Thursday, August 17, 2006

This is the Story of the Trou Macacq.

Talk about having the veils torn from one's face! This week, the rest of country is learning what many of us Virginians--those of us who don't snidely welcome the brown people to America, anyway--already know: that Senator George Felix Allen is a knuckle-dragging scum-merchant of the highest order. I got to witness Allen's goobernatorial reign from a front-row seat in the Capital of the Confederacy itself, which means I frequently got to experience his antics in juxtaposition with the very sort of people who chortle and haw with shit-flecked lips whenever someone like my man S.R. Siddarth (Wahoowa, reprazent! And by the way, I am hereby officially, and in the style of Marsellus Wallace, revoking all of Senator Allen's UVa. privileges.) gets called...well, let's say, for not wanting to use a worse perjorative, "macaca."

Fingers crossed, this means the end of all that Presidential run nonsense. I mean, it's anybody's guess whether it dooms his Senatorial re-elect hopes. Sanity springs eternal, but those invisible lines where Virginia becomes Vuhjinyuh...they do exist--and while I had any number of cognitive fuckadoo moments in Richmond, I can assure you that I was wading only ankle deep into that cultural swamp. I could take you to towns, far from the NOVA roads where upright homo sapiens walk, where dem Klan boys torture and beat dogs to turn them into killing machines. That shit is pure Allen country, and they wait to vote for him with the enthusiasm of a Star Wars fanatic.

Nevertheless, this macaca incident looks for all the world like Allen maybe won't have the chance to squeeze out some liquid turds in the Oval Office. I hope that's true, and I hope that the end of this fever dream of Allen's is demonstrated by the mind-bending lengths his defenders are taking to defend him. Let's face it, if this toxic egg were on Jim Webb's face, the Hinderfakers of the world would be emitting a steady stream of blue-faced, Mel Gibsonian howls right now, and that's a fact you can take to the bank.

Now, yesterday, or the day before, I'll admit that when I read the transcript of the Hannity and Colmes show, where Alan Colmes appears to simply and succinctly state without any sort of equivocatin that "macaca" meant "Mohawk," I thought to myself--"No, no, no, Alan! I'm sorry, but YOU DON'T GET TO JUST MAKE SHIT UP!" I read the transcript on Wonkette, and, as you may know, I am only too predisposed to believe her sweet little lies. Her sweet little lies paid for many a Christmas present this past year. As it turns out, howevs, Alan did not mean to imply that he believed that macaca meant Mohawk, like, FOR REELS and shit. He was speaking sarcastically, and, from what I'm told, listening to the broadcast bears this out. Though, in everyone's defense, Alan Colmes is typically such a pussified husk of a man that there's really no reason in the world to expect him to be capable of sarcastic inflections. I would have probably assumed that he was sick or he had Roger Ailes' cock lodged in his throat again.

[Of course, we still marvel at Hannity's parting shot during the exchange: "Webb is desperate." How you get from George Allen using a racist slur to evidence of Jim Webb's desperation is beyond me! And I'm taking into account Hannity likely banging a right down "Pretend Macaca Means Delicious Ice Cream Avenue."]

Okay. Anyway. Alan Colmes summons sarcasm from deep within his withered soul. We accept that. Then, yesterday, we run across "A New Explanation for 'Macaca'?" on the National Journal's blog, Hotline, where it is writ:

According to two Republicans who heard the word used, "macaca" was a mash-up of "Mohawk," referring to Sidarth's distinctive hair, and "caca," Spanish slang for excrement, or "shit."

I can't believe I am going to leave aside the fact that this basically translates as "It's totally cool because all he meant to say was that the guy was a shithead." But, with a heavy heart, I am going to leave that aside. Though, in fairness, it is true that to even begin to grasp the concept of George Allen, it requires one to have at least a passing expertise in "caca."

Here's the deal. The very notion that anyone can, in their right mind, advance the theory that "macaca" was a mash-up of Mohawk and caca, and not be immediately and objectively identified as being totally insane is preposterous, and that the authors of this piece (it took TWO of them to wrestle down this crazy train!), Jonathan Martin and Marc Armbinder did not immediately qualify this notion as preposterous is DOUBLY preposterous! Objectively speaking, one can actually say: "That, my dear, is crazy talk." Much has been made of Siddharth's hairstyle, which, by the way, resembles this:

And not, say, this:

...much has been made of Siddharth's hairstyle, but I GUARAN-DAMN-TEE you that if Siddharth had, assaulted George Allen, or carjacked George Allen, George Allen would not have--in a kabillion kerjillion years!--described his assailant to police as having a Mohawk, let alone making up some new crazy mash-up word on the spot to describe him.

And don't even tell me that George Allen mistook Siddharth for a Mohawk Indian, because James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the last one of those dudes back in 1826, and I'm quite sure he's dead by now!

It can maybe be argued that Armbinder and Martin offered a weak paean to balance over the course of this article, but there is no way in hell that these two authors could POSSIBLY BELIEVE these words they wrote. There's no way they could POSSIBLY BELIEVE that the "two Republicans" sourced in the article were doing anything other than shining them on. And so, the above quote should have read something like: "According to two Republicans, clearly perpetrating as fools..." blah, blah, blah. I have no idea what leads a writer to actually lend credence to an idea that they know with every fiber of their being is demonstrably false, but Armbinder and Martin have done precisely that.

And they don't stop there!

Said one Republican close to the campaign: "In other words, he was a shit-head, an annoyance." Allen, according to Republicans, heard members of his traveling entourage and Virginia Republicans use the phrase and picked it up. It was the first word that came to his mind when he spied Sidarth at the weekend's event, according to Republicans who have been briefed on Allen's version of the event. [Emphasis on the truly loonybin mine.]

This is nothing more than intellectual minstrelsy masquerading as thoughtful comment! This doesn't so much defy credulity as it does send creduilty to Abu Ghraib!

As the song goes: "Not what I heard or saw on TV, but what I witnessed entirely: each bend in the road was, in fact, another curve on the monkey track."

There are going to be people who will pretend that they'll never know what Allen meant by "macaca." But, let's be clear: when I use the word, I am referring to writers at Hotline.


HomeImprovementNinja said...

I posted on this on my blog. He knew EXACTLY what it meant. Turns out that Macaca (Monkey) is a derogatory term used by Europeans to refer to North Africans. I think it's laughable that Allen (whose mother is french and was raised in Tunisia) claims not to know what the word means. He knew exactly what it meant, he just thought that no one else did.

PK said...

Thanks, homeimprovement - I had forgotten that his mom was French! Frankly, I was totally convinced that he DID just make it up, because I just didn't think he had that sort of cerebral foreign-insult quality in him - I just assumed this was a botched attempt to ape (no pun intended) Bush's little nickname tic. But I guess it IS possible that he knew what it meant.

But isn't this another case of sensationalism's deafening blare obscuring the real story? Personally, I found the whole "welcome to the real America, welcome to the real Virginia" part a lot more troubling. What the hell was THAT supposed to mean? These slack-jawed white folks here, brainlessly cheering for everything I saw, THEY are the real Virginians? You, Mr. Brown-Skinned College Boy, are not?

George Allen is reminding me more and more of the villain in a John Hughes movie. (I mean, he actually WAS the quarterback of the football team!) He should change his name to "Chaz".

Duvall said...

George Felix Allen is one unlucky sumbitch. All he wanted to do was make up some nonsense word to publicly mock one of his opponent's volunteers, and he just happened to come up with a word that is a vicious ethnic slur in a language that Allen knows. What are the fuckin' odds?