Sunday, January 28, 2007

The 24gasm: 9:00am.

  1. To revisit the issue of 24 and torture, I have to say, now that I've seen the entire first season of Alias (you know, about eight years too late), it seems pretty crystal clear to me that if you are looking for a show that blithely deploys scenes of torture to advance nothing more than the entertainment (by which I mean, it doesn't ask the viewer to question or confront torture as an issue), then Alias, NOT 24, is the show you are looking for. BY A LONG SHOT.
  2. So far, are you satisfied with Abu Fayed as the baddie? I mean, the guy looks like he's a proud Slytherin graduate. It's like someone took a palm sander to his face to get the maximum evil edge out of his cheekbones. But to my mind, Marwan is the gold standard of 24 villain. He had all that great terror evil, but you could imagine him hanging out with Jay-Z, too. Abu Fayed, I'm sorry to say, if he walked in the room, I'd be like--huh, maybe this racial profiling shit works? Of course, later I'd realize that it's nothing to do with "race" and everything to do with "dude who wants me to KNOW that he is as evil as Sauron.
  3. Bill Buchanan: "Come on now people! Be better! Faster!" It is a little sad that the average Papa John's make-line is filled with people a good deal more motivated than the people at CTU. By now, they should have posters in the breakroom at CTU that read: "When you slack off, moles get inside, release nerve gas--Edgar dies and Chloe cries. Do you want Chloe to cry, asshole? Do your fucking best, and SEND THAT SHIT TO MY SCREEN!"
  4. That's right. A suitcase nuke. It's small enough to fit in a suitacase. Hence the name. Suitcase bomb.
  5. Ugh. FINALLY. Wayne Palmer makes the decision that he wants Jack out in the field, holding shit down. Like, that should've been the plan from JUMP.
  6. Jack has got serious competition in the whole "Traversing Los Angeles in an Reality Defying Short Period of Time," as Nameer--the enemy combatant who got sprung by the corrupt guard when they lined up everyone to get on the plane, has managed a change of clothes and come all the way across L.A. to rendezvous with Fayed. And mind you, he did it even with the L.A. subway closed. That's like TWELVE additional commuters on the street!
  7. Kumar makes Scott's dad choose who goes free. He chooses Scott, and Kumar, predictably says that the wife can go free. "Now I know who you care about the most!" I remember thinking, "What a bitter reward it must be for Scott's mom! To be set free but doomed to know your husband chose you second." It's the sort of things that can come between a man and his wife, but, then again, there's things like nuclear explosions, which can come between man and his molecules.
  8. Scott's mom sort of hesitates, but she eventually calls the authorities. People, this is the correct call. When terrorist neighbors take you hostage and make your husband deliver a nuclear component to operatives bent on destroying America, call someone. Get help. That's what they're there for. To help. Unless you have, like, heat vision. If you've got heat vision, make your own goddamn contribution, all right?
  9. Kumar says: "351 Old Mill, Valencia. You know where that is?" It made me want to reply, "What? Valencia? Or your secret terrorist hideout?"
  10. Wow. You mean this little interoffice spat between Morris and Eric Balfour has been over how to delimit tabs? Really? Really. You know...I have, uhm...a production assistant who uhm...does that sort of thing for me. Because I have more important shit to do than...you know...merge data. And, I would think that senior counter-terror analysts, what, with all the socket opening and screen sending, have more important things to do as well.
  11. Awww, yeah. You see how smoothly Chloe settled all the cocks in her henhouse? Is there any doubt that Chloe will be the President in Season 10? Snarky leader of a pussywhipped nation?
  12. Curtis is unhappy with the state of affairs. He's protecting a terrorist, taking orders from a guy who's been having his back made into Moo Shu the past two years, during which time he hasn't received a promotion or been able to teach his men how to form an inpenetrable perimeter, and all he can think about is years ago, as a sociology major at UMass, and how he just wanted to, like, help at-risk youth learn to read and shit.
  13. Meanwhile, Kumar isn't doing much better. Fayed wants him to kill Scott, but Kumar doesn't want to. Dude. In for a terrorist penny, in for a terrorist pound. Ultimately, this is the answer to the old Kevin Smith debate about the moral equivalence of the dude on the Death Star who manages payroll or waxes the gymnasium floor with Darth Vader himself.
  14. By the way, according to the Wikipedia, Valencia, California is home to a Six Flags and a water park and is the birthplace of some dude who plays for the White Sox. Anyone in the 24verse with a sentimental attachment to that shit better get down to making peace with it.
  15. Here's another thing about CTU: they can't keep moles out, or keep bad guys in there perimeters, as Chromewaves always points out, whenever they leave their office, they get ambushed, and, AND, whenever they absolutely, positively, MUST keep someone alive, they always, ALWAYS get them killed. First it's storage locker terrorist, now it's Kumar.
  16. And don't get me started on those merchants of Death, the CTU EMTs.
  17. Now that CTU has got an address of where they are keeping the suitcase nuke, explain something to me: why not send in some missile-laden gunships to take them out in a matter of minutes--like, say, the ones that were sent at a moment's notice to take out Assad--rather than wait on the CTU tactical team? I mean...gunships. Gunships!
  18. Oh, look! Walid is HAPPY to be locked up! Where he can make a difference! Internment camps are a good thing. Vvvvnnneeaaah.
  19. Now we learn about Agent Manning's past with Assad. His men in Desert Storm were captured and beheaded by Assad's lieutenants. Heavy. Still, Manning would be a lot better off if he could focus on the positives and the rich life he's led. He commanded men in Desert Storm! That's pretty cool!
  20. And so Jack's gotta put ol' Curtis down. You realize that this was the 24 equivalent of Old Yeller, don't you?
  21. Now, Jack's all a-freak. Possibly Kiefer is using that time he tackled and killed a Christmas tree as his Stanislaviskian sense-memory.
  22. Oh. No. Instead, he's going to hug a tree instead. God. We don't like this new emo version of Jack.
  23. Oh, come on, CTU Tactical Team! How can you not hit the ONE GUY, standing RIGHT BY THE BOMB, with a KABILLION BULLETS?
  24. Oh, well. So much for Valencia, California. On the bright side, maybe Kim lived there.

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