Thursday, December 28, 2006

Musiclist: The Worst Albums of 2006

Anti-Flag, For Blood and Empire

I know, guys. Bush sucks and all. But is the answer punk rock that's totally devoid of heart or wit or anything approaching humanity? The dull, portentious, think-tanky self importance oozes out of every poundingly banal song, and, let's face it, no one's invented the wicked punk hook that can save a song titled "Depleted Uranium Is A War Crime."

Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti, House Arrest

Is this insipidity, set to music? Or is it the literal SOUND of insipidity itself? Because this record will flat out MAKE you stupid if you listen to it long enough.

Babyshambles, Down In Albion

Why can't British authorities simply lock Pete Doherty up? Why do they tolerate his embarrassing drug use? It would be one thing if the drugs allowed him to make music that could make it possible for someone to--you the cheerleader and save the word and shit--but this record sounds exactly like an actual, unromanticized, drug user: aimless and addlepated.

Eagles of Death Metal, Death By Sexy

When Axl Rose renamed these guys "Pigeons of Shit Metal," it gave the world a little bit of hope that ol' Axl's gonna be okay after all. Anyway, the upside is that you're gonna find a whole lot more room on board the "Josh Homme is a genius" bandwagon.

Excepter, Alternation

This sort of music exists only because there will always be that one guy in the room who's committed himself so deeply to the self-loathing, indier-than-thou persona that he now listens to music that isn't even in the slightest way enjoyable.

Liars, Drum's Not Dead

This is much better than their last record, but that's not saying much: their last record was basically unlistenable. This one's just pointless. A lot of indieyuppies listen to this band continually shit on their potential and just lap it up. I just think it's tragic.

Morningwood, s/t

I'll admit it, "Nth Degree" burned up my iPod this year. That song's mad catchy. The rest of it: embarrassing Garbage D-sides from a band that wants to pass off juvenalia and a dearth of ideas as being ironic-cool. Yeah, maybe y'all didn't get the memo, but it's 2006, and we're tired of that shit.

Page France, Hello Dear Wind

With indie-rock this dull, there's no wonder Baltimoreans get excited about Martin O'Malley's fuckin' ceili band.

South, Adventures in the Underground Journey to the Stars

Well, that was the most boring undergroung journey star adventure EVER.

Test Icicles, For Screening Purposes Only

There are worse things than this record. The Holocaust. Srebrenica. Falling in a woodchipper. And...that's about it. For real: I think this record is actually physically harmful. I think the band has arranged musical notes in such a way that it actually, literally hurts. Luckily, this band broke up, like, FIFTEEN MINUTES after the record coming out, which spared us all the bother of hunting these motherfuckers with torches and pitchforks.

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