Wednesday, January 10, 2007

George W. Bush Poised to Unleash the Surgegasm!

PS: I am DUMB! Somehow I had it in my brain that tonight was a SOTU. I wish! Sorry for the lame, lame, lame. Half-hearted corrections below!

Tonight, President Bush will address the nation in what will hopefully be his penultimate State of the Union Iraq address. We've all known what's been coming for months, of course: TIME FOR THE SURGE! Twenty-thousand additional troops are going to Iraq to finally, once and for all, turn Baghdad into the glorious, post-Islamic Epcot Center it was destined to be, as it was told to President Bush by the magical television on which he claims to have watched the first plane fly into the World Trade Center.

SURGE! There's so much to talk about, and yet so much naysaying! Time was, ol' Bush could propose just about anything and scare people into agreeing with him. But now that his approval rating is such that all of his supporters can reasonably and comfortably fit into the average high school cafeteria, he's got to go all out to justify it. The fact that only the most addlebrained pundits support it while many formerand current high ranking military officials are gravely expressing their "Surging Generals' Warnings" isn't helping. Tonight, Bush will do his best to explain how the surge will help, and detail how it will work by explaining the following things:

  • Where the 20,000 troops will come from. My understanding is that some will be pulled from Afghanistan while most will be pulled from, uhm...Iraq. How does that work? Apparently, the lion's share of the "surge" will be nothing more than a long extension of certain units' tours of duty. That doesn't sound like much of a "surge", but, then, "surge" tested a lot better than "strategic super inertia." At least we're finally cutting and running from Afghanistan.
  • A reminder that if, on Dick Cheney's hunting trip, there had been a sudden "surge" of drunk quail, it would have been more likely that he wouldn't have shot Harry Whittington in the face.
  • What it is the surgers will hope to accomplish that still needs to be accomplished after having hung a giant sign touting the accomplishment on a boat in the middle of the ocean.
  • How, mainly out of spite, Jim Webb's son will have to do most of the surging.
  • How we're supposed to fight Joe Lieberman's personal war against Iran while we're doing this.
  • How the last man to die for a mistake will make sure to get the lights on his way out.

All in all, it will make for a memorable night. I'm sureHopefully, Bush will cover many other things as well, like acknowledging President Ford's existence. Also, his domestic agenda--like how much Congressional Page cock his fellow Republicans plan to devour in 2007 and his plan to send a rocket to Mars containing nothing but Thomas Jefferson's personal copy of the Qu'ran. Personally, I'll be looking forward to an update on his vaunted War Against the Human-Animal Hybrids. He's been diligently reading their mail without a warrant, after all, letters like:

"Dear Family:

Happy holidays! I hope the new year is treating you well. We have had an eventful year in 2006. Shirley says that the kids' gills are coming in nicely, and I feel like we're only about a year away before America comes to accept my right to have a gay Communist unicorn horn right in the middle of my forehead."
President Bush will likely take the opportunity to warn the manimals in our midst that he will be unrelenting in pursuit of them, and that, when they are caught, they will be hastily tried and hanged. Muqtada! Muqtada Muqtada!

The whole thing is likely to conclude when Nancy Pelosi wearies of all of Bush's stammering and unfolds her vagina dentata like a massive dufflebag full of San Francisco values to devour the President whole. Let's hope she does so early enough to prevent The Knights of Prosperity from being pre-empted. Palomino!

[many thanks our Supreme Turkmen Kriston Capps for the image.]

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