script supervisor, who is the person in charge of maintaining continuity throughout the 24verse. Script supervision is probably harder on 24 than just about anything else on television. We learned in our weekly reading that one of the script supervisor's major jobs is making sure Jack switches from his cellphone to "com" at the right time, so that he's not engaging hostiles while holding his handpiece up to his ear. Way to go, script supervisor!
  4. Wow. Their plot to foil Logan basically hinges on how fast Mike Novick can make and send copies. We know this isn't the real world because no Chief of Staff knows how to do that sort of thing.
  5. Damn. That is one ugly helmet Jack has to wear. Huge, too. That thing was like, designed for James van der Beek's head.
  6. Bauer tasers the Secret Service detail and takes his helmet off, revealing his identity to Logan, and all I can think about is how badly I wished he had used the line: "HappyBirthday, Mister President."
  7. They take the helicopter to an abandoned printing press. Is that a metaphor for the sorry state of the media today?
  8. So, Morris shows up with the "equipment", once again blazng his way through Los Angeles as if he were pure quicksilver, and then he takes off. Hey, how about introducing BRAND NEW CHARACTERS in the last five minutes of a series? Later, Morris. See you next season.
  9. Ewwww. Jack is silently watching Logan become unglued, and as Logan flops his head around, we're getting a really good look at Logan's floppy-ass jowls and they are the grossest thing you've ever seen. It's like a deflated haggis is trying to fight its way out of his shirt collar.
  10. Wow. That's so not how I thought this was going to go. Though, in retrospect, Logan makes a good point about how no one would believe any statements he made under torture, and it's hard to see how the threat of killing someone would lead to the confession being treated as beyond reproach. Nevertheless, I think we've all learned an important lesson--when you have a tape of the President admitting to a crime, PLAY THE FUCKING THING! Let's all agree to do this from now on. I cannot stress it enough.
  11. And the band played John Philip Sousa's Woeful Lament For David Palmer.
  12. President Logan once again launches into his favorite excuse for his actions: "I did it for the good of the country!" Okay. Explain this to me. If all of Logan's plans had come to fruition, how exactly would the country have benefitted? I don't get it! There's being cruel only to be kind, I guess, but this is more being daft only to be a grade-A criminal dickmiser.
  13. I need to give a wag of the scrotum to whoever paired this Heineken Light crap with that execrable Pussycat Dolls song. This commercial has been burning up commercial breaks cable-wide for the last few months, and everytime I hear it, part of my soul dies. Even more than those crackmired Fanta spots. Thanks, Heineken, for ruining many moments of the second half of the television season.
  14. President Logan is about to give his speech and no ones managed to pry a confession from him. Maybe they've loaded a confession onto the TelePrompter in the hopes he'd be too dense to realize what he's saying, Anchorman steez.
  15. Oh, snap! Bauer placed the listening device ON Logan! Thus rightly hoisted on his own petard. And he had the smart questioning of Martha Logan and Morris O'Brian's technical expertise to thank. The good guys have a deep ass bench, even after killing everyone off yesterday morning.
  16. President Logan: pwn3d.
  17. Okay. Now we have fifteen minutes left for Jack to roll up Dr. Romano and his gang of Bluetooth Earpieced Criminals and expose their crime for the pointless and nonsensical endeavor it was. I want to have that Scooby Gang moment at the end of this shit. Speaking of, wouldn't it have been awesome if Jack Bauer had been in the Scooby Gang? At the end of every episode, the bad guy would say: "...and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling--hey...HEY! What're--what're you doing with my balls! WHAT THE--OH, MY GOD! THE PAIN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME!!SWEET MOTHER MARY AND JOSEPH MAKE IT STOOOOOP!!"
  18. Audrey and Jack reunite on the tarmac of the airport. Audrey's looking well for someone who lost four pints of blood and ruined her most stylish coat. She says, "Jack...when I heard that you kidnapped the President..." Oh, my. What a RELATIONSHIP these two are going to have!
  19. Someone tells Jack that his daughter is on the phone. I instantly recognize that something is very wrong. In the 24verse, the appearance of Kim Bauer--even the mere invocation of her name--is a harbinger of deadly, deadly danger. Sure enough, the ever primed for combat Jack walks into a dark, unoccupied warehouse and gets jumped and dragged off! I tell you, the one call you don't have patched through to your com could be your last!
  20. Bill Buchanan's love connection with Karen Hays is going to have to wait. Still, it was nice to see Bill smile with all his teeth for the first time. You earned it, Bill. Now go home, get some rest, and have Chloe come by and upgrade your computer. Maybe see if she can install a Phoenix Shield. I hear those are really hot right now.
  21. Chloe is handed a picture. Oh! That's right! Edgar Styles died this season!
  22. Dude. What an ending. "Did you think the Chinese...would forget, Mr. Bauer?" Chilling. Even moreso when you're me and you remember the last time you went to Hunan Number One and had the manager swing by with your plate of fortune cookies and orange slices. "Hey! I can't believe I didn't remember we had fortune cookies coming!" I said. "What...did you think the Chinese...would forget, Mr. DCeiver?" I think it's just something that they do.
  23. So dig it. Next season, America finally gives back to Jack Bauer for all the shit he's been put through. Audrey rustles up an awesome gang of rescuers, we're talking Chloe, Bill, Curtis, Chloe's weird ex-husband, Agent Pierce and Martha Logan (when they aren't fucking each other's brains out), one-handed James Badge Dale, Chief Petty Officer Rooney, the two Middle Eastern sporting goods store clerks from a couple seasons ago, Matt Dillon's survivalist brother from Season 2, the kids who Kim Bauer saved from child abuse, and, hell, let's say seven-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong as they invade China to rescue Jack from the people he wrongly supposed might forget. Awesome sounding season, n'est-ce pas? And then, of course, the season after that, they need to take 24 hours and explain who the hell Dr. Romano is working for and what, exactly, was their plan this season.
  24. Well, what a season. Joel Surnow, you are one magnificent bastard, and, of course, how could all of this have happened without the crazy and charismatic genius of Mark Rabinowitz? It couldn't have. I think, though, if there was one thing I would have added to this fine conclusion, it would have been a slow-motion montage of Jack getting worked over by the Chinese goons, all set--American Idol stizz--to the dulcet strains of Daniel Powter's "Bad Day." To wit:
Where is the help when you need it the most?
You kicked the President's ass but now you're toast.
They tell me you beat the terrorist sleaze.
Now you're getting kidnapped by Chinese.
And I don't need no carryin' on.
Because you had a bad day.
You nearly got shot down.
And Tony Almeida's six feet in the ground.
Edgar Styles is dead.
Chloe took that so hard.
How'd the baddies end up with Agent Samwise's key card?
You had a bad day,
Now they're working your bowel.
You're daughter's a ho, dating C. Thomas Howell.
You had a bad day.
You had a bad...24 hour period.

25. Man. When he finally wakes up, Wayne Palmer is going to kick himself for missing all of this shit!


7 comments:

Mason said...

Jack cooridinated a tactical strike on an airport terminal via a Treo uplink while sitting in an air conditioning duct, and they can't patch a call through to a single cell phone?

Tearfully reunited with his lost love? check. The promise of finally reconciling with his daughter? Check. Call on a landline in a sea people carrying some of the most high-tech communications equipment? Check. Abandoned building? Check.

Seriously Jack? Sigh.

Excellent work this season DCeiver, you magnificent bastard.

Dan said...

really you liked it that much? i thought it was pretty predictable/bad. for another view, check out www.noml.blogspot.com

Thehairyape said...

What no reaming for the piss poor "slow boat to China" imagery at the end? Can some one at Real Time go to film school for at least a week?

Robson said...

I'd add Miguel, Kim's now-one-armed ex, to the Jack Bauer Counterattack Squad. You don't need two arms to execute those butterfly kicks.

But yes, I wanna see those Middle Eastern sporting goods guys back on the team.

nm said...

I was shocked to find out that Jack Bauer is not immune to chloroform. Shocked.

nm said...

Also, how lucky is Petty Officer Rooney for getting personal killing lessons from Jack Bauer?

Anonymous said...

"Jack cooridinated a tactical strike on an airport terminal via a Treo uplink while sitting in an air conditioning duct, and they can't patch a call through to a single cell phone?"

Word! As soon as they said "landline" I was like "More like landMINE." Is kissing that chick so hot that his Spidey senses went straight to Little Jack, thus preventing him from the logical response to being told to go inside: "Wha?"

"I was shocked to find out that Jack Bauer is not immune to chloroform. Shocked."

He can hold his breath for 3 or 4 minutes while dashing through a passage filled with nerve gas and then cut through a wall and then get back to safety, but white hankies hypnotize him and he fergits.

But he won't fergit that ass-whuppin he took. (Not until they Machurian Candidate him and send him back...)