Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Ethan Chandler: Behind the...uhm...well, let's call it "music."

By now, you, along with the rest of the world, are familiar with Ethan Chandler and his famous bank-merger bowlderized version of "One." You have Tubed it, David Cross has parodied it, I'm sure Aziz Ansari is prepping his own parody of the parody. We've even learned that Chandler has an album out, available on CD Baby, called Better Days Ahead. And what is coming in those better days? Well, to look at the artwork, we shall, in those better days that lay ahead, carry each other, carry each other, while bearing the additional weight of cathode ray tubes on our heads, as planes fly overhead.

Yes, when you bring in Ethan Chandler, you are bringing in an artiste, and, as such, he's got his own process of doing things, including even ripping off rock superstars to give that merger conference that super-affected, ultra-earnest vibe that drunk executives can use to fool themselves into thinking they are doing something special beyond grubbing at scads of pocket change. As it turns out, Chandler went through numerous attempts at finding the right song before ultimately settling on U2's old chestnut "One," and we've obtained some of the notes from his songwriting sessions. We think it helps to greatly illuminate the process by which Chandler took a little piece of our soul and vomited on it.

Sung to the tune of "Daft Punk (is Playing at My House)" by LCD Soundsystem
Lyrical sample:

Bank one is shitting in their pants, their pants
I'll show you core values, kid, show you core values
I said Bank One is shitting in their pants, their pants
I'll show you core values, kid, show you core values
They got poo dollops in their pants, their pants.
All the NASCAR cards, are in the wallets
And Bank One is shitting in their pants, their pants
You got to join them up kid, join them up

You got to merge 'em up, ooh ooh yeah (x2)
You got to join them up, join them up

Cow bell solo

Well everybody's lined up at our bank, our bank
And Michelle Shepard, is in the Northeast.
Got everybody's money at our bank, our bank.
We're integrated...with Liam McGee

REASON IT WAS ABANDONED: Believe it or not, there wasn't enough cocaine on hand--even at a bank merger conference--for everyone to safely enjoy LCD Soundsystem

Sung to the tune of "Helena" by My Chemical Romance
Lyrical sample:

It's such an awesome thing to saaaaaayy.
So long and goodnight!
So long and goodniiiight!

REASON IT WAS ABANDONED: The board of directors didn't want to have to explain to shareholders in their annual report about how they made Ultragrrrl's "vagina explode."

Sung to the tune of "By The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth" by Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
Lyrical sample:

Once -- There were banks separated
So -- they talked to Liam McGee.
Know the effectiveness of core values
and corporate synergy
Run -- I want more higher standards
We are one--with mad affinity

And let me tell you I now have planned
To have cards in my hand that have new
Branding by its thick corporate skin
MBNA is B of A.

REASON IT WAS ABANDONED: Played. Also, Pitchfork wouldn't go higher than a 6.2.

Sung to the tune of "Stuck Between Stations" by The Hold Steady
Lyrical sample:

There are nights when I think that Liam McGee was right.
MBNA and Bank of America have such a great time together.
Growing from each other at our ministrations.
making sure core values are straight.
matching one another with collossal expectations.
dependent, disciplined, with lower rates.

They were a really great bank and with just a boatload of capitol assets
We are a damn good institution with a flair for customer service.
We liked our core values enough to make a solicitation.
And now it's crystal clear that tonite we've achieved mad integration
In the marketplace.

Me and Michelle Shepard took a walk together
We ended up in Charlotte talking to the shareholders
She said "I am totally holding it down up in the Northeast
but our heads put together make for great investors".
There was that night that we thought that Liam McGee could fly.
but he didn't though he tried.
He said "I'm pretty good with words but words must reflect our core values."
They didn't till we got tied.

The merger was exhausting but soon we'll be acclaimed and respected.
If you love the Golden Gophers you can have them on a card that's a winner.
We like the warm feeling, the affinity of our corporation.
Our higher standards will lead to total customer retention.

These twin bank kisses.
Sound like mister and misses.
and we'll build ATM's down on the banks of the Mississippi River.

REASON IT WAS ABANDONED: As it turns out, Bank of America Chairman and CEO Ken Lewis actually once was dusted in the dark up in Penetration Park.

Sung to the tune of "Transatlanticism" by Death Cab For Cutie
Lyrical sample:

A new bank was born today, and I'll tell you how...
The board members got together, and wrote it all out.

Higher standards are just the surface of a new bank we can cheer
Our core values inform every goal
We'll make thousands upon thousands of dollars
Making cards with APRs that are low
So looo-oow

All our people are overjoyed, Liam McGee is so stoked...
Bank one looks like less of a threat, more like a joke
We got cards for your favorite teams and colleges, Cap One is silenced forever more
The distance was quite simply much too far for one to row
But two'll go farther than ever before
Oh woooaaah.

We are now so much closer...
We are now so much closer...
I need Michelle Shepard so much closer...
We are now so much closer...

REASON IT WAS ABANDONED: Chris Walla was REALLY anal about how the PA should be set up. Also: Michelle Shepard was starting to think the whole thing was getting kind of weird.


robox2000 said...

We really should find a way to get your versions to Michelle Shepard. I think she'd be touched...

Anonymous said...

worth it just for "we'll build ATMs down on the banks of the Mississippi River"

Anonymous said...

hilarious! : )