Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Characters Welcome.

I've been greatly enjoying Metroblogging's ongoing feature on the Top 25 Fictional Characters from Washington, which reached the only conclusion it possibly could have today with results that are more than satisfying. DC's had lots of people who've had constituents, clients, staffers and mandates, but only two who have Estrogen or Testosterone Brigades. Good call.

Also we have got to give big ups (and forgive the inclusion of Jack Mannion) for remembering Cigarette Smoking Man, Regan MacNeil, the DC Cab love, and, most critically, David Motherfucking Kovic. He was best. But before I go on, I gotta toss out some o' dat For Your Consideration Sauce for the next time they do this.

  • Desmond Pfeiffer: Pfeiffer, and his Secret Diaries, were a bold and beautiful thing, born a decade too soon into a world that both hated and feared it. But we shall always drink to its glory.
  • Betsy Jobs and Arlene Lorenzo: With geeky-hotness, these two dog-walking Zeligs brought down the Nixon White House with crazy cool aplomb.
  • Assistant FBI Director Walter Skinner: Let's face it, as good as Mulder and Scully were, they came to rely on the steely authority and glabrous sex appeal of the man they called The Skin Man.
  • Dr. Temperance Brennan: When you are played by a Deschanel, you are so best. Don't even debate that shit with me.
  • Bennett Holiday, Sr.: What up, Bennett Holiday, Jr? You're such a badass, wheeler-dealing, walking the edges between big business and the corridors of power. You're an African-American gentrifier, dude! You're livin' the dream! But who's that dude hanging on your stoop? Uh-oh! It's your drunk ass dad, standing in as an anthropomorphic metaphor for the hole in your rancid soul! Take that, Clooney-killer!
  • United States Secretary of the Treasury William Cleary: "Yeah...that's took adequately PORTRAY...that which SPRUNG from my...seed. More cowbell!"
  • Ainsley Hayes: Because the great Republicans are always fictional.
  • President Thomas J. Whitmore: Now, there's a motherfuckin' PRESIDENT, yo. He didn't wage war on the cheap. When he asked his generals how many men it was gonna take to fight, and they said, "Uhm, ALL OF THEM," he didn't fire them. He let Jeff Goldblum's character serve in the military, despite him being OBVIOUSLY gay. He got in his OWN DAMN PLANE to fight aliens. And he achieved a lasting peace in the Middle East to boot, because who gives a shit about who gets to occupy Jerusalem when MOTHERFUCKING ALIENS WITH LASER GUNS ARE BLOWING YOUR SHIT UP??
  • Senator Jefferson Smith: The girlfriend of disgraced plagiarist Ben Domenech famously compared her man to Senator Smith. That's like Charles Manson stealing "Helter Skelter" from the Beatles. Well, now, DCeiver's STEALING IT BACK! Suck it, Domenech!
  • The Space Above Maggie Moos in Adams Morgan: In tribute for the decade of service it's provided portraying the fictional living quarters of the never-realized Real World: DC.


Worthy choices all, for the next time those dudes crank that list up again. But, let's agree that there should be characters who NEVER get to make the list. Let's identify them then as the TEN WORSTEST EVER FICTIONAL CHARACTERS FROM DC.

  1. Jenny Lerner: Jennifer, oh, Jenny. You came on with such pluck and can-do-itiveness. We hardly doubted that you were the very model of the intrepid, fearless reporter. We looked past the fact that your worked for MSNBC. What a betrayal it was, then, to see you just give up and kill yourself. Spurgeon Tanner was going to save the world! How could you not have faith in Spurgeon Tanner?
  2. Zoey Bartlett: Ugh is the only word to describe the way we felt watching Zoey cast aside a solid American like Charlie Young so that she could flounce around with a dull-witted, Ecstacy-eating French douchebag. How very Georgetown of you, Zoey.
  3. Paul Krendler: Hey, you massive, misogynistic, jackass! How you doing? Hannibal Lecter supping on your brain tissue while you're still alive, is he? Oh, man. That sounds ROUGH! Don't worry though, once dinner is over, you're only going to fit in BETTER with the crowd at Local 16!
  4. Jack Hall: His son, Sam: "Dad, I'm really glad you finally got our dire situation through the Vice President's thick skull, but don't think that just because you walked all the way to New York from Washington that that's going to overcome a lifetime of emotional distance and paternal alienation that I've always felt toward you. If I didn't have these Jake Gyllenhaalesque good looks, I don't know how I'd get through the day. Thank God I'm pretty."
  5. Elle Woods: OMG, Reese Witherspoon! Could you please WALK THAT LINE in any direction away from me? Just shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!
  6. Chazz Reinhold: This guy lives at home with his mom, has no job, acts like a jerk and goes to funerals to pick up women? How can a man be THAT emotionally crippled and NOT have a blog?
  7. Special Agent Monica Reyes: Was supposed to be the "Believer" character in the FBI's post-Mulder era, but where Mulder's flights of belief often aided investigations in a practical way, Reyes believed heavily in shit that was all fluffy, new-age crapola. There had to be, like a million times when her FBI colleagues were like, "Dammit, Monica! If you so much as TRY to fucking EMPATHIZE with me again, I am so going to beat the shit out of you with a tire iron!"
  8. John Wilkes Booth: Yeah, I realize that this is more like worst ACTOR instead of worst character, but he was a notably bad performer from one of early America's great acting families. Plus, he's widely reputed to have never taken his vocal warmups seriously. We're inclined to believe that every character he ever played on the stage was among the city's worst. And, oh yeah: he MURDERED the Great Emanicipator! Had he not done so, you could only IMAGINE how awesome Desmond Pfeiffer's secret diaries could have been.
  9. Mandy Hampton: From the moment she appeared on the first season of The West Wing, played by the execrable Moira Kelly, Mandy Hampton was wrong, wrong, wrong. The character was simultaneously unlikeable, unbelievable, and served only to grate on the nerves of the viewer like a million cheese graters scraping down a million chalkboards for ALL ETERNITY. Finally, Aaron Sorkin disappeared her ass like she was a Chilean dissident under the Pinochet regime.
  10. Everyone who ever appeared on K Street: Stocked stem-to-stern with actual politicians and political operatives playing themselves, it truly was a marvel the way the most important men and women in Washington, DC managed to portray their insipid fictional selves precisely as the stupid and useless assholes they all are in real life.

1 comment:

Le Porq said...

Um Kirby Keger anyone?

Line: A Boogity Boogity Boogity Boogity UH UH Ohhh...

Reason: He was a man in motion, all he needed was a pair of wheels.

Reason 2: He bagged Dale Biberman. Not bad for 4' 11" guy.