Wednesday, May 31, 2006

How To Make Your Own List of Conservative Rock Songs

As shown by the National Review, it takes only a few ingredients to turn that rebel rock song you've been pissing your parents off with into a down-home paean to the redistribution of a nation's wealth into the hands of degenerate fatcats. All it takes is the following:

1. Extreme cognitive dissonance.
2. The willingness to ignore anything fact-esque.
3. The ability to discard the truth of an author's intent while savoring the delicate morsel of truthiness you manage to construct.

In that way, we can take a song, like...say, Tori Amos' "Me And A Gun," and have this to say about it:

"Me and a Gun", by Tori Amos
In this Coulterian anthem, Amos sings: "Yes, I wore a slinky red thing. Does that mean I should spread for you, your friends Your father, Mr Ed?" Amos is right to consider the many things women do each day that induce men to rape them and then later pass them on to their friends, relations, and animals from television shows.

It seems easy. And to prove it, I allowed my iPod to determine which songs get transformed into the next RNC anthem. This wasn't going to be easy. My iPod, for whatever reason, loves Snow Patrol.

Here's what it came up with:*

1. "Use It" by the New Pornographers
Carl Newman issues a cri du coeur for the United States to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge for drilling in order to provide energy for the future by singing: "If you've got something that sheds some light, use it tonight!"

2. "Cheated Hearts" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Karen O, stung by what she calls "the opposite of love," finds a new-found determination to wait for the right fella--stowing her "rings" for "a rainy day"--and marry into heterosexual monogamy. She exudes the sort of confidence that only a woman in a normal nuclear family can experience, saying directly: "Sometimes I think I'm bigger than the sound." The sound of all those feminazis screaming, "More lesbo sodomy! I needs it!" that is.

3. "White Collar Boy" by Belle and Sebastian
Once you join the Republican party, you'll be able to embezzle your employees' retirement funds and get off with community service.

4. "Theme Song" by Too Much Joy
The central part of the chorus, "To create, you must destroy," marks this as one of the most stirring tributes to economist Joseph Alois Schumpeter and his principle of "creative destruction" ever penned. In case you're wondering what "creative destruction" is, that's the term the conservatives use to explain why even after you pulled yourself up by your bootstraps and worked with zeal and diligence all your life, you still aren't getting your pension.

5. "Sister In Love" by the Envelopes
The narrator repeatedly asks, "Is your sister in love?" He may never find out, but he at least knows damn well what the meaning of "is" is.

6. "Nevermind the Enemy" by the Archers of Loaf
"Nevermind your friends 'cause you can make a joke of them." The Harriet Miers SCOTUS nomination, explained at last.

7. "Fox Confessor Brings The Flood" by Neko Case
Whenever a conservative pol gets his or her ass in a bind, the best course of action is to "kneel before the wheel" of a Fox confessor--like O'Reilly or Hannity--and he'll see too it that the problems are swept away in a "flood" or truthiness.

8. "Killer Parties" by the Hold Steady
My friend Ramesh Ponnuru went to a
Killer Party, once. And it was...THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY! BWAHAHAHHAHA!**

9. "Shakey Dog" by Ghostface Killah
Michael Moore criticizes the military for disproportionately targeting poor black kids for recruitment into the Armed Forces, and then shipping them off en masse to die in the Middle East. But damn if Ghostface and his crew don't sound like they'd be better equipped to be going door-to-door in Sadr City than whatever cracker-ass yoyos we have over there doing it now!

10. "Barely Legal" by the Strokes
"I didn't take no shortcuts. I spent the money that I saved up." Awesome, dude. Let's go grab Ayn Rand and listen to 2112 again!

*And, no, these aren't the only ten songs on my iPod, silly.
**This book: all about the Straw Men. ("Rooowwwr!")

For another side-splitting dose of hilarity on this topic, please go see Mr. Jon Swift. The Meatloaf entry made me pee myself just a little bit.


wharman said...

DCeiver, you're brilliant.

PK said...


When I just flipped through this post, I thought I saw "Bleeding Hearts" instead of "Cheated Hearts", and all I could think was, oh no you didn't...

Gibson said...

What wharman said.

PK said...

Miller's new list has "Little Red Corvette". WTF?

Red Line said...

Love it.
And that Ramesh Pannuru interview on the Daily Show was both sad and riveting.

PK said...

Pannuru really got destroyed there. He was a total amateur. It was like he won some conservative high-school essay contest or something, and the prize was a book deal. I usually really LIKE when cons go on the Daily Show, but this just made me feel awkward for the guy. I'm sure nobody at his prep school knew to warn him.