Friday, September 08, 2006

Whack to the Future with Cindy Sheehan

Britney Spears is apparently not the only one pondering the vagaries of mastering the space-time continuum, as Cindy Sheehan once again kneecaps the wholly respectable cause of ending the Iraq War by speaking in tongues unhinged:

In [her] book, which hits bookstores September 19, the antiwar icon admits she has fantasized about going back in time and killing the infant George W. Bush, thereby preventing the Iraq War.

Oy. Cindy, do you not get how fate works? Don't you think it's maybe not the wisest idea to put all your saving-your-son eggs in the killing-baby-Dubya basket? I've seen all the trailers for those, Final Destination movies, and the knowledge they have imparted to me is that Death comes for your loved ones like one determined motherfucker. So you deal out some SIDS to the infant Bush and Casey doesn't go to Iraq and die. What's to say he doesn't, like, step on a nail and contract tetanus and die? You never know, Cindy. And then what are you going to do? Go back in time and open up a can of whoop-ass on the guy who invented the nail? Please. WE NEED NAILS. Someone else will just invent that shit.

Besides, Cindy, if I had the power to time travel, I'd go about the business of fixing the Bush problem a bit more, say, PREVENTING 9-11, let's say. Think about it. If 9-11 doesn't happen, Dubya's just a yutz who crapped liquid poo on the economy and got his ass handed to him by the Chinese after that spy plane crashed on Hainan Island. Look at the numbers, darling. Mini-Me was basically booked on the Acela to One-Term City before shit started going Kablammo. The Democrats could have run a toaster oven that was "really passionate about fighting for the little guy" and won in a landslide.

Okay, check it--yeah, I probably would have flux capacitated back to Yale and given George a solid playground ass-kicking. But you see my point.

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