In our examination of the first part of the list, patterns emerged:
- Stalinism is bad. With the bar set that low, you have to wonder why they just didn't define conservatism as being "pro-puppy" or something.
- A single lyric is enough to offset the rest of a songs content.
- Rush may be even lamer than scientists previously imagined.
- When confronted, fans of the list say it's not meant to be taken seriously. Whatever, this is about MY ENJOYMENT.
26. "Capitalism" by Oingo Boingo
Capitalism is pretty well-established and only railed against by leftist misfits who haven't held public office in several generations. Let's get current, NR. If you've gotta bring Danny Elfman into this, what about "Weird Science?" Did Commander Cuckoo Bananas not issue a rallying cry to the nation to defend her precious nethers against the coming invasions of the animal-human hybrids? "Weird Science" is clearly the Fight Song of the Covert Weirdie Battalions.
27. "Obvious Song" by Joe Jackson
I really should defer to someone who is a Joe Jackson fan. The lyric cited ("There was a man in the jungle / Trying to make ends meet / Found himself one day with an axe in his hand / When a voice said ?Buddy can you spare that tree / We gotta save the world ? starting with your land? / It was a rock ?n? roll millionaire from the USA / Doing three to the gallon in a big white car / And he sang and he sang ?til he polluted the air / And he blew a lot of smoke from a Cuban cigar.") sounds pretty environmentally friendly to me.
28. "Janie's Got A Gun" by Aerosmith
I differ from many orthodox liberals on the issue of gun control. It's one of the ways I ensure that EVERYONE hates me. But we all know that Janie's dad was, like, a Bush/Cheney Ranger-level campaign funder.
29. "Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by Iron Maiden
The NR seems to imply that quoting Samuel Taylor Coleridge is some sort of conservative shibboleth. If that's the case, I hope they're building a Log Cabin for my Homo McGay friends from Frankie "Welcome to the Pleasuredome" Goes to Hollywood. Frankie say relax! Your environmental regulations, that is.
30. "You Can't be Too Strong" by Graham Parker
Parker asks of someone who's had an abortion, "Did they tear it out with talons of steel?" To which I reply: "No, silly. In America, abortion is safe and legal and performed with sterilized medical instruments." Also, I love NR's qualification: "Although [the song]'s not explicitly pro-life..." Sixty percent of the way through and they're defining the standard of success downward--just like the Iraq war!
31. "Small Town" by John Mellencamp
Sort of condescending coming from a bunch of pointy-heads on Lexington Avenue.
32. "Keep Your Hands To Yourself" by the Georgia Satellites
In their desperation to work another Southern band onto the list, the NR somehow misses the point of the song, which is that pre-marital sex with sluts is teh awesome.
33. "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones
This song makes the list because of the creepy culture of victimhood that infects conservatives. Poor babies! So tired of being abused by demonstrators. Meanwhile, Mr. Jimmy's standing in that Chelsea pharmacy trying to figure out why he was told Bush's health care plan was gonna save him money when it's clear he's being jacked.
34. "Godzilla" by Blue Oyster Cult
One thing that the editors of the National Review and I have in common is that none of us have any idea how this song made the list.
35. "Who'll Stop The Rain" by Creedence Clearwater Revival
I'll agree that that the song takes a "dim view" of activism. But what the song really takes a dim view of is the, uhm, "rain." Clearly, when the National Review cues up this song on the hi-fi, they step back and high-five each other, saying: "Yo! Our rain is totally dope, dood! We really stuck it to some motherfuckers." That's sorta kinda not what everyone else hears when the song gets played.
36. "Government Cheese" by the Rainmakers
Now, this IS a conservative song. Though it seems to imply that the government is behind the crack epidemic.
37. "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" by The Band
Clearly, I need to help these Yankees at the National Review out here. This song is about how the South, after the Civil War, was left to rot--it's infrastructure destroyed and its best and brightest killed off in the war. Virgil Caine, the song's narrator, avoided that fate, but when he says, "You take what you need and you leave the rest / But they should never have taken the very best", he's lamenting the fact that Dixie ended up in the care of cowardly thugs who grew up to be Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmond. Seriously, NR, you guys need to read Cold Mountain or something.
38. "I Can't Drive 55" by Sammy Hagar
Like an Enron executive, Hagar boasts of attempting his "best illegal move", then complains that he can't steer. Moreover, he remains in second gear while travelling 55. He's killing his car! And, obviously, he's blowing a .18 on the BAC. So, is the Republican party for law and order or not?
39. "Property Line" by the Marshall Tucker Band
Ewww. So the Marshall Tucker Band likes walking on the edge of their property because it gets them in the mood to fuck, and then they tell me that they find black Arabian mares just as pretty as a "woman you can't stand to stare at." Why can't you stand to stare at that woman? Sounds gay to me. This is conservatism? Uhm, anyway, maybe if home ownership was more affordable, more Americans could enjoy walking their own property lines, even if they opt out of the horse fucking.
40. "Wake Up Little Susie" by the Everly Brothers
The NR says of this song: "A smash hit in 1957, back when high-school social pressures were rather different from what they have become." I take this to mean that the National Review actually thinks that Susie didn't get boned. That is so precious and naive that I want to take the NR home with me and keep them warm and safe and feed them kibble.
41. "The Icicle Melts" by the Cranberries
The Cranberries=great rock? That's a pretty bold statement.
42. "Everybody's a Victim" by the Proclaimers
Sheesh. They're one to talk about playing the victim! Potkettleblackcakes.
43. "Wonderful" by Everclear
Uhm, divorce is bad, mmkay? But the kid from the Everclear song needs the kid from the misconstrued-by-the-NR Blink 182 song to sit him down and tell him that denial's not just a river in Egypt, to let go of his angst, accept the fact that his parents can't stand each other, and then play one off against the other for favor, like any smart conservative would do.
44. "Two Sisters" by the Kinks
The married sister envies her wild single sister's lifestyle! But the single sister envies her married sister's domestic security! Starring Jenna Elfman, coming this fall on ABC!
45. "Taxman, Mr. Thief" by Cheap Trick
Ugh. We get it. There shouldn't be roads or schools or lighthouses or an Air Force. Marx wasn't the only one living in a fantasy land.
46. "Wind of Change" by the Scorpions
For obvious reasons, "Rock You Like a Hurricane" was left off the list.
47. "One" by Creed
Ahh, definitely a conservative rock song--right down to it's a priori problem. But it's just amazing to me that with Creed's entire catalog beckoning the National Review unto it's bosom, they pick the one that criticizes affirmative action. I mean, Stapp's got songs that hint at full blown Mel Gibsonian Messiah complexes! Think big!
48. "Why Don't You Get a Job" by the Offspring
Someday, the person who suggested that this Offspring song "captures the motive force beyond welfare reform" is going to wake up one morning, take a look at himself in the mirror, and quietly whimper: "Oh, my stars! I truly have wasted my entire life!"
49. "Abortion" by Kid Rock
You know, if the right wing is just going to throw its loving arms around Kid Rock, it stands to reason that I should be able to enjoy Janet Jackson's titty on national TV without the entire world ending in the ensuing 24 hours.
50. "Stand By Your Man" by Tammy Wynette
Ha! It makes the list because Hillary Clinton apparently doesn't like it. Well, at least for once, I can't fault that reasoning.
So there you have it. Conservative rock in all its glory. Still it begs the question: if this is conservative rock, then it is implied that all other rock necessarily involves babykilling and Stalinism. The previously quoted maker of rock, Paul, says: "It occurs to me that to live in a world like that, it is imperative that you NEVER, EVER come into contact with an actual liberal. Because, you know, I'm a liberal, and yet I married my wife (although, to be fair, after we had had a fair amount of sex); I didn't kill my baby; I occasionally believe in God; and I'm actually pretty into my country, on the whole."
Word. And as a student of this thing called "the rock music," I must confess that I am at a loss to inform you as to where to turn if you want good old-fashioned rock and roll that is excited about abortion and gulags and hating freedom. Who's making that sort of music? Who's listening to it?
I think we know the answer to that!
STRAW MEN ROCKIN' IN THE FREE WORLD!