Tuesday, June 13, 2006

So Dark the Con of Conference Bikes

Over the weekend, I heard a rumor so vile and nasty that it could not go uncommented on. And it's got nothing to do with all the supposed internecine service-journo blog feuds that people have made up out of thin air. No--it's something vastly more unpleasant and devious and it will affect the lives of people who actually leave their homes on occasion. So...most of you bloggers are safe.

The rumor I speak of is that conference bikes have come to Washington, DC. Now, for all I know, these evil devices--which are also known as PartyBikes, but I hereby and hitherto christen the Gaggledouchecycle--have been here all along, silently servicing some hitherto unknown touristy den of iniquity. But the rumor entails that these fucking things were going to be coming to places like Capitol Hill.

The Gaggledouchecycle had a brief run in New York City, where they were beloved of tourists and despised by locals, until the NYPD wised up and
sensibly began impounding them because, presumably, they violated the existing city statutes on asinineness. (Why the same tactic has never been used on the front office of the New York Knicks has never been explained.)

I did some checking to see if the Gaggledouchecycle had, of late, made any sort of inroad into our area and I'm ashamed and upset to report that they indeed have. My cursory research led me to this
Craigslist posting where some nutsack named Andrew seeks similar-minded tinkleholes to "Ride The Sites."

He says it's totally okay to repost his ad elsewhere, so why not?

Are you a fun, entertaining person who enjoys attracting some attention? Do you enjoy showing people a good time? We are seeking fun athletic people to lead the ?Conference Bike? on a short tour around downtown DC. To see the conference bike go to www.theFunCycle.com. There is hourly pay and the tips can be great. Hours are flexible, but mainly weekends. Please send a resume and contact information if interested to Andrew@bikethesites.com.

Now, the fact that the gaggledouchecycles are here and poised to be unleashed on a populace that, you know, is so HISTORICALLY PRONE TO ACCEPTING large, slow-moving vehicles packed stem-to-stern with gawking poltroons driving right down the road during our carefree days of NEVER HAVING RUSHHOUR TRAFFIC is bad enough. But actively soliciting people who self-describe themselves as "fun, entertaining person who enjoys attracting some attention" is the next step to open, massive, bloody melees in the streets. Think about it: if you were told that you had to choose between two doors: one of which led to the people described in this ad and the other describing a drunk and angry Dick Cheney armed with a rifle filled with Ebola tipped bullets, WOULD YOU NOT take your chances with the Vice-President?

Here is who I'm talking about, depicted pictorally:

Good God. Is that really what we want for our society? Self-satisfied smirkers in a gagworthy array of pastel colored ruffle shirts?

You KNOW what this is just ONE step away from, don't you?

Bad improv comedy.

So, please. Pretty please. Talk to Mayor Williams. Draw the line at Segways. Get laws passed to ban these things. Invest in a good arcwelder if need be. Ban the Gaggledouchecycle.


The Governess said...




Jodasm said...

I saw one going up 17th street near the White House during morning rush hour last week. There weren't any tourists on it, just two blond and presumably "fun" ladies in matching polo shirts.

Amy said...

Oh my god, what are these monstrosities? I don't understand! They look like some horrific group-sex toy for.... for.... people who've never had sex!!!

DC1974 said...

Gotta say. (Because I don't seem to have this deep rooted hatred of tourists like the rest of DC. And I hope to god that I'm able to move on to another town before that happens.) But these actually look kinda cool. I definitely know that I've got to find other friends to do them with. (People from out of town, of course.)
So in all honesty, thanks for tip!

Kevin said...

It's true - they were all over PRIDE this past weekend. Even hot chicks pedaling them couldn't hide my disgust.

DivineMsK said...

Dear God: Please do not let the workplace wellness coordinators find out about this, because they would then want me to write an article about it for the employee publication. Thanks, DivineMsK.

Can't you just see it? "Long work hours got you down? Trouble balancing time to work out with time to work? Try the new 'conference bike' and make your meetings matter!"

Anonymous said...

I saw one being, errr, "driven" (?) down H Street across from the White House. Two young ladies aboard. Close behind, unobtrusively, was a cab with another young lady and a trunk with three regular bikes in it.

The general response from tourists was laughter.

sam said...

dude. the funcycle people are my friends, don't be so hard on them! Get on one for a ride and THEN tell us how much you hate it! You wont be able to because you'll be dead....dead from so much fun!

And the two presumably fun blonde's are fuckin *hot slices* of fun!!

chung said...

your mom is a hot slice of fun.

the funcycle looks like a stoner's paradise. think on that fuckers!

iain urquhart said...

Have any of you actually tried it? Or are you too cool for school?

It's not just for tourists - I use it for charity fundraising, taking blind people cycling, entertaining at cancer respite homes and cheering up some children who come from Belarus every year. They are still affected by the Chernobyl disaster.

Come to Scotland and I'll give you a shot on mine.