Monday, February 05, 2007

The 24gasm: 11:00am

  1. How did Jack's brother get a name like "Graem?" I mean, I understand, "Graham." I can get my head around that. But "Graem?" It's like that period of time when all the dorky junior high-school girls were experimenting with really stupid versions of their name or changing it entirely as some sort of pre-adolescent stab for identity assertion, only in "Graem's" case it stuck. He is sooo like a junior-high school girl. I'm going to leave "Graem's" name in scare-quotes. I just can't get behind it.
  2. It's so nice to get to hear the tail end of Wayne Palmer's stoned, oddly-stunted message of confidence to the nation. Thanks, real time.
  3. As if we needed more assurances that Biscuit McLieberman was not to be trusted, we get the big reveal that his Chief Toady-slash-Flunky is played by Chad Lowe, the Ultimate Zeta Male! It's going to be depressing as hell to see the cougariffic Karen Hays taken down by this pair of jokers.
  4. I love how government contractors are the bete noire of this season of 24. They totally deserve it. I didn't do anything as vaunted as collect and disable former Russian nukes when I was working in contracting, but I can guarantee you that if any of the firms I had worked for won that contract, we would have definitely handed over the nukes to some asshole who'd later threaten the safety of the entire world with them. And you know what else? We would have overbilled for our services, too. Government Contractors: Setting Fire to Your Tax Money Since Before You Were Born.
  5. "Graem" and Jack resolve to set off on another 24 Mission to an Otherwise Non-Descript Los Angeles Office Building, traditionally, the deadliest location in the 24verse. We are six years into this series, and CTU has yet to develop an effective protocol for visiting these places. If I , or the excellent blogger at Chromewaves worked for CTU starting tomorrow, the first thing I'd do would be to write the protocol: "L.A. Office Buildings and You: Yeah, You Are Totally Getting Ambushed."
  6. One thing I hope this season of 24 answers is what the fuck "Graem" and his Gang of Bluetooth Earpiece Wearing Fucknuggets were up to last season. Those dudes were the only part of the whole crazy nonsense I didn't understand.
  7. The CTU genius trust swings into action: "Fayed is likely to be moving away from the fallout." Gee, you think?
  8. From my written protocol "L.A. Office Buildings and You: Yeah, You Are Totally Getting Ambushed." "STEP ONE: You can never have too many tactical teams backing you up at one of these visits. Take all of them."
  9. I love how the guy who is brokering the exploding nuclear devices and trying to find someone who can reverse engineer the trigger mechanism finds his whinging bimbo girlfriend to be the thing "fueling his negativity." When you've reached that point in life where you are working with rabid, amoral terrorist cells to get nukes planted in key American cities, you have sort of given up your right to tell your significant other, "Look. I am normally a REAL GLASS IS HALF FULL KIND OF GUY, but you--you just FUEL THE FUCK out of MY NEGATIVITY!"
  10. Not to disparage Bill Buchanan, but it seems to me that if were looking for leads, I'd reckon that now that Fayed needs a new dude to engineer the nuke trigger, I'd be researching who in America has the expertise to do that and locate them so that I was one step ahead of the terrorists, and not pooling available expertise to conclude whether Fayed is more or less likely to go away from a cloud of nuclear fallout.
  11. Meanwhile, over at Anacostia's scenic Muslim Detention Center and Botanical Gardens, Regina King is working herself into a very Huey Freemanesque lather. I can't wait until she starts insulting BET!
  12. Biscuit McLieberman finally gets around to issuing his job-and-reputation-threatening challenge to Karen, prompting Wife of DCeiver to start yelling at the TV, "GO TELL THE PRESIDENT! GO TELL HIM! NOW! TELL HIM EVERYTHING! CAN WE GET THE EEEEEEEVIL CHIEF OF STAFF SHITCANNED FOR ONCE!"
  13. The only solace you can take is that by removing Karen, Biscuit is going to start either influencing the President incorrectly or issuing a bunch of outside-his-authority orders that are in turn going to cause more chaos, impact CTUs efficacy, cost them a vital lead, and, in so doing, enrage Jack Bauer to the point where he pulverises Biscuit's ass with the hurricane force of his white-hit anti-terror midichlorians.
  14. I am sick, sick, sick of Biscuit's bullshit argument for taking away our Constitutional rights. "The only thing our founding fathers had to worry about were we have nuclear bombs." Guess what, asshole, the only option our founding fathers had for countering threats to the state was to send a fucking deputized silversmith riding around New England on a horse lighting fucking LANTERNS. We have progressed since then, and if the great minds that lead this country have fallen behind, DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON ME BY TAPPING MY PHONE AND SENDING THE DUDE WHO WORKS AT MY PHARMACY TO AN INTERNMENT CAMP.
  15. I think the next guy you hear talk about how we need to give up some essential liberties should be forced to start with himself and bloody well allow the entire First Armored Division from Fort Bliss to be quartered inside their fucking condo.
  16. From my written protocol "L.A. Office Buildings and You: Yeah, You Are Totally Getting Ambushed." "STEP THREE: Announce your entry with a well-timed fusillade of bazooka fire."
  17. How many of the Ten Commandments has Jack broken? He's killed, he's comitted adultery, he's borne false witness. He's almost certainly taken the Lord's name in vain. He held up a gas station, which constitutes stealing. Now we've learned that he covets his brother's wife and hasn't done the best job honoring his father. It seems that Jack is one graven image away from hitting the Mortal Sin Yahtzee.
  18. Karen goes to Wayne Palmer and, sure enough, fails to just tell him what the hell is going on. This, despite the fact that Wayne seems to know something untoward is behind it--a rare example of a Palmer judging character well.
  19. How did Walid get so good at pickpocketing just like that? I know that one can tend to pick things like that up in the joint, but he's been in the joint for like fifteen minutes! If I were the FBI, I'd get Walid out of there right now on the grounds that within a couple of hours the motherfucker would be a criminal mastermind!
  20. FBI agent Cyril O'Reilly praises Walid for being a great "harvester of information", but me thinks that the plot is about to scrawl one hell of a fucking crop circle on Walid's fields of information. Sure enough, Walid receives a near-death beatdown for stealing that dude's cellphone.
  21. From my written protocol "L.A. Office Buildings and You: Yeah, You Are Totally Getting Ambushed." "STEP SEVEN: No! Look! Why are you going alone with the company's Director of Security to the server room in the basement? He's so totally going to ambush you. Take a LOT OF GUYS with you!"
  22. Dude! What is with the blonde bimbo's endless shots at Palm Springs? Is it the one place in California Joel Surnow can't get laid or something?
  23. Wife of DCeiver looked at the two freshly scrubbed tactical team guys who were sent as the woefully undermanned Prevent An Office Park Ambush Team and thought, hopefully, that they might become the dudes who replace Curtis in the field. Sadly, they had Star Trek red-shirt guy syndrome and got killed by "Graem." Many more will die in vain unless my protocol "L.A. Office Buildings and You: Yeah, You Are Totally Getting Ambushed" is heeded!
  24. Biscuit McLieberman actually remembers to thank Chad Lowe for his help in ousting Karen Hays, which is a lot more than Hilary Swank ever did for him!

See you tonight for High Noon on 24!


Taylor said...

Excellent commentary.

divine ms. k said...

Now, I may a near-atheist, but I don't think the ten commandments says anything about your brother's wife. You're only forbidden from coveting your neighbor's wife. Adultery-by-marriage seems to be just fine... unless your brother lives next door. Then you're fucked.

Anonymous said...

When you get behind on your 24-gasms the terrorists win.