Thursday, December 07, 2006

George W. Bush has basically given up.

Oh, now, this is getting sad. You know, lighting the national Christmas Tree should be a happy day for a President. The sort of thing that you wake up the morning of, all excited, cheeks red as apples, with a childlike gimble (is that a word, gimble? Ehh, fuck it.) in one's step--just counting down the seconds until you get flip that switch! But, today, we read that moribund ol' bah humbug Bush couldn't even be bothered to walk the half-block or so from his front door to the tree to do the honors. He had the motorcade DRIVE him! Absurd!

I mean, this guy is physically fit. That's the one super successful thing he's done with his Presidency--get in shape. He works out, like, seven times a day. So, this isn't a failure of physical will. No, it's clear that at long last, Bush is taking being the lame duck President of a nation of people, half of whom are trying to get ITMFA as their vanity plate at the DMV. It's all gone wrong: the war, the domestic agenda, the he finds himself kowtowing to resurgent Democrats, coddling inept Iraq leaders, and hanging around with his dad's creepy friends who, like, want him to read a book or something. I have to imagine the last straw was when he got Mary Cheney's birth announcement. "Oh, for gosh darn fuck's sake, for gosh darn fuck!" he must have said.

Look, Mr. President, you have got to get it together, dude. This is how it starts: the lethargy, the lack of will, the failure to enjoy the things you used love--like lighting Christmas trees and electrifying the genitals of retards. But it gets worse from there. Before long, you're spending all day in your pajamas. A week later, you're drinking ranch dressing right from the bottle. Soon, you're blogging. And then, before you know it, you've hit rock bottom--watching TNT's reruns of Judging Amy.

Mr. President, no one wants those things to be a part of the last years of your Presidency. Now, I know, I've been hard on you, but look: it's two years and change and we're all in the same handbasket. It may seem like you don't know if you're coming or going, who likes you and who doesn't. But, I can assure you, there's one thing you do every day that all Americans are thankful for: you're keeping Dick Cheney from becoming President. So, cowboy up. And Merry Christmas. Now, go see if Eartha Kitt is still around. That woman is a WILDCAT!

1 comment:

brownpau said...

You know, back when Truman was president and the White House interior was being gutted and redone so he and the First Folks had to go live in Blair House, Prez Harry walked to work in the Executive Offices, crossing Pennsylvania Avenue -- and it was still open to traffic. He and his entourage waited for the stoplights and everything.