Sunday, January 21, 2007

The 24gasm: 8:00am

  1. You know, the Wife of DCeiver and I are sort of upset that the disclaimer at the beginning of the show hasn't yet contained the admonishment that graphic violence was to follow, instead opting for the generic "parental discretion is advised." First, isn't parental discretion always advised? Are there situations where parents can legitimately claim to have no need to supervise or otherwise pay attention to their kids? It's too generic. Second, Jack did kill a man by BITING HIS NECK last episode. I mean, if you are going to play your graphic violence card, there's no sense trying to tiptoe around it. Finally, we just like the graphic violence warning. I told you that we take that shit totally cavalierly.
  2. Damn. This Scott kid needs a haircut. This is one of the few things the people behind 24 actually don't do well--they have never had a believable teen character on the show, ever. They're always steeped in fashion from five years ago, hairstyles from ten years ago, and characterizations from straight out of a Laura Sessions Stepp article. Scott is among the worst--painfully earnest (sorry--you don't survive grade nine anymore without either having an emo addiction or some other studied affectation of vaguely pained disaffection), militantly stupid and a haircut that makes him look like Kris Kristofferson.
  3. Wayne Palmer is on the phone with the terrorists, and he's totally missing his moment. President Palmer! Jack Bauer is back! He's just put one in the victory column for you! Now is the time to be bold, Mr. President!
  4. From the FOX 24 site: Woot! Jack Bauer apparently has a B.A. in English Literature from UCLA! This should make Sommer Mathis very happy. I wonder what Jack specialized in? Does he have a favorite Shakespeare sonnet? Did The Faerie Queene bore the poop out of him like it did me? Did his TA's take on Heart of Darkness piss him off as much as mine did? Did he have to read Middlemarch? Is he a big Jane Eyre fan? Did he make it through Ulysses?
  5. Okay, 24 Nation, raise your hand if this ongoing CTU office territorial pissing contest between Morris and Eric Balfour is at all interesting. Anyone? Anyone? No? Okay. Time to put this shit down like a rabid chinchilla, yo.
  6. For the first time this season, Jack yells: "Chloe, I don't have a lot of time!" It goes without saying that a familiar moistness has returned to Chloe's underwear.
  7. Wow. Los Angeles' Route 7 is nothing like our Route 7. If driving on our Route 7 was a central part of 24, the show would have to called 28 or 32.
  8. Well, it's clear that Curtis isn't quite giving Jack the level of "buy-in" he's looking for when it comes to Jack's "Let's all embrace our former terrorist enemy as our newly minted buddy in The War On Terror." Someone needs to do some trust exercises!
  9. Jack takes some dudes car. I would think it would be an honor to be carjacked by Jack Bauer. Think about it: you'd totally call your wife and be all: "Sweetie! You'll never guess who just broke my nose and took our Lumina! Jack Bauer! Yes...yes! The guy who's saved the world, like, a million times! What? Yes, yes, I suppose the pain is excruciating...what? The car? I don't know, darling! I suppose we may not get the car back! I know. I know! Honey, I don't think you are seeing the big picture here! Jack Bauer! Jack Bauer carjacked me! The man is a goddamned hero, Eleanor, a goddamned hero. He's fucking dreamy, okay? Just dreamy. This is SO going in the Christmas letter."
  10. Ahhh. President Palmer says: "We don't have any other option!" You knew that was coming after Jack dropped his first "Chloe, we don't have a lot of time!" Now, all we need is for someone to say "Send it to my screen."
  11. Also: for the first time this season, Jack goes back "on com."
  12. From the FOX 24 site: The good news--Bill Buchanan also is a fellow B.A. English guy. Here's what's weird: according to the site, Buchanan received his degree from Brown University, which makes Bill Buchanan the first person (fictional or otherwise) from Brown that I've ever been inclined to take seriously.
  13. Poor Scott. He brought his terrifying kitchen knife out to maybe attack Kumar, but, let's face it, that's not how most people think their first stabbing is going to go.
  14. Okay, so, the terrorist's massive plan seems to be to just inundate America with suicide attacks. But, tactically speaking, does this make any real sense? Sooner or later, doesn't Fayed just run out of henchmen? Is that when he unleashes the Yorkshire Terriers of Jihad?
  15. From the FOX 24 site: Agent Curtis Manning has a degree in...Sociology?! From...UMass!?! WTFs!
  16. Don't you love how the camera subtly clues us in to the fact that the Middle Eastern dude with Alec Ounsworth's hair and the over bite is the most important one of these prisoners?
  17. The Anacostia Detention Facility? So, that's the big development plans for east of the river. I guess you couldn't put it in Woodley Park or Brookland without the NIMBYs going apeshit.
  18. So, with Regina King bringing the outrage, Huey Freeman style, it begs the question: how did Wayne Palmer get elected? Seems to me that he starts with one foot in the bucket being brother to a fiesty, anti-establishment, Muslim-hugging firebrand. Plus his name is John Wayne Gacy Hussein Osama Palmer. Of course, on the other hand, you have big brother Palmer who was shot in the neck and much beloved. Maybe they offset. Maybe no one hears about how you cried yourself to sleep in Bill Buchanan's house last season. Also, according to the Fox 24 site, Wayne went to Stanford and got his Juris Doctor at Yale--but those are two things that frankly haven't meant shit to me in about a decade.
  19. CTU is now establishing a "moving perimeter." Seems to me that this is ill-advised, considering that they haven't mastered the art of perimeters that don't move.
  20. I love the prison guard who yells "There will be no mistakes!" You might as well be taunting the television gods with that shit. Remember back when the X-Files was on, what happened every time Agent Scully promised a child that they'd be okay? Child always died. On American Idol, everytime some auditioner describes their voice as "unique" or "not like anyone else?" What they mean is that they sound inhuman or like a million hedgehogs getting tased by Satan. On ER, everytime the introduced a new female character? Noah Wyle would hit that. These are just things that happen because they always happen. Like the Red Uniform guys in Star Trek. Or, frankly, the Red Uniform Guys on 24.
  21. Scott's dad shows up with Kumar's box of money to get the package. By the way, how did Kumar successfully squirrel that box away in the drywall of his house? When I was a kid, there were, like, a million places to hide things. It would never have occurred to me to punch a hole in the wall, repatch it, sand it, spackle the cracks, and repaint it. Uhm, maybe put it under your mattress?
  22. Speaking of Kumar and the package, I think that Kumar is really passing the buck on the whole not having enough money to buy the thing. It's not Scott's dad's fault that the guy wants more money for it, and it's really not fair to make him solve it. Seriously Kumar, you're never going to amount to anything in this life if you can't learn to solve your own problems, or at least blame them on America.
  23. Poor Dad of Scott. I bet that's not how he imagined the first time he killed a guy would go.
  24. You know, I hope that fucking device isn't broken? On second thought, I kinda hope it is. Why doesn't Dad of Scott just bust it up a little? Someone should do something, otherwise the next hour could be extremely violent. Of course, they didn't presage it with a warning of graphic violence...so, what's the worst thing that can happen? Jack bites another guy's neck? I've already grown totally desensitized to that.

1 comment:

KCinDC said...

"Grade nine"!? Are you one of those Canadian infiltrators?