Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The 24gasm: 7:00am

  1. We last left Jack Bauer in the tunnelz deep underneath terror HQ, picking some of his recently acquired neck gristle out of his teeth. We'll see Jack kvell at the thought of wreaking violence in this episode (and, we gather, at other times in the series), and so the sight of Jack escaping all vampire-stizz doesn't quite square. But we remind you that a) it's probably the first meal he's had that wasn't damp rice and chai laced with sodium pentathol, so, in a way, it was the pause the refreshes, and b) if I understand the rules correctly, that terrorist will rise from the dead and become another Jack Bauer.
  2. As a stroke of luck, the terrorist dude and his henchies stop just one corner short of the cowering Jack. It should be a rule: before giving up, terrorists should just check around one more corner. We're guessing that CTU really scrubbed him down with some Lifebuoy or something, because I'd imagine Jack's stench would give him away.
  3. Now fortunately for Jack, Fayed stupidly went ahead with a Chatty Villain Move, telling Jack all about his infernal masterplan to use this Assad dude as patsy while he wends a path of destruction across the United States' b-list of cities.
  4. Naturally, Jack's first move is to call CTU, and, let's get real, there's no one at CTU who should be at all surprised that Jack is alive. He gets patched over to President Palmer--the most emo president ever--and does his best to explain that the man they thought they were dealing with is actually the main bad guy. This is basically always the case--the first concept of what's going on is never what's actually going on--this should be a built in protocol.
  5. So, Jack spills what he knows and Biscuit McLieberman is already fuckin' naysaying it. This is where Jack should interrupt and say: "Mr. President, having been through this five times already, I think it's safe to say that the douchebag who's talking right now is the guy you shouldn't be listening to. He's already very likely lied to you about things and is no doubt pursuing a course of action that's going to cause a very simple solution to get fucked up when we need it least. I swear, you Palmer's can be such shitty judges of character."
  6. It has to be said, that whole necklace exchange between the earnest son and Kal Penn? Kinda foofy. I'm sorry, grown men do not exchange pendants "for luck."
  7. So, Jack's off to save Assad, racing in his car to try to stop a missile attack. If the whole thing seems a bit like Syriana, well, guess what? Assad is played by the same guy who played Prince Nasir in that movie. Hopefully, Kiefer will get to Assad and pull him out of the house, as opposed to staring at him stupidly as they both get blown up, a la Clooney.
  8. Jack's out in the field without the two things he loves the most: Brown Bag, which he will not sacrifice for anyone or anything, and his telescoping looky-thing. It's like he's naked. Luckily, any tool is a weapon if Jack holds it right, and, in this case, he makes do with a stick.
  9. Karen Hays and Wayne Palmer fight over whether they should be listening to Biscuit McLieberman, who, we imagine out of frame somewhere, penning a sequel to Mein Kampf and trying to get Hannity to blurb it. Wayne protests, but Karen cuts him down with, "David didn't like him." Oooh, snap! Had to play the dead President brother card, didn't you Hays?
  10. I've made the case elsewhere that being told that you will get 72 virgins in the afterlife doesn't sound like any sort of reward to me. Can you imagine being dead, free from worldly cares, rocking a dope harp like you were Joanna Newsom, drinking ambrosia and shit, and every night you have to come home and take one of 72(!) virgins through the paces? All the while, they're nervous and awkward, they don't know what to do with your junk and don't have a feel for what they'd like done to their junk--in fact, they probably have a bunch of stupid girly nicknames for all the various parts like "butterfly" or "yoni"--I mean, I COULD GO ON. But shit, you'd think a guy would want an afterlife sex partner with some damn experience, maybe a few new things to show you, not a bunch of dopey rookies. I think before I blow myself up for God, I'm gonna turn down his first few offers. 72 virgins is definitely the lowball.
  11. Oh, Chloe--you don't even need to depixelate that .GIF. You know it's Jack, your platonic, yelly, love. Any minute now, he'll be calling for satellite coverage...
  12. President Palmer pauses to say: "Okay...okay...this makes sense." That's the first time those words have been uttered in the 24verse! I mean, AMNESIA, anyone? COUGARS, much? Johnny Drama in his What The Fuck Bunker in the middle of the woods? Kim's Season 3 hairstyle?
  13. Chloe to Bill Buchanan: "...Karen Hays...uhm, I mean...your wife." That's for everyone who hasn't yet figured out that Karen and Bill are married (and having waaaaaay better sex than any Islamic terrorist in the afterlife) and that Chloe is socially awkward.
  14. In my notes, I have written "most delicious meth." This fills me with wonderment, I don't know about you.
  15. Oh, in the meanwhile, we get another subplot with Regina King (woot!) who is like OUR FAVORITEST EVER. And not just because she is the voice of Huey Freeman from The Boondocks, though, that is a plus. Ever since she got that voice gig, we've had the darnedest time completely disaassociating her own voice from that of Huey's. So, when she really gets indignant on 24, it has this odd resonance. And when Regina King's commercial comes on, and we think Huey's trying to sell us tampons, that resonance gets even weirder. Anyway, she's like, the head of some Islamic-American Foundation or Association, and FBI Agent Cyril O'Reilly is all up in her grill trying to get her orgs personnel files, but she's calmly reciting Glenn Greenwald and looking like she'd be only to happy to choke her some FBI agents. Again, we totes totes adore Regina King.
  16. So, Kal Penn, after getting his ass roundly kicked, grabs a gun and kills the asshole from down the street, and we feel weird about this. I mean, Kal Penn's a terrorist, but who doesn't want to see the asshole down the street get capped? I guess I'm conflicted, but I'm gonna call this one a draw.
  17. Damn. Is Kal Penn's rage entirely based on this little kid mispronouncing his name?
  18. The terrorist suicide bomber is going to attack the L.A. Subway, so, at least there'll be very few deaths and no loss of vital infrastructure! Ohhh, me. An L.A. subway joke. They are like: with six, you get eggroll.
  19. Hey. The terrorist at least waits till everybody gets off the train before he moves to get on. It's so nice to see that, even in these troubled times, people can at least manage a bare minimum of decorum and civility.
  20. As of right now, no one has said, "Send it to my screen." This is not helping most 24 drinking games any, though, in fairness, I'm sure everyone's still reeling from about an hour ago, when Jack ATE A GUYS NECK and the rules stipulated that you have to shotgun bong every bottle of liquor in your house.
  21. WTF with the ticket taker on the Metro? What do they think this is? The MUNI? Do they really have ticket agents on board the trains checking tickets like it's New Jersey Transit or something?
  22. Jack saves the day by kicking the suicide bomber off the train, but it begs the question: why did the bomber get on the last car? That makes zero sense.
  23. Are any of you growing tired of Biscuit McLieberman's nervous tics? He's totally calling to mind the jerkoff store psychologist from Miracle on 34th Street. And since when does a department store need a store psychologist, anyway?
  24. Apparently, while Jack stopped the attack on the L.A. Subway, concurrent attacks on a hotel in Chicago and at a mall in Baltimore succeeded. Sigh. If there's a bright side, however, it's that perhaps Kim Bauer was in a hotel in Chicago or a mall in Baltimore. (We're guessing mall in Baltimore! Fingers crossed.)


Kris said...

I wish Regina King only did tampon commercials. Instead she does VO for huge pads avec wet wipes. It makes the baby Jesus cry and avoid Jerry Maguire reruns.

Sommer said...

By the by, the L.A. subway actually does work on an honor system, much like Berlin's U-Bahn. You have to buy a ticket before your ride, and then sometimes a dude will come around and ask to see your ticket (though often times no one will come by and you totes could have gotten away without paying). If you get caught without one, you get fined like a brazilian dollars.