Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Get Your 'Bate On!

Oh, yeah! Bush has been served! Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wants to go toe-to-toe with George Bush, debate-style. This shouldn't be read as a compliment to Ahmadrashadijad, but, PLEASE: America doesn't want to see the man who handed Iraq to Iran get his ass handed to him right back, which is almost certainly what would happen if we deployed the President to use the power of his feeble wittle bwain.

We'd much rather see Bush share the podium with Turkmenistan leader Sapurmurat Miyazov, aka Serdar Turkmenbashi, aka "Great Leader of all Turkmen", aka "makes Tom Cruise look like Increase Mather." Of course, if that came to pass, it would almost certainly give Bush too many additional bad ideas about the nature of unitary executive power...shit, now that we think about it, Bush would probably debate Miyazov in the style of Gore v. Bush II: "I agree with everything he says!"

But we digress. What America needs to see is The DCeiver debate Mahmoud Shayamalanijad. I'm tanned, rested and ready for this shit! Let's get it on, Mahmoud! Here's the format I propose:

STAGE ONE: Arena entrance porn.
The Iranian President knows a thing or two about pageantry and spectacle. I have years of experience watching the starting teams take the court in the National Basketball Association Championship game. I figure we'll get things started going mano-a-mano on the matter of the grand entrance, and base initial scores on the judgements of a panel made up of Ayatollah Al Sistani, Tim Gunn, and the UN Security Council. I'm betting that I could get Pharrell to whip me up some white-hot beats to drop. Mahmoud's got crazy phat graphic designers to draw on. I do worry about his advantage in this category--enriched uranium.

STAGE TWO: Debate!
Here's where I should make up a significant advantage with my patented debate technique: profanity, belittlement, and my ability to make my answers as inscrutable as the weirder songs from Ruby Vroom. Each of us will prepare questions to ask the other. It'll be response, followed by rebuttal, followed by favor-seeking strutting before the audience in the style of The Colbert Report.

Here are a sample of the questions I'll be submitting:

  1. As a blogger, answer me this: just how many more blogs do you think Matt Yglesias needs?
  2. Given what we know about what it takes to merely hug a child, do you expect to be able to beat Iranian women for violating Islamic law with NUCLEAR ARMS?
  3. Do you think the Russians love their children, too? Seriously. I'd like to know. One minute they seem so emotionally distant, and then you turn around and they're smooching up on their kids tummies. Doesn't that shit seem weird to you?
  4. Don't you think that the blonde Bjork girl from Project Runway got straight up jacked?
  5. Who does your hair, dude? Don't you guys have at least a Hair Cuttery up in this shit?
  6. As you walk along the avenue, did you ever expect to meet a girl like you? Meet a girl like you? With auburn hair and tawny eyes, the kind of eyes that hypnotize you through? Hypnotize you through?
  7. Do you think Snakes On A Plane was a badly overhyped movie, or is it rather something your minions might be trying sometime soon?
  8. Am I just weird for thinking John Hinderaker probably killed JonBenet Ramsey?
  9. Dude. Where can I go to get a good khak shir when we're done here? My treat.

Tucker Carlson can moderate, but he has to agree to wear his little ballroom dance costume.

Both candidates sit down to play expert-level Minesweeper, first one to successfully clear the board wins. This is my secret ace-in-the-hole, as I am quite good at it, having practiced for years at playing the game under the apparently erroneous impression that it was good training to get a job as an actual minesweeper.

Let's get it on, Mahmoud! I'm ready to bring home a victory for my beautiful, infidel nation. Ask yourself: are you man enough to face me? But first, ask yourself: Are you man enough to spring for the ticket to Yalta?

I could really get into this! Hey, Grand Duke Henri Albert Gabriel Felix Marie Guillaume! You are SO on notice!


Phil said...

did you know Mahmoud has a blog? I'm serious.

Melissa Marie said...

Just in case "Minesweeper" is a no-go, may I recomment "Q*bert." I used to spend many after-school afternoons reveling in the joy of that game.

KCinDC said...

Phil, I'm guessing from the "As a blogger" part that the Deceiver knows. The Deceiver knows all!

(So what's the deal with the "e" in the bylines? Is "DCeiver" the blog and "Deceiver" the blogger? Is there another blogger here called "the DCeiver" who doesn't post anymore? Is it a coded message to the enemies of America?)