Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Crazy Chinese Panda Attack!


Who knew that a person could learn so much from one Chinese dude's willingness to mix it up with a Panda bear? First lesson: Sorry, China, but you are so not getting Butterstick back. We'll have a fence of human shields around Woodley Park to keep him in town, so, unless you plan to bring in Airwolf and yank him out of the zoo, Stringfellow Hawke-steez, it ain't happenin'. And who can blame us? You let motherfuckers BITE pandas in China. So not cool. Feel free to take that fake Butterstick from San Diego. She's got the surly disposition your glorious nation needs to keep your people in line.

Check out the story. So many things I didn't know or never considered, like:

  • They serve beer in JUGS! And this guy drank, like, FOUR of them! Jesus. After four jugs of beer, I'm ready to take on a squadron of cybernetic panda vampires.
  • Chinese beer makes you WANT TO TOUCH PANDAS! ("He felt a sudden urge to touch the panda with his hand...")
  • You have to admire the fact that the guy bit the panda in retaliation. We take so much shit from the animal kingdom, you know? It's fitting, especially after Steve Irwin died, to let them know that we're not going to be pushed around. The next time raccoons trash up our building's dumpster, I'm going to follow them back to their lair and litter it with a generous helping of my stool. "How does it feel, fucking raccoons?" I'll ask, rhetorically.
  • The panda was subdued by spraying it with water! What a pussy!
  • China is not going to charge the guy with anything! Unbelievable! We're talking about a country where EVERYTHING is illegal, especially the stuff that seems TOTALLY legal. This is the first I've ever heard of China passing up the opportunity to mete out a little punitive shizz!

And, what's this? Am I detecting rudimentary free markets? Interesting.

But, still: no Butterstick. Back off, China.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Sure, pandas are cute but they can be predators.