Monday, February 19, 2007

The 24gasm: 1:00pm

  1. Sigh. Right now, doesn't it feel like that White House political machinations are far removed from the terrorist crisis on the ground? Granted, they still both exist within the Mistakes We Already Made Galaxy...but on two different planets. Part of the reason is the Wayne Palmer feels like he's been pre-roboted for Disney's Hall of Presidents, but it's also that removing that part of the action all the way to Washington makes these bunker scenes feel a little too much like Moliere-gone-Sci Fi. I used to mutter at the contrivances that always brought the Pres to L.A. for the goings on, but now I'm seeing how smart that was.
  2. Raise your hand if you wanted to see "Graem" go out like he did in Robocop, like, shambling and moaning in front of a moving car that splattered his liquified remains all over the windshield.
  3. You know, let's not complain about Chloe resyncing the whoosits. Let's talk about the fact that CTU hasn't undergone a server upgrade in six fucking years! And don't even tell me that CTU isn't using UPS for all its enterprise shipping!
  4. I love how Milo strips off his jacket to get down to business. Because it's outerwear that's been holding him back.
  5. Again, I'd like to point out that here we are, once again, breezing through Los Angeles' vaunted wall-to-wall parking lot-like traffic. And, for that matter, this has been a Los Angeles that's been nuked. The streets should be jammed with cars. I'm not going to buy for one second that Los Angelenos would stay at home and shelter in place like they were told. They have to knwo by now that God just hates them.
  6. Milo: "Jack! They got away! They could be anywhere!" Jack: "Dammit, Milo! They could have gone anywhere!" Milo: "Jack! Why are we arguing about this, asshole?" Jack: "I agree, cockbreath! Too often, it seems like we just talk past each other, without really even listening to what it is the people we love are trying to say to us!"
  7. Oh, Morris, you are so boned. No way, she gets the seven million from the terrorists. Bad enough that walking in and out with seven million is fully within the dimensions of "too good to be true," it's dealing with venal, torturous, nuke-detonating, evil terrorists--it's simultaneously that"too fucking awful to be true" scenario.
  8. Tra-la. Back to the White House bunker. Biscuit McLieberman looks like he's gonna cry over his lost network of extralegal internment camps for the swarthy. Well, Biscuit, maybe you'd have been better off in an administration where your views were shared, rather than an administration put together by Joel Surnow, in which people who wouldn't normally even speak to each other other than to offer some casual Dick Cheneys to one another are somehow herded into the same administration and forced to pretend like they all have tremendous respect for one another.
  9. Biscuit and Reed need to fuck or something. There. It needed to be said.
  10. Biscuit: "No...Now, the President is going to advance his own agenda." I know! It's just so crazy that the President has an opinion and the means to implement his policies! What will they think of next? Women's suffrage or something?
  11. Man. Just how many Palmers are the while people intent on killing?
  12. What's the over-under on Jack's nephew Josh coming through this experience so fucked up and traumatized that he becomes, like, the Bizarro Jack Bauer (hates his country, loves his daughter, has a telescopey thing that makes objects look farther away) that threatens a nearly de-radiated Valencia in season 28 of 24?
  13. Okay, Morris. I don't want to have to say this too many times...just use the power of lying! Fix the nuke device slowly...feign difficulty recognizing it...tell them you need to replace a damaged part...just keep buying yourself time, dude. They'll stop hitting you and Jack will save you!
  14. What, you mean CTU hasn't been using a SatCom Overlay Filter? Jesus, man. Bring your SatCom Overlay Filtering best or don't come play at all! Especially when you have Chloe on your team--she's like the Greatest American Hero of SatCom Overlaying and Filterage.
  15. We note with happiness that CTU does have a slightly better track record of storming apartments. Mind you...Fayed will get away, but CTU should be able to pull this off without losing eight tac-teams.
  16. Hey, Mr. Cheney! Check it out! Morris is going for a little dip! Thanks to you, any American soldier can have the same done to them and we can't say boo about it! Know why there isn't a song called "When the Vice-President Talks to God?" Because taunting God doesn't constitute "talking," asshole.
  17. And, so, bad girlfriend dies without getting her mitts on the seven million. I like to think that her last thought was of Palm Springs.
  18. You know, with all these dank, dark, poorly lit workspaces in the White House bunker, it's a wonder more people don't just turn evil, like Chad Lowe. I mean, a little color? Some plants or flowers? Just a little effort would make everyone a lot calmer and less bloodthirsty in their traitorousness.
  19. Biscuit says that the President's reasonableness is proving that terrorism works. No,'re batshit crazy, Constitution-shredding ideas and the very fact that you can and are having them are proof that terrorism works.
  20. Chad Lowe: "What if there was some climate change?" What?! Is he Al freaking Gore, now?
  21. Biscuit rebuffs Chad Lowe's overtures...again, this is more than Hillary Swank ever did!
  22. Oh, Morris. If you had just believed in the Miracle of Lying, you totally would have run out the clock on Fayed and gotten rescued by Jack!
  23. Speaking of Fayed, he made the dumbest escape in 24 history. In less than three minutes, he shimmied down a rope, made it past the CTU perimeter, and somehow got to a waiting helicopter and took off without anyone notcing? Really? Really. It's so stupid that I feel embarrassed for the actor who had to come on to impart that exposition to Jack.
  24. Jesu, joy of man's motherfucking desiring! WHY DOES MANKY HANDED JACK HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING?? Could we have someone--anyone--NOT recently tortured by the Chinese step up to play Operation, the Wacky Doctors Game--especially when that particular brand of Operation is attached to Valencia-vaporizing lethal force?

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