Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Highlights from Hill Hotties 2006

Ever since the calendar page turned to July, we've noticed a dramatic uptick in the number of people visiting here looking for the 2006 update to The Hill's 50 Most Beautiful People. Well, your wishes have been answered. Yes, it's that time of year again--The Hill prepares their crapulent website for the additional visits, collars are popped and hair extensions slaved over in anticipation, and our fair city suffers the indignity of the rest of the world thinking that this is the best the entire metropolitan area has to offer.

And, in three years of covering this mess, we have a request: The Hill, couldn't you look into your heart and maybe cut this down to 25 Most Beautiful People? You'd lose nothing but whatever ad money is coming in from those tatty banners on the right side of the page. Because once again, this years class mixes some lookers of note with others who dully represent all that's most depressingly distinctive of the khakified snore-culture of Capitol Hill. It's not fair that some of these people have to share space with the rest of these background-fading, west of Union Station
nobodies. And, as far as hotness in the classic sense goes, they're almost all dwarfed by the interns identified by Alex Pareene over at Wonkette earlier this year--those kids may exist only to serve as the supplicant targets of their full-time colleagues cum torpedoes, but at least they are good looking.

But it's not all bad. Last years harvest, while hotter by several measures, apparently had accomplishments so slight that The Hill didn't even think it meet to identify them. Not so, for this year's group--The Hill has seen fit to give credit where credit is due.


The Hill bends over backwards to point out that Michelle Persaud, staff counsel to the House Judiciary Committee Democrats, is NOT Iranian. Okay? Not Iranian. The winner of this year's 50 Most Beautiful Hillites actually hails from Guyana. She's a deserving winner--so much so that you sort of wish whatever Ansel Amateur took the picture didn't include so much of the concrete and steel grate in the picture. A hopeful nation thus still waits longingly for The Hill to discover what the rest of us colloquially refer to as the "crop tool."


One of the reasons oil is so expensive these days is that an inordinate amount of OPEC crude is used to lovingly sculpt Legislative Aide Jamie McInerney's coiffure.


Most of the people who end up on this list hand over a picture or have a quick pic taken on their lunch break. But every year, there's at least one person who WANTS IT bad enough that they're willing to break the land speed record for "trying too hard." This year, it's Jimmy Parrish who decided that he's a winner, dude! He's going for it! You can practically hear this fuck updating his resume even as we speak.


Alena Klimianok has travelled all the way from Belarus to learn about democracy. Unfortch, she's ended up in the employ of DC's shadow Senator Paul Strauss, which is sort of like travelling all the way from Belarus to learn about walking from Steven Hawking or natural childbirth from Tom Cruise. However, she credits her youthful good looks to a daily regimen of not being an Eastern European woman repeatedly sexually assaulted by David Dickerson.


What is it that makes Anjulen Anderson look like the most earnest doily in the world? Is it the crazy eyes? The pink alpaca-hair sweater, thick as chain mail? The necklace made of popcorn?


Beth Zentmeyer is what Laura Bush would look like if she were drenched with stem cells every day for a year.


Hey, Senator Ensign! How's the new J. Peterman catalog coming along?


If Senator Carl Levin has any hope getting backstage passes to the Lupe Fiasco show, it rests in the hands of Jason Hill.


Seriously? John Boehner? On the 50 Most Beautiful list? You realize that the corpses of men who died shovelling slag off the roof of Chernobyl have healthier skin, don't you?



It's not certain what animal forsook its hide to provide Mary Bono's aide, Krissy Rodriguez, with this fugtified nightmare of a suit, but we're all hoping death came quickly and painlessly.



Get a look at Rick Santorum's staff leprechaun, Maureen Ryan, while you have a chance, because if the polls are any indication, she'll be back policing the sodomy-soaked streets of Glocca Mora this time next year.



Last year, Capitol Hill policeman Dominic Blasi donned the Towering Hat of Justice for his picture. He's since bequeathed the hat and the honor to Melissa Rivord.


If political points were given out for the shapeliness of Capitol Hill chin divots, Michael Robbins would be a force to be reckoned with. Luckily, we are not yet, as a species, quite that stupid.


The Hill says of Nora Kaitfors, soccer playing hottie from Minnesota, that she " hasn't done much singing since she came to Washington." Which is a fancy way of saying she hasn't been indicted yet.


Oswaldo Palomo is frequently lit from below by his mighty, glowing cock.


At Susan Collins' office, Patrick Hughes primary duty is polishing the desks to within an inch of their life. He's got some jargon-infused, euphemistic way of describing that task on job interviews, though. His dad, by the way? Owns a dealership, natch.


The Hill seems to think Sam Arora "bears an uncanny resemblance to actor Ben Stiller," which is strange because we don't remember Ben Stiller ever looking like a buck-toothed ninny.


Can't fault The Hill for giving one of their slots to an English Major from the University. Wahoowa.


Spivey Paup, winner of this year's "Bruce Willis named me" award, has a bright future in politics. I mean, look at how well those jowls are coming along! Plus, he definitely has the ego for public service: "It's kind of funny. They remember my name, but I never remember theirs." Sounds like he's got constituent services down pat.


It's a little bit surprising to find an NEA lobbyist rocking that porn facial expression better known as the "Wow. Is all that cock for me?", but Staci Maiers excels in a field mostly dominated by pharmaceutical representatives and dot-com boom-era HR sluts.


While we lament Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz's decision to waspify her tresses by flat-ironing them with apocalyptic vigor, she still proves definitively that not all J-Dates are created equal.


Well, The Hill saves us something best for last. Meet Whitney Warrick, who's really quite genuinely lovely and who, for my money, appears to be one of those rare few who are genuinely genuine. She hates guys who pick her up in bars and gets bored talking about politics. Whitney, please, for us, seize control of the country just as soon as humanly possible.

47 comments:

Anonymous said...

holy crapping eyeliner, Maiers.

demanda said...

that Staci Maiers has a modified "look to the side like you're surprised" Myspace pose going on.

Amy said...

Ah, this is brilliant. Did you do this last year? I'll have to check it out.

rcr said...

"His dad, by the way? Owns a dealership, natch."

Bwahahaha... oh this is too good for me to even choose a favorite.

.abe said...

"...the Towering Hat of Justice..."
Gawd, I love it. Where did they find that design anyway? It has to be stolen from the design of a South American army greatly influenced by ex-Nazi immigrants and their offspring. I'll leave specific countries up to your own speculation.

bond said...

No offense to the people on the list, but isn't this whole thing just dumb? What, people are to be judged by their genes, and how good-looking they are? THAT's what we have to say about government on the Hill? I guess it's too much to ask to maybe have a list of the, oh, 50 Hardest Working People or 50 Most Productive People or 50 People Who Put Taxpayers Hard-Earned Money to Best Use.

Ryan said...

Didn't make the list and now you're jealous, eh bond?

The Deceiver said...

I could count the number of people on the Hill who put taxpayer money to good use on zero hands.

You think I'm being sarcastic, but I'm not.

Anonymous said...

Ansel was not a portraitist, he was a landscpe photographer.
Now I'll admit there are some attracive valleys, mountains and moons in this group landscape they aren't.

Johnny Shades said...

This shit cracks me up every year. Love it.

Anonymous said...

Steve McBee - the chest hair is in perfect focus, but the other features are a little blurry. Trying to hold on to that "in my 30's, just like you" thing a little longer, eh?

Hey Pretty said...

Hey now, Arora is actually a pretty nice guy. I don't know what the Hill was thinking with that photo. Not flattering.

Awesome Comet said...

Oswaldo Palomo = ROTFL in a library. Stunning work.

Anonymous said...

I agree with hey pretty, they picked a bad picture for Sam Arora.

ejtakeslife said...

Well-played, DCeiver! I love this edition of the Hill. It's the Memorial Day of journalism... a way to kick off a vacation of laziness and goofing off until September.

Anonymous said...

who are you bozos spkg up for sam arora. the dude is a twirp.

Thalestris said...

We should just be happy that Katherine Harris didn't make the list.

Anonymous said...

I don't know Sam Arora. However, it is possible to be both a "pretty nice guy" and a "buck-toothed ninny." I should know, as I am a "pretty nice guy" and a "large-headed, thin-haired ninny."

TheBarmaid said...

Considering though that Arora declined to be interviewed, I sort of wonder how they got that picture of him in the first place.

Anonymous said...

WOW. How do these people live with themselves? How do you not simply respond, "Go to Hell" when the social reporter for the Hill contacts you and asks whether you would like to be included on its list of beautiful staffers? Am I just that "old fashioned" to firmly believe that for an individual (male especially) to cooperate with such a list is akin to wearing a sandwich board that reads "I suck c*ck" on one side and "I am a complete f*g" on the other?

Retainer said...

Nice job on the Express blurb, dude!

discouraged in the district said...

hmmm . . .why "male especially?" are we to infer that the male staffers are doing more serious work than their female counterparts? i'm just saying.

Needtsza said...

other than the winner, i found them to be average. guys too.

the winner? hot as the sizzle on my griddle!

Needtsza said...

I take that back, Staci Maiers looks like she could use a good girl-girl-guy scenerio staring yours truly and the winner of this thing ;)

Anonymous said...

Sam Arora is beautiful. I think the picture they chose is payback from bitter, pneumatic morons who were irked that he wouldn't cooperate with this annual retardery. Also, Maiers looks like she just got double-teamed...

Anonymous said...

if sam arora is beautiful than wayne allard is a babe.

Anonymous said...

the guy arora is a total bum. very unliked in hillaryland.

sponge said...

I frankly think Arora's a cute guy in person and in the picture. They were going for something different with his shot and it works with his personality, so why not?

People don't get to work in "Hillaryland" because they're sugary-sweet-nice people.

I'm smelling a lot of sour grapes on this thread.

Anonymous said...

Will Santorum's aide be in trouble for publicly acknowledging she likes a gay tv show?

Anonymous said...

Any link to previous years posts from the DCeiver? This is hilarious and I'd love to see more!

Andrew said...

anjulen anderson is the hottest of the bunch, by far, but it looks like she borrowed her gear from Nancy Reagan

Geoff_Livingston said...

The porn comment was hilarious, though I imagine you may hear from her in an indicting sort of way.

Mr Rinaldo said...

The necklace made of popcorn?

Or the molars of her vanquished enemies.

Anonymous said...

Well...it made me laugh for a second but then I thought...hmmm...I think Americans are way "too busy" to produce things like that they think are funny(strange sense of humor...sorry,I guess it's the culture,no offense)but while the people who created this have no brain to mind their own business,they make fun of accomplished people by judging their physical appearance since they have nothing to say about their personalities or capacities or their achievements and work...

Capt. Jack Sparrow said...

I got worried for a while there... but was glad to see that you ended your entry on a positive note.

Anonymous said...

Does anyone know how to dress in this town!?!?

Anonymous said...

Anjulen. Warrick. They could make it out here in L.A. Just exactly as what, I'm not sure, but we'd give them space to breathe. The rest, as we say when you're dismissed from an audition, "Thank you."

Though, isn't it a bit insecure of someone to submit a photo in the hopes they'll be told they're pretty enough? If someone thinks you're not pretty enough, just be like, "I'm Rick James, bitch," and be done with it.

The Plastic Mile
plasticmile.wordpress.com

Anonymous said...

Anjulen Anderson. Two words - Stepford wife.

Anonymous said...

Anjulen Anderson. Two words -- good tasty. To quote Jim O'Rourke, dude, "What you call pain, I call weeding out."

-- Plastic Mile

Anonymous said...

Anjulen Anderson, while not ugly, is not all that. She's no Daniela Pestova. Which is what can be said for most of the people on that list. I agree with the choice of the winner, and a handful of DCeiver's other highlighted folks are more attractive, in my opinion.

Velvet said...

This is hilarious. Well done!

Anonymous said...

Let's be clear here: I didn't say elect Anjulen was America's Next Top Model. I live in L.A., I pretty much know what the deal is. I simply said, given the opportunity and the proper set of utensils, I'd invite her to dinner. My standards are a little less than the UPN's. Not much less, but less.

Plastic Mile
plasticmile.wordpress.com

Taylor W. Buley said...

The first one is quite the hottie. The rest suck a fat one.

Anonymous said...

That was just brilliant.

R. Nelson said...

Glad to know you did your research on this one, champ. You really hit some really thoughtful points and educated opinions.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Sam Arora is a ninny with a Napoelon complex who has schmoozed his way to this weird stardom he has now.