Monday, September 11, 2006

Shepilov! A DCeiver Endorsement.

Arma virumque cano! How awesome is Marion Barry's timing? On the eve of the mayoral election, Hizzoner got busted, AGAIN, by the cops! Talk about fortuitous. DCist recaps it thusly:

Sigh. We'll let you guys do the work on this one. Former mayor Marion Barry was arrested early Sunday morning for _______ (crime or infraction) near the White House, reports the Post. Barry, who has had his share of run-ins with police this year and is on a three-year probation stint stemming from a tax payment problem, accused _______ (authority figure) for being out to get him.

At some point, I'll check the link to see what it was that Barry did. For now, as I read the description and ponder the blanks, I'm just going to assume that Barry went to the White House to finish whatever job Lonnie Baxter started.

When I talk about timing, it's because after much pondering, I've reached one inescapable conclusion as to who should be DC's Mayor. Folks, you need to WRITE IN MARION BARRY. I'm not kidding. That is what is best for the city. Now, I know many of you will object to that premise, on the admittedly well-founded grounds that Barry humiliated himself and fucked up the city through decades of cronytastic mismanagement. But, people, all the attention given to Barry's failings have only served to cloud all of the positives aspects, indeed, the very LIBERATING aspects, of Barry's mayoral vision. I believe you should write in Barry for five important reasons.

I. The man hasn't got long to live.
In the first place, Barry has obviously seen better days, and health concerns have enshrouded his return to the Council. He's frail and feeble, and is definitely in his waning years. He's just not got the time to screw everything up THAT badly. Besides, it seems appropriate for him to return to the position of Mayor. It's like that time the Redskins re-signed Art Monk for a day just so he could retire a Redskin. We owe it to ourselves, just for the sake of closure, to reinstall Barry to power.

II. Ask not for whom the bitch has set up, she sets up for thee.
Marion Barry, in citing the crimes of the "bitch", specifically in the case of "setting him up", has done more than just about any fin de siecle thinker in explaining the modern human condition. For can it not be said that Fate is, in fact, a "bitch", that has "set" all of us--you, me, and everyone we love--up? Clearly we can, and clearly we must. It is an inescapable reality of modern life, and the sooner you accept it, the sooner you can begin living with some degree of serenity.

III. Gasification
Seriously. What the FUCK is gasification? I want to know!

IV. The Barry shall set us free.
Think about it. Right now, the cardinal reason given to DC's lack of statehood is that no one wants to see a Senator Marion Barry. That, of course, factors negatively in DC's short-term chances to receive democratic representation. However, think about how liberating that is for all other DC residents! As long as Barry lives and threatens the polis with potential misrule, DC's lack of statehood shall never be the fault of another. Right now, if you are a DC resident, you can conceive of the most awesomely fucked-up nonsense that comes into your head, go out into the street and do it, and YOU WILL NEVER BE THE REASON THAT DC's DEMOCRATIC STANDING IS UNFAIR! The potential thus exists for Washington, DC to become the most weird and beautiful and unhinged place on the face of the earth if you only seize the day!

V: No one else in the race can rock a daishiki like Barry.

I believe that this is a pretty clear and convincing case for writing in Barry, assuming he can afford the bail for whatever he's done now. Let me add only this: have you SEEN who's running for Mayor? You have? Then we're agreed.

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