Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Have a Merry Deathly Christmas. UPDATED!

Hey. I loves me some Aimee Mann. Don't get me wrong. I got my fave scenes from Magnolia on lock, and, time in and time out, I think she delivers some of the best pure pop out there. But, is it just me, or does the cover of her new Christmas album kinda sorta creep you out? Something about the subzero color, the ghostly skin tone, and...oh yeah, all the effing ANTLERS just, sorta, terrifies me on some subliminal level. Plus, I'm guessing that One More Drifter in the Snow is about dead hobos. I would not be surprised if this image was spliced into Apocalypto every 200th frame.

I have, thus far, managed to avoid Christmas' most melodramatic and cringing moment: which is the tune "L'il Orphan Joe," which, somehow, I have heard on NPR every year for the past four years. It's unerringly played during one of NPR's rusticky Americana music shows--not that I mind rusticky Americana music--it's quite refreshing, actually--but this Orphan Joe song just about puts me over the edge with how full-out TRAGIC it is. Here's how it goes: Fuckin' Orphan Joe toddles out of his orphanage one snowy Christmas Eve without a coat or shoes to go a'walkin' in the snowdrifts in search of his old house. Upon finding said house, he's visited by the ghost of his mother, who not only spectacularly fails at providing Orphan Joe with adequate succor, but also fails Joe by not saying, "Holy shit, kid! You are going to freeze to death! Get some shoes!" You practically yell at the radio, "Don't do it, Joe! You'll get frostbite! Turn back! Stop listening to your dead mom!" But it's all to no avail--Orphan Joe dies, and nobody learns anything, and I'm like: "Well, thanks for RUINING CHRISTMAS, NPR!"

Really. If I wanted to be sad at Christmastime, I'd just go to the mall.

I take it all back. THIS is the most terrifying image I have seen this holiday season:

Again: don't ask me why. I'm just not prepared to see the State of Illinois--all dangly and flaccid, outside of the context of the contiguous United States, let alone painted in Pepsi colors, LET ALONE BEING DESCRIBED AS "A STATE OF DELICIOUSNESS." No, friends, I am truly NOT READY for any of this shit!

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