Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Grownups wrote this article. Never Forget That.

The Divine Miss K submits this work, "NoVA and RoVA: Welcome to a State of Disagreement", to be added to WaPo's 2006 collection of Dubious Uses of Newsprint. I'm not sure it competes with the famous "Wingman" article, but it's up there. Appropriately, the piece has been assigned per curiam authorship, so we'll never really know who to blame.

This is not to say that the differences between the Northern Virginia counties and the other parts of Virginia aren't a ripe subject for many jokes. But this isn't one of them:

"In RoVa, they like freshly killed venison. In NoVa, they like Alfred, Lord Tennyson."
Wow. Have you no sense of decency, Style staff?

By the way, in "NoVa" no one uses the term "NoVa" unless you are referring to the Northern Virginia Community College.


Sharon Rose said...

Come on, it made me giggle! Or maybe I just find it amusing because I lived in rural hick RoVA (outside Front Royal, to be exact) from ages 7-16, finished high school in Fairfax, went to UVA, then worked in Tyson's Corner before finally escaping the state.

At least with Front Royal vs. Tyson's, it's funny because it's true.

divine ms. k said...

I don't think it beats the "Wingman" article either.

If it wasn't so poorly executed, it would have at least enjoyed the possibility of being amusing. Alas, it never had a chance.

The Governess said...

yeah, no. i don't think it ever had a chance of being anything than the worst idea ever. even a well-exectued piece by a bunch of asshats is still written by, well... asshats.

and if not asshats, at least a grop of people who made an EXTREMELY poor judgement call in publishing something like this.

El Grande Pollo De La Muerte said...

No wonder the people in the rest of the Commonwealth can't stand the people in NoVa.

Now, I'm originally from Richmond, and I've lived up here for about 3 years now. So I think I can expound a bit on NoVa v RoVa and tackle some of the areas they may have missed.

1. In RoVa, people say hello and ask you how you are. In NoVa, people smashed against on the metro won't even say excuse me, let alone hello and most of the time, they're against places you wish your date would smash against.

2. In RoVa, people use their turn signals. In NoVa, the second you use your turn signal, the person in the lane that you're switching to will speed up.

3. In RoVa, people are geniune, polite and courteous. In NoVa, people are self-important, abrasive political hack jobs.

4. In RoVa, houses are affordable. In NoVa, houses in Anacostia, MD are affordable.

5. In RoVa, people in NoVa think you're a obviously racist because you think the South will rise again. In NoVa, no one's a racist because they're so diverse up here; even if they go to Fairfax, hire illegal immigrants for less than minimum wage to perform manual labor, and then claim that they're helping to support these people.

6. In RoVa, bad traffic is slowing down to 40 mph on the interstate. In NoVa, bad traffic causes you to consider cannibalism.

7. In RoVa, knowing someone for a long time means you've known them since kindergarten. In NoVa, you've known them 2 months.

8. In RoVa, everyone speaks English, albeit with a Southern accent. In NoVa, buena suerte.

9. In RoVa, gas costs $1.89. In NoVa, gas requires 2 forms of ID, prepayment and a wire transfer from Western Union.

10. In RoVa, $10 will buy you and your friends a round of mixed drinks. In NoVa, $10 will buy you a drink... at happy hour...on a Monday.

Red Line said...

Cross posting from one's blog is awesome! Go Van!

Since when is Anacostia in Maryland?

JG3000 said...

I grew up in southwestern Virginia and now live in Arlington.

Oh, those wacky Post staffers!

Seriously, when was the last time you read anything even remotely funny in the Style section? (And, no, Mark Trail doesn't count)

Articles like these illustrate why everyone in the rest of Virginia hates Northern Virginia.

divine ms k said...

Um, van, isn't that pretty much just stupidity in the other direction?

Also? If you can't get a round of drinks for under $10 at a happy hour in "NoVA," you just don't know where to go.

PK said...

Seriously, van, take that shit out of here. The entire point of the post is that this sort of thing is generally, well, stupid (The Tennyson/venison thing makes me want to beat myself with my shoe); that it at a BARE MINIMUM has no place in an actual newspaper (although I'm sure it would fit in fine on your blog); and that it's more evidence of how low the Post has sunk in the effort to boost its human-interest "reader"ship, along with recent pieces about wingmen, idiot Hill-tards trying to find Happy Hours via database, and sprawl kids plotting the future of their lame screamo bands.

And by all means, if you hate it so much, join your other friends who would rather be someplace else - you know the ones I mean, they have bumper stickers that say things like "Don't Mess With Texas" and "If God's Not a Tar Heel, Why is the Sky Carolina Blue?" - and go on back to your shangri-la of cheap drinks and thinly veiled English-first racism. The Post offers subscriptions out there, too, so you can keep hating us from afar.