Monday, November 06, 2006

A Hail Mary for George Allen

Going into tomorrow's election, George Felix Allen and Jim "My Name is Only Seven Letters Long Yet Still Too Long to Appear on the Ballot" Webb are still locked in a bitter race. Now, I'll be honest with you: I've come to know Allen up close and personal from the many years we were both residents of the Capital of the Confederacy. I don't much care for the man who, as one of his former law professors once quipped, is the "second dumbest person to ever graduate from UVa. Law." Mary Sue Terry was, lucky for Felix, the first dumbest, and, man, was she ever.

So, right now, if you were out there thinking, "Hmmm. I bet the DCeiver is leaning Webb," you'd be pretty much on the mark. But all is not lost. I am willing to offer George one last shot at earning my vote tomorrow. To get my vote, Allen only needs to agree to one simple thing:

He can let me hit him in the face. No backsies.

It's a very simple litmus test that I extend to all persons running for office: you let me hit you in the face, and by gum, I'll vote for you. Usually, the races I vote in are so far apart in margin for a candidate to take me up on the offer--that's how Jim Moran, while eminently hittable, has avoided entering into this contract with me. But, Allen needs all the help he can get--help I can provide.

Now, before you get all bent out of shape, I don't want to HURT George Allen. I'm a lover, not a fighter. I can't imagine deriving any joy breaking a man's teeth or splitting his lip. That's for sick and empty cynics. I see the punch in the face being of the sort that occurs when two best friends get drunk and one says to the other: "Hit me in the face as hard as you can." and the other guy does, but, shit, it's his bro! He doesn't wanna do him no harm. So he all but pulls his punch, but, being tipsy, lets it be just a leetle teeny bit too hard. Enough for a second of "wake up" pain and maybe an embarrassing looking lurch backward. NB: This wouldn't make me and Allen bros. I just want to say--this ain't gonna be Fight Club style antics. I just want to have my own private moment of Allen looking awkward and embarrassed because I hit him in the face to savor.

I want to do this for two reasons. First: I think it's important at this historic mid-term election that Americans reassert themselves, and teach our elected officials to learn their place. For two long, we've fawned on these people like celebrities, treating them as if they are our best and brightest and deserving of vaunted status in our society, when, in reality, we should all treat elected officials as the offal-crawling dalits that they are. The more we learn to treat politicians and their ilk as low-life pieces of worthless chattel, the better off we'll be. Because, in America, power truly is supposed to come from the people. It's time to relearn the American Caste System:

From highest to lowest:
1. Me and my fellow American citizens.
2. Our pets.
3. People who work in A&R for major corporate music labels.
4. Our public servants.
5. The people appointed to office by our public servants.
6. The cast of Grey's Anatomy. (I don't know about you, but I am THROUGH taking shit from those people.)
7. The people who staff the people on levels 4 and 5.
8. Starlings.
9. City Paper blogger Melanie Boyer.

George Allen is three whole levels beneath me and my fellow American citizens, so there shouldn't even be a question as to whether I should be allowed to hit him or not! (Sadly, it's still poor form to punch the A&R guy from Warners in the face. Just try to remember: in the morning, you'll be sober--he'll still be an A&R guy.)

Secondly, I want to hit George Allen in the face just because if he wins, everyone I know is going to bitch about him for the next six years. And rightfully so. But, for once, when I hear the bitching, I'll be able to shrug and say, "What...THAT guy? Ehhh, whatever. I once hit him in the face."

So, think about it George. Election Day is tomorrow but the night is still young! Your face, my's an arrangement where everybody wins! Unless, of course, the SurveyUSA poll showing Webb up 8% is right. Maybe you better get an ice pack, come to NoVA, and "get out the vote"--on YOUR FACE!

1 comment:

The Governess said...

i just printed out your list and taped on my office wall. you know, just as a reminder.