Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Webb Slinger

Many of the trendy, left-leaning political bloggers are saying that Jim Webb, whose signs are ubiquitous around my domicile, stands an excellent chance of beating George Allen in the Senate race. This would be a good thing, Allen is what we from the Old Dominion call "dumber'n a sack fulla rocks." Of course, it hardly counts as a full victory if Allen kinda, sorta just blows it because he's got his eyes on a bigger prize: the Presidency. If you are sitting around wondering what life would be like with a President that's twice as stupid as Commander Cuckoo Bananas while simultaneously being one-fifth as cunning, you owe it to yourself to check Allen out.

But, back to Webb, you can count me out when it comes to being bullish on his chances for victory. And I'll tell you why. It's this slogan of his: "Born Fighting." That is, to my mind, a very unappealing image. Almost sad. Sorta Reesesque. This whole "Born Fighting" thing conjures an image of an infant that self-selected a C-section as his means of escape so he could start bitchslapping people. I would not want to be the person upon Mr. Born Fighting has suckled. And, what's worse, is that one takes his "Born Fighting" stance to mean that he has never stopped fighting. Since infancy, Jim Webb has been in a state of constant conflict. Did he never, as a young boy, take the odd day to relax and skip stones or fly a kite?

Another reason is the terrible 80's font he uses for "Born Fighting" on his campaign materials. Look at that shit! It conjures images of teen hipsters calling things "critical" and "rad" while wearing paint splattered Duron hats and listening to B106.

Look, Mr. Webb, I know you've been told by Markos that the Democrats have a near terminal case of the creeping pussy disease. I'm not going to deny the truth of that, but I'd suggest that you are really embarrassingly overcompensating with all this "Born Fighting" shizz. Just take it down a notch or four, okay? And Jim: the eighties nearly killed me, so, let's not recall them quite so fondly. Capiche?

1 comment:

A. L. Deviant said...

"teen hipsters calling things "critical" and "rad" while wearing paint splattered Duron hats and listening to B106."
I totally knew those guys! Great allusion. *sigh*