Friday, May 05, 2006

The Pompatus of Lost: 2.20--Cortez the Killer

Previouslies: Ana Lucia--when she wasn't yelling at someone, sucking at something, or fucking shit up, she was, uhm...asleep. She yelled at Mike. Mike, sick of not having his son around and watching the Losties loll around the beach as if they weren't in any danger, grabbed a gun and ran off into the woods after him. Jack, realizing that if he doesn't act, we'll be subjected to another horrible episode about Hurley and his weight problem and Claire's husband from Sex and the City tormenting him, goes off into the woods with Kate to stand around and yell at The Others. Unexpectedly, they get Mike back.

So, it's good to be back. As you know, time and outside business intruded on this enterprise, so we missed out on things like the saga of Hurley and Libby making kissy noises at each other or the Long Dark Teatime of the Clip Show, but lookie here! All at once, Lost finds its way back to an episode that hands out a healthy dose of the fascinating weirdness that fueled the first season. It's only natural that the writers had to work this year at grottily plotting ahead with the oddball thing they created last year, but looking ahead at the coming episodes, I think they've made it back to where they were all last season.

Lights up out in the woods. Jack and Kate find themselves burdened with Mike's unconscious body. "Michael! Michael!" Kate says, adding, "Michael! Michael! Michael!" But, unfortunately, her cunning plan to revive Michael and get him awake and walking again doesn't seem to be working. Jack darts hither and yon, believing that the Others are out there, but Kate prevails on him to take Mike back to the Hatch. Jack reluctantly agrees to call off his shouty filibuster of the jungle, and they prepare to carry him back.

Meanwhile, back at the Hatch, Ana Lucia is cutting up some mangoes.

And that intoxicating aroma sends her right back to Flashbackistan. Ana and her Cop Mom are in some sort of morgue. Cop Mom pulls back the sheet to reveal the dude she didn't identify as her attacker dead with a bunch of bullets in him center mass, done all cop style. Ana basically uses the words "I was not the one who killed this gentleman" to basically say, "Yeah, I capped him, Cop Mom! What are you going to do about it?" Now, most cops would probably say, "Feh. We both know the guy was guilty as noonday sin, fuck him" and most moms would say, "Oh, honey baby! I'm so glad you're okay! Oh, my precious little fawn! You want me to make up some waffles?"

But Cop Mom is apparently a high ranking member of the most In Touch With Our Emotions police force in the land, and she tells Ana that she's worried about her and is concerned that she may be close to a psychotic break and she wants to help. Of course, the best help would have been to never give this woman a stick and a gun and the tacit permission to use lethal force, but that's water under the bridge now. Cop Mom says in order to stay a cop, she's got to learn to respect the Cop Life, which Ana correctly takes as her cue to up and quit.

Back in the Hatch, Ana brings the mangoes to Henry Gale, but Henry Gale is on a hunger strike. Really, Henry, there are people not-starving on a not-deserted island who would kill for any other reason but to have that food. But it's not just a hunger strike, Gale is on a talky strike too.

That means, naturally, that we have to listen to Ana do all the talking. She tells Gale that she's been around a lot of killers, but that he's different. Huh? A little respected beat cop's been around a lot of killers? How come Ana gets to come like she's Karen Sisco when she's probably done little more than crack the heads of street drunks? Well, Henry Gale isn't buying it, and he mutters to himself, "A drunk-driving, unlikeable, Shannon shooting bitch who's about to get cold-cocked says what?" To which Ana leans in close and says, "What?" And Henry cold-cocks her and starts choking her, yelling about how she "...killed two good people that were leaving you alone!"

Except they sort of weren't, exactly. Nevertheless, it's the whole good people/bad people song and dance from Les Autres, and we can tell Gale really believes what he is saying because of the understandable passion he puts into his work w/r/t choking Ana. And trust us, it's work we greatly admire. And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for that meddling Locke, who enters suddenly and clouts Gale with his crutch, rendering Gale unconscious.

We return to Flashbackistan to discover that Ana Lucia's post-cop career took her to the wonderful world of the TSA, where we see her wanding people getting on flights. Okay: This explains SO MUCH. Those TSA guys are totally like Ana Lucia. You take one look at their face and you can easily recognize the disposition of someone who would kill you in cold blood given half a chance or throw you in a hole and starve you, or plan a trip to the bowling alley with you and your friends except that most of you wouldn't make it back alive and those of you that did would be left with memories that would literally burn you and scar you everytime you think about it.

Ana goes into the airport bar and once again orders that hateful, disgusting concoction known as tequila and tonic. That's when she runs into the recently stripped-of-his-license Dr. Christian Shephard, who's been making his way from bar to bar, slowly becoming the exact polar opposite of Sam Elliot's character from The Big Lebowski. For Christian, the dude doesn't abide. No, the dude pretty much does the exact opposite of abide.

So of all the airport bars in all the world, Ana Lucia had to walk into this one. Christian asks her how one gets into "wanding." Dude...just post a message on craigslist and within an hour you'll know all about it. Christian and Ana share each others pains with one another--she's the worst cop ever, he likes to down a fifth of vermouth before exploratory surgery...hey! Maybe Ana would like to go to Sydney with Christian. He's going there on some sort of mission and could use a bodyguard. Ana agrees to go along, and they give each other fake names so that neither one has to face their crippling fear of intimacy. Ana picks "Tom", like Kate and Claire's bfs. Christian picks out "Sarah"--the name of Jack's ex-wife. Imitating Christian, Wife of DCeiver says: "Hmmmm...you look like a...Cuntina to me." Wifey hates Ana Lucia. That's why this ep is going to be her favoritest.

Back at the beach, Libby sees Ana Lucia acting all steaky and cautions her: "Don't do anything stupid!" Wow. No wonder she was in the loony bin. She may as well try to grow a second head.

Meanwhile, back at the Hatch, Locke is pondering the doors that slammed down, still trying to recollect all the pretty images he saw in those fractions of a second that the lights were out. He wanders in to talk to Henry Gale, confused as to why he didn't try to kill him when he had a chance. Uhm, probably because he was in up to his elbows as far as manipulating Locke's outsized ego. Henry starts up again stroking Locke's dizzying self-love and his belief that he is the greatest island castaway that ever walked the face of the earth. He tells Locke that he is one of the good ones and that he had come to get him and bring him over to Other Town with its softserve icecream and its sliced bread and its killer evironment and its soon to open Otherdisney. It's just the best over there, and their leader is so totes cool! He loves the Leader! Na na na na na na na na LEADER! Na na na na na na na na LEADER! LEADER! LEADER! BATMAN!

Henry Gale is worried though. Because he's failed at his mission, and now Jack's gone to trade him for Walt and since he knows the illustrious and wise leader will never give in to those demands and so its a given that Jack's going to come back knowing he's not enough of a bargaining chip to keep around any more. Henry's doing everything to convince Locke that he should join Team Other that I'd be surprised he hasn't gotten to the part where he convinces Locke to lock in one of their great deals on Other Beach Timeshares, but that's when Jack and Kate return with the prone Michael in their arms.

Out in the Jungle, Sawyer is poking mangoes out of the trees when Ana approaches him. She wants a gun, and naturally, Sawyer isn't feeling inclined to give her one. She snarks that Jack's off in the woods making time with his girlfriend. I'm not sure how that's supposed to lead to Sawyer saying: "Aha. Yes. Touche. You have outquipped me. Verily, take a firearm." This is La Isla Encanta, not the Algonquin Round Table. Sawyer says: "Scram! Get!" Well, Ana's not taking this lying down! Or, er...rather...she is taking it lying down. Or at least she will be.

We return to Flashbackistan. It's 3:51 in the morning. Ana Lucia is up. She's drinking. Significantly, the alcohol is swishing down her esophagus in an anti-clockwise fashion. She winces, wondering why the Coriolis effect doesn't seem to be working. She has the whole Coriolis effect thing
wrong, that's why.

Jack's dad knocks on the door and he's getting more haggard and drunk-stained by the hour. He tells her it's time to go do what they came to do. And so, in a pouring rain, they go driving after midnight to the sound of "Walking After Midnight" out into the suburbs of Sydney, populated by the sort of people Sydneyians resent for travelling en masse to Sydney's version of the Cafe St. Ex.

Christian gets out of the car and walks up to a house. He knocks. Ana is doing a great job guarding his body, by the way. She's got his body on lockdown. After a moment, a woman comes to the door, played by the actress who looked most like she could possibly be Claire's mom in the audition. Christian gripes that he wants to see his daughter, that he paid her mortgage and he deserves to see her. I guess if Claire is Jack's half-sister, that means Christian has magical fate-altering jizz that makes kids that can repair badly broken backs all of one time and have babies with crazy-ass psychic abilities that are coveted by Tom Cruise's crazy-ass half-brother. Maybe Claires Mom and Jack's Dad have a yell fight, but in the end he is denied.

Back at the beach, Hurley comes to Sayid hoping to get their radio to play music. His crazy plan is to build Libby a house, tune it in to a terrestrial radio station, wait for that station to play Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes", run to the house he built for Libby, get her attention, and then hold the radio up over his head hoping that the tuning doesn't switch to "Freak On a Leash" or some shit like that. Got it? Perfect plan. Only Sayid and his elementary lessons of physics get in the way of all that. Also, Sayid has never seen "Say Anything", so he has no frame of reference. Now, if Hurley had mentioned the Iraqi cinema classic "Say Only What You Are Told To Say Or Uday Will Gut You Like A Fish", they would have connected. Sayid would have said: "Ah, yes. Truly a movie about a deep romance! And also deep lesions. Deep disturbing lesions from where you try to defy the government. Nora Ephron directed." Instead, Sayid suggests a romantic walk on a beach and a picnic. All lesion free.

Out in the jungle, Sawyer hears something. It's Ana Lucia, trailing him, hoping to find the gun stash. Sawyer says: "Ana Lucia, are you trailing me, hoping to find the gun stash?" Another brilliant Ana Lucia plan down the tubes--and remember, the Coriolis effect has no effect on their rotation.

So, Ana decides that having tried nothing and being all out of ideas, attacking Sawyer is the way to go. For a minute, it looks like she picked up actual cop skills, but soon Sawyer has the upper hand. Ana plays her "Yeah? Well I know you've been trapped on this island for over a month and have not been able to bust a nut all this time and it's fucking KILLING you" card and starts kissing Sawyer and removing his clothes. And they get it on. Hmmm. You might remember what happened to the last Lostie femme who got laid.

Sawyer's throbbing cock sends Ana Lucia rocketing back toward Flashbackistan. She's in the car with Christian. Christian won't be straight with her about Maybe Claire's Mom and the yell fight. He says he's there because he can't apologize to his son. He wants to get out of the car and get wasted. He opens the car door smack into an ambling Sawyer, who loudly complains about the indignity but doesn't have the gift of foresight, and thus doesn't lean into the car to look at Ana Lucia and say, "In another universe, I am boning the bejeezus out of you at this very moment." At any rate, Ana wants to go back, but Christian says he can never go back. NEVER!

Back in the jungle, Sawyer and Ana have finished making the beast with two angry and resentful backs. Ana Lucia growls at Sawyer, "You tell anyone about this and I'll kill you." What a relief. I thought that sort of post-coital conversation only happened to me!

Back at the Lostie Convenience Store, Hurley is stocking up for his big picnic when Libby comes over and ruins the picnic surprise. I know that a lot of people are wondering how we're supposed to believe that Libby and Hurley could possibly form a romantic union. You people forget that Hurley has two qualities that are enormously attractive to women of all stripes.


  1. He's filthy rich.
  2. He's obese, and is thus likely to die soon.

Meanwhile, we return to the Hatch with Ana Lucia. Jack sees the injury she sustained at the hands of Henry Gale, but Locke, in one of those puzzlingly stupid Locke moves that have bad consequences, covers for Henry (and Ana).

That's when Michael finally awakes. Everyone wants to know what happened, but Michael has his own agenda. He tells the rest of the gathered Lostians that he found where the Others reside, and, having observed them, he believes that they can be defeated in combat. The case he builds basically entails:


  • There's only twenty-two of them.
  • They dress in rags.
  • They don't even have shoes!
  • They sleep, believe it or not, in canvas tents!
  • That's right! Dirty old canvas!
  • If they love canvas so much, why don't they marry it?
  • In fact, two of the Others, have gone and gotten married to canvas tents.
  • They are sad people, always looking at the ground and crying.
  • They are dirty.
  • They are animals.
  • They have trouble making simple goals and meeting them.
  • They show no indication of being able to maximize their profit potential.
  • A third Other married his tent, but the marriage was annulled after he caught the tent cheating on him with a pile of canvas.
  • You should hear how they laugh at him behind his back!
  • The Others look like they are played by extras--and not even SAG-covered extras!
  • Canvas tents! Guh!
And, what's more, Mike tells them, they have a Hatch! Big whoopee-dee-doo! Everyone on this island has a hatch! Everyone who doesn't have a hatch wants one! Here in DC, with it's overpriced real estate market, a well-appointed hatch is going to run you $300-400K! And then you move in and all the neighbors grit on you, thinking to themselves, "Damn gentrifiers, with their fancy-pants hatches and their Shins records, always drinking Sierra Nevada! I'm totally going to block them in with my car!"

Strangely, when pressed, Mike says that while the Others most certainly have Walt, and other children, he doesn't admit to seeing any. Knowing what we know about the end of the episode, it's puzzling why Mike just didn't say: "Sure they have Walt! They have tons of kids! I saw them with my own eyes. They got Natalee Holloway, too! Judge Crater! Amelia Earhart, even! A huge pile of missing singled socks! They make the crew of the Connemara IV sing show tunes at dinner!"

It's also puzzling that this conversation didn't take place:


Jack: I don't know Michael. I've seen the Others do some pretty impressive shit. There's this thing they do where they all suddenly appear all around you with torches. It's pretty intimidating. Plus, they kidnapped all those Tailies.

Mike: Only because Ana Lucia was in charge of the Tailies and after they made weapons out of boomerangs--which are already themselves weapons, hello?--they were too stupid to post a watch.

Jack: Yeah, but they also made off with Claire.

Kate: Wait. Was that the Others? Ethan Rom? Because he had nice clothes and shoes.

Locke: Yeah, and he didn't act like an animal. He blended in.

Jack: I don't know. It's pretty confusing.

Kate: He did act weird when he was around canvas, though.

Locke: Oh yeah, really weird.

Ana Lucia: Goodwin had nice clothes, too.

Jack: We haven't really decided if The Others and these Dharma fucks are the same people, have we?

Locke: I thought we had.

Kate: No. So totally not.

Jack: Michael, until we know more, I don't think it's a good idea to attack them, even if what you say is true.

Michael: *cough* *cough* *gaff* [under his breath] I'm so gonna betray you you fuck, Jack. *cough* *cough*

Jack: What was that, Michael?

Michael: Whaaaa--oh, nothing! No. Nope. Not saying anything. Certainly didn't say I was going to betray you or anything like that!

Jack: Well, of course not.

Michael: Yes, sir. That's straight talk from the mouth of Michael "I'll never betray my fellow island mates" Dawson! It's just not something I do.

Jack: Awesome. Look, do me a favor. If you get half a chance, go ahead and kill Ana Lucia for me.

So, events are set in motion. And while Hurley is off fucking up the concept of picnic--ADORABLY!--and getting the thumbs up from Jin, Jack and Locke and Kate go to get the guns back from Sawyer. It's a little surprising that Locke seems to be going along with it--obviously Henry Gale's appeals to his ego--telling him that he was one of the "good people" and that he was sent to bring him to the Other side--have failed. Personally, with Locke being the whole "self-made man" type with his belief that the island itself is rewarding him personally, I think we'll come to learn that Gale overplayed his hand talking about how awesome and extraordinary his Leader is. To Locke, there's just not enough room on the island for the two of them.


Sawyer is reading "The Bad Twin"--the manuscript, NOT the book--by Gary Troup, when Jack et al. show up to demand the guns. Jack tosses the manuscript into the fire, forcing Sawyer to try to save it. Pointing his own gun at Sawyer, he demands the guns. That's when Sawyer realized that Ana Lucia took the gun from him, and that's when Locke realizes that they've left her alone, armed, with Gale.

Sure enough, his confrontation is going down even as we speak. Ana gives Gale a knife to untie himself, which he does. He then stands. Gale brings up Goodwin, saying that he told the Others that she was more misunderstood than "bad", and that he could have helped her. Ana rebuts this claim by insisting that Goodwin wanted to kill her. "Was he?" queries Gale? Feh. As much as I hate Ana Lucia, i'd be inclined to take up arms against a bunch of hippy shitheads who were keeping score like Santa Claus on who was good and bad, especially if the standard is how dutifully you give up your baby and enter numbers into a machine. "So, this is it," Gale says, staring down the barrel of Ana's Berreta.

We go back to Flashbackistan one last time, to the airport in Sydney. Jack is there, I'm guessing before he and Ana have their official meet-cute over nasty drinks at the airport bar, and he's dong his whole pleading thing with the gate attendant over his dad's body. Ana is behind him in line, listening. The camera slowly pans toward her, Jack's speech obviously having an effect on her. Right away, we know that she's going to call her mom. P.T. Anderson turns to me and says, "Right here is where I'd use some plaintive Aimee Mann song." I reply, "Shut up you Fiona Apple fingerbanging fuck, I'm trying to watch the show."

Ana calls home to mom and exposits that she's in Australia and she's sorry and wants her mom's help in getting past all the rage and the violence and the taking the law into her own hands and the running off with strange men to the Southern Hemisphere, and Ana's mom is all consoling and nice and tells her to come on home and everything would be all right.

We return to the Hatch. Ana is sitting outside the armory as Michael shuffles over. She tells Mike about how Sawyer has all the guns and that Jack and Locke and Kate went to get them and about Gale and the whole killing or not killing thing, and finally admits that she couldn't bring herself to pull the trigger. Michael, starting to go a little funny, says that he'd be happy to do it--they took his son, they are animals, they have no shoes, they fuck canvas, and there's no way he'd ever betray his fellow castaways ever cross his heart and hope to die and by the way, you DID hear about the polar bear, right? Ana gives him the gun and gives him the combination to the armory.

Mike pauses, says sorry, and then KABLAMMO! Down goes Tequila! Mike shoots her right where she sits! We are momentarily Whatthefuckized, but Wife of DCeiver still manages to set off the celebratory fireworks, uncork the bottle of Mumm Cuvee we've been saving for the occasion and hug everyone in the room now that Ana Lucia is finally dead, dead, dead.

But a second later, Libby, making the smart move of walking TOWARD the sound of a gunshot and INTO THE ROOM where the gun was fired, surprises Michael, who impulsively wheels and fires again. And down goes Tonic! This episode is truly whatthefuckervescent!

Finally, Michael goes into the armory, exchanges a knowing look with Gale, and shoots himself in his left arm. Holy Whatthefuckadocious! Michael? What the hell's got into you? Bad robot!

NEXT WEEK: Michael "holds the castaways fate in his hands." Watch as he gets into the wheelchair and rolls around, narrating their lives and offering snarky remarks about the prison system. Plus, Eko falls out of a tree?

FOR MORE LOST FUN: Yes, that was a Hanso Foundation "advertisement" that came on before the final act. Their website has been all spruced up and it now plays trippy music and shit. YouTube has the commercial you saw plus some other Hanso goodies. And finally, go here, do what it says to do, and never be able to admit that you have a life again.

4 comments:

Divine Ms. K said...

"Claire"? Who's Claire? Oh, you mean Charlotte. Whew. I started to think there was a whole season of Sex & the City that I'd somehow missed. ;-)

Gusano said...

F***ing brilliant recaps! Thanks, really, thanks!

stella said...

I missed ya DC! Thanks as always for the giggles and insight,
( stellaknows on abc board ).

Anonymous said...

tequlia and tonic is actually quite delicious!!!