Monday, January 29, 2007

The 24gasm: 10:00am

  1. Wow. Was it just us, or was voiceover dude who says "Viewer discretion is advised," like, leaning heavily on his words this week. As if to say, "If you've never taken me fucking seriously before this week, bitch, you BEST BE taking me seriously NOW!" It was that Pinterian pause that got me..."Viewer discretion...pause pause pause advised." Worth a high-five.
  2. Wow. Given all he has been through, it's surprising that President Wayne Palmer's bowels didn't just open wide and sluice their contents right down his pants leg. The only explanation I can offer is that he's just all out of shit, like the Air Supply song, and now can only blow a column of methane memory through his lower abdomen. Again, I don't blame him. I do wonder how the man who fell asleep in Bill Buchanan's guest room became President.
  3. I feel bad for Karen Hays, who can't be having the doom sex with Bill Buchanan that you know Martha Logan and Secret Service Agent Aaron Pierce are having right now. I mean, say what you want about 9-11, but 9-11 sex was HAWT. I have to imagine that Mushroom Cloud Over Valencia sex is like a crazy, unhinged search for the last seven orgasms.
  4. Speaking of: anyone out there from Valencia? If so, how does it feel to get a shout-out in this way from a television show? Are you like, "Fuck yeah! We blew up on 24!" or are you more like, "Gee...hope this doesn't fuck up our property values."
  5. Damn! The White House bunker looks a LOT cooler than the White House itself. If I was president, I'd want to work there all the time! And not just because the entire world's going shithouse.
  6. Chloe and Curtis were friends? Really? Really. What did they talk about? Chokeholds? Pressure points? Tupac's posthumous recording career? Really? Friends? Really.
  7. Fayed drives through the scenes of his wanton destruction, but, at least his driver is good enough to NOT run over a girl crossing the street. He's apparently working with a guy we'll call Amoral White Guy, who's hella pissed he didn't get some advanced warning that L.A. was going to start blowing up. Sorry, AWG--in for a terrorist penny, in for a terrorist pound. They pass a helicopter on the roof of a house. I wonder if Paul McCrane, after ER, gets nervous around helicopters.
  8. "Don't Go Back to Valencia." And waste another year, right?
  9. Ugh. Okay. Now we've heard from the guy who wants to respond to terrorism by nuking everything in sight. This sort, insanely, does exist in the real world. Is it that they don't understand the fact that nuking the middle east will touch off an environmental catastrophe so severe that we may well muke ourselves? Seriously. Why isn't smacking these sorts of people in the mouth with a pipewrench not a plausible, acceptable solution?
  10. That was good of Biscuit McLieberman to stick up for the President.
  11. Meanwhile, Assad has made it to CTU. Handshake moment. We can already predict that eventually, the handshake will be reciprocated. But not now. Oh, no. Not now.
  12. "Can you tell me anything about Gradenko?" Yes. We were at a policy meeting. They were planning new ways of cheating. I didn't want to rock your boat, but you sent me this dangerous note!
  13. Yay! Finally someone said, "Put it on X's screen!" Five episodes in.
  14. Jack's dad is involved? Oh, that's going to tap a previously untapped well of angst, isn't it? From the first season, we've watched Jack's desperate drive to be some sort of family center. Now the writers are going to open up another river of pain for Jack to wallow in. Man.
  15. I have to side with the FBI when they tell Regina King to fuck off when she asks, "How are you going to put a wire on [Walid]?" Jeez, lady. With tape? Who knows? She should take comfort in the fact that she's not getting a detailed explanation. It means the FBI are the good guys. Only bad guys launch into a sixteen page powerpoint presentation of their masterplan.
  16. Ooh. Are passions beginning to flare between Regina King and Special Agent Cyril O'Reilly?
  17. Jack asks Sam if his number "showed up on his screen." Look. I'm glad you guys thought to make up for lost opportunities to mention the screen, but, writers, let's not forget that "send it to my screen" and what not is for talk between agents! People in the real world don't use that term. At least I hope they don't.
  18. Fuck! Evil Bluetooth Earpiece dude from last season is Jack's brother? FUCKED UP!
  19. God biscuit just can't wait to shred the Constitution! I only wish Karen Hays would call it what it is...not "the politics of fear", but the "insane and titanically moronic politics of tough sounding activity that will result in no terrorists getting arrested or killed or even stopped and American rights scaled back to the level of Uganda's."
  20. Awww. Bill Buchanan comes back for that handshake. Adorable.
  21. I'm still finding it hard to believe that this detention facility is in Anacostia. By now, Adrian Fenty would have pandered to somebody if it had been the actual Anacostia.
  22. Jack and his brother have an awkward reunion. I swear, this is the most constipated relationship in 24 history. And that's saying something--remember, Chloe is a character on this show. These two make Kim and Johnny Drama in the survivor bunker look like Harry and Sally.
  23. Jack finally punched Paul McCrane. It's funny how long I've wished someone would punch Paul McCrane. I thought it would mean something to me to finally see him get punched, but surprisingly, I'm just numb. Damn you, Paul McCrane.
  24. Oh my God! Are you listening to this speech from President Palmer? It's so Mr. Rogers! "This is now a fact. The question is, what are we going to do about it?" And his tone of voice! I definitely thought Dubya was the kind of smug condescension, but somehow, Wayne Palmer's like miles pat him. Worst possible post-nuke speech ever in life.


Robson said...

>>It's funny how long I've wished someone would punch Paul McCrane.

Twenty years ago, someone did.


McCrane played Emil, Clarence's #2. Emil, you may recall, got dunked in toxic waste in the film's final reel. He emerged from the vat a shadow of his former self, his skin oozing off him, his sad entreaties ("HERRRUUPPPP....HERRRUUUUPPPP MEEEHHHHH....") going unheeded by his fellow henchmen (Ray Wise in particular wanted nothing to do with poor Emil, shoving his decaying ass off). Emil wandered aimlessly into the path of a speeding vehicle, which rammed into him and freakin' liquefied the poor guy.

Between this and the helicopter beatings he took on ER, is it any wonder that punching Paul McCrane just doesn't satisfy?

(Mind you he looked awfully fetching wearing the plastic bag at the episode's end, if only in clear-plastic-gimp sort of way.)

Anonymous said...

Dude ... your 24 recaps rock. Not sure what else to say, given the volumes of alcohol consumed this evening. Basically, you add about 5 to 15 minutes to every hour.