Tuesday, December 19, 2006

President Bush Loves Some of You More Than Others This Holiday Season

Last year, at about this time, we chronicled the Holiday Wishes that were sent by President Bush to his citizens. Go and see how well you fared last year.

First, let's give the Prez some props. We fully expected him to just recycle last year's collection of holiday wishes. But, to his credit, he changed everything up a little. And while, sure, in some cases, there wasn't much more done than the strategic rearranging of sentences (sorry, Jews!), we think it's great that the President doesn't have everything he has to say to the nation encoded as autotext macros (like "stay the course", "9-11...Boo!", "as the Iraqis learn to taste great, our armed forces will become less filling...").

At any rate, let's get to some down and dirty analysis.

How he speaks of Christmas:
Quoting Isaiah 9:6 (and, for the record, the Biblical Isaiah would never call for the cheap shot even if it were 20:6), instead of last year's Matthew 1:23, the President nevertheless manages some poetic, florid images to discuss the Christian holiday. Men and women are "patient", expectations are "joyful", "God's plan" is welcomed with "great faith" and the story of Christmas is one of "wonder and surprise", even though we've all seen Linus Van Pelt spell it out for us a million billion times.

Historical context:
He gets it right for a second year, correctly placing the birth of Christ as over "two millenia" ago. What's odd is that he calls the present moment "a time of joy and peace." Oh, if wishes were dollars, Mr. President, we could set up every aggrieved Shi'ite a split-level in Tucson!

How does the Christian faith redeem our nation?
Millions of compassionate souls take time during the holidays to help people who are hurt, feed those who are hungry, and shelter those who need homes." In other words, you Christians are sort of like a half-assed version of FEMA. Nice going.

Special message to the troops:
We owe them a debt of gratitude and pray for their safe return, all the while pretending that the only real obstacle to their safe return isn't the President himself.

The President hopes your Christmas is:
Merry. Peaceful. Surrounded by friends, not Sunni death squads.

Hey, Xtians! You are Bush's favoritest peoples in the whole world!

How he speaks of Hanukkah:
Last year, he cut and pasted from the Encyclopaedia Britannica, with Laura's help. This year, he cuts and pastes from last years cutting: Temple...Maccabees...smoke your marijuanica, and torture your dirty bombukkah.

Historical context:
Again, he understands, at the very least, that it all went down for the Tribe about 2,000 years ago.

How does the Jewish faith redeem our nation?
The glow of the menorah is a reminder of the blessings of a just and loving God." Also...how did you guys get the oil to last that long? Because, if you guys could just let us all in on the secret...

Special message to the troops:
Damn! Last year, Bush gave a shout-out to the Jewish troops! Not so this year. Thanks for starting all the wars in history!

The President hopes your Hanukkah is:

Neoconservatism has obviously fallen on hard times! (Ohhh, shut up, David Brooks. It's just a joke!)

How he speaks of Kwanzaa:
Surprisingly perfunctorily. Last year, he was dropping terms like Nguzo Saba and checking off each of the Seven Principles by name. This year, he sorta vagues it up. I guess he's seen this year's exit polls.

Historical context:
Bush mentions that this year is "forty years after the first Kwanzaa." You realize that this means Bush is actually in the 95th percentile in "knowing even ONE fact about Kwanzaa."

How do the Black People redeem our nation?
"Our Nation is a better place because of the contributions African Americans have made to our strength and character over the generations." See! Kanye was all wrong!

Special message to the troops:
There is absolutely no mention of troops. Again.

The President hopes your Kwanzaa is:
Joyous. But please note that while George and Laura are happy to "pray for" the Christians and the Jews, they're only willing to "send best wishes" to the Black People.

And, chances are, they sent those best wishes at book rate, which means most of you Black People won't even get them until Kwanzaa's long over.


Sorry, guys. No special message for this time of year. But take heart! There's a politically expedient surge of 4,000 additional troops coming down your chimney soon enough!


I don't have my own blog, so I copy edit yours. said...

'...the only real obstacle to their safe return is the President himself.'

Do you mean "isn't"?

The Deceiver said...

Oops. Yep. I do.

Knemon said...

"you Christians are sort of like a half-assed version of FEMA."

Think you've got that backwards.