Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The 24gasm: 6:00am.

  1. At last. 24. Another season of formulaic setbacks, easily avoidable ambushes, totally penetrable perimeters, backbiting officemates, crazy fucks at the right hand of the President, impossible cell phone tricks, bizarrely navigable Southern California cities, and the phrase "send it to my screen" again and again. Plus, violence by the metric ton. And while the show may, arguably, not take it blithely, I can guarantee you one thing: I will.
  2. So, as we begin, we learn from a vaguely Chris Parnell sounding dude that terrorists have launched a campaign of sporadic bombings, most recently tagging San Antonio. I'm totally unconvinced that this makes a whole lot of strategic sense. Maybe there'll be some pretend think-tankery on this. It just seems so Legion of Doom. One thing's for sure, in the future, we will gather around public televisions!
  3. Kal Penn! I totally forgot Kumar was on the series this year!
  4. So, of course, the guy the bus driver shuns is not a terrorist, but guy he let on is. YOU SHALL KNOW THEM BY THEIR DOWNMARKET MP3 PLAYERS!
  5. Wayne Hussein Palmer, who, as nearly as we could tell, fell fast asleep at Bill Buchanan's house just as the action was getting started last year, is now President, having overcome both his rather awkward middle name and his tendency to cry while making love. (He totally does.) We also welcome, Peter MacNicol, to the 24verse. He will be playing the corrupt/crazy guy who inexplicably ended up in the President's inner circle, despite being a broadly drawn caricature of Joe Lieberman and Michelle Malkin (both of whom are also, in real life, broadly drawn caricatures). MacNichol's character (who in tribute, we'll call Biscuit), obviously dreams of locking up Muslims and being on the receiving end of The Weekly Standard's Thursday night bukkake celebrations.
  6. Also, this season, it will be President Palmer who's gonna be menaced by a cougar. A cougar named Karen Hays! Meee-OWWW! Well, played, Miss Hays.
  7. So two years after Jack goes to China, CTU is basically getting its ass kicked by terrorists. It's like Michael Brown's in charge at Division. I hope that's the case, because, otherwise, you have to blame Bill Buchanan and Chloe. I mean, some things are the same--in this case, Chloe's husband/former show salesman/ex-MI6 Morris and Eric Balfour are the two designated foils for all your CTU territorial pissings. But, CTU should be used to that by now. It shouldn't diminish their operational standards.
  8. OMG! Jack is getting off the plane, and, by the looks of things, the Chinese forced him to be in My Morning Jacket!!
  9. The Chinese dude is all, "Jack never talked during the entire time we were jacking him up like so much meat." We get a good look at Jack's hand, which looks like it's been slavered with pus and raw chicken. Are we going to have to look at that all year?
  10. I like how they have to get Jack cleaned up, and they've provided him with some WWI era washbasin. I mean, spring for some of that quadruple blade action, at least. And what about a hot meal? I mean, insert your tired joke about Chinese food here why don't you?
  11. Awww. Bill Buchanan and Karen Hays are totally married. We can tell by the ring on his finger and the way the straight up pine for each other in that post-menopausal way when they are on the phone together. I wonder how the toast at their wedding went: "I remember when Bill told me about the day he met Karen. She came to kick him out of CTU because of incompetence and insubordination and the fact that this guy died from nerve gas. I don't have a funny joke to go along with that. The guy died from nerve gas. God. That's not in the least funny."
  12. Okay. Let's remind ourselves of something that's true of all 24s in the first hour. The plan is not the plan. Whatever happens in the next 23 hours, it will have NOTHING to do with the deal for this Assad guy.
  13. What!? She fucked up the Jarvis Firewall? Not the Jarvis Firewall!
  14. A chance pausing of the TiVo leads to a screen capture where we can see a computer monitor at CTU, it's browser window open to the "L.A. Tribune", the headline: "America Under Seige." Nice.
  15. I think the worst thing about Jack's sacrifice is the he's going to have to die in Los Angeles.
  16. We get to meet Mr. and Mrs. Who The Fuck, and their son, who's got a super-sensitive mane of hair and looks like he's going to grow up to be an Eagles fan or something. Just some innocent Americans who are going to follow in the long 24 tradition of earnest dipshits who get caught up in this mess. The son comes home to tell his dad about how his pal Ahmed's dad got arrested. Kal Penn is playing the role of Ahmed and right away we aren't buying their friendship. Ahmed comes across as being a minimum fifteen years older than the other kid.
  17. Chloe forbodes that her crazy relationship with Jack is going to lead to trouble. Jack means so much to her: the way he yelled at her, told her to do her job and get him satellite coverage, the way he always said "We don't have a lot of time, Chloe!" It truly is a magical relationship.
  18. Chloe and Morris reconfigure satellites, which totally get detected and almost results in CTU's deal falling through (which it's going to anyway), and yet, once again, it's still not enough to get Chloe fired. I swear, she could commit an act of terrorism and Bill Buchanan would probably rationalize, "But we have to keep Chloe! She's our best analyst and is amazing on the computer. Our only hope in catching Chloe is to keep her employed.!
  19. Sure enough, Bill is bitching about the lack of manpower. The fact CTU is understaffed probably came from the 9-11 Emergency Package bill that gave like $20trillion to the Biggest Ball of Twine in New Mexico but zeroed out funds for major target cities. L.A. has been the center of every other 24 so you'd imagine they'd be well funded.
  20. Jack doesn't want to die for nothing. That's nice. Did he want to die with his shirt buttoned up all the way to the collar like that, though?
  21. When and if this is all over, Karen and Bill are going to have the hottest sex of their lives. It'll be a hot combination of anger sex, imminent terrorist threat sex, and massing doom on the horizon sex.
  22. Oh, no! Kumar is a bad guy! Van Wilder would not be amused, Kal Penn.
  23. DUDE! Kiefer just seamlessly went from using his Flatliners powers to distract a guard to using his Lost Boys powers to rip a huge piece of the guard's neck out with his MOUTH! HOLY SHIT!
  24. Jack Bauer: I'm in ur tunnelz, chewin ur henchmanz jugularz!


Melissa said...

Love it! I live for these posts. One teeny thing:

"A chance pausing of the TiVo leads to a screen capture where we can see a computer monitor at CTU, it's browser window open to the "L.A. Tribune", the headline: "America Under Seige." Nice."

Um, *cough cough*, it would be "its." Just saying, if you're gonna mock spelling ... :)

Duke Frankencow said...

I too was glad to see Peter MacNicol as Pres. Palmer Vol. 2's right-hand man this season. I look forward to hour 16 when he commences praying to Vigo, offering up Allie McBeal's adopted child as a sacrifice in the middle of Union Station.

Jay said...

I hadn't been reading this blog for a while, but came back as the new season of 24 kicked off. Glad to see that your posts are still funny and relevant--I yelled out "Biscuit!" when MacNicol came on screen.