Monday, February 12, 2007

The 24gasm: 12:00pm

  1. Well, it's worth saying: not landing Donald Sutherland was a big missed opportunity. He's not dead, is he? I mean, did you know Jack Palance just died this year?! I know, it's been a slow motion parade of imminent demise ever since Palance's dignity was killed off in that sequel to City Slickers. You realize that Bruno Kirby died this year as well? Oh well. Billy Crystal couldn't kill Georghe Muresan...not all of him, anyway. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. Cromwell's been such a TV get lately. Never really made it out of the typecast ghetto after Babe. He's sturdy, serious...I have no beef with him. I can see Jack being his spawn. Still can't figure out "Graem" though.
  2. Meanwhile, back at the White House bunker, this episode's going to be all about whether Wayne is made of stern stuff or if he's going to knuckle under to the politics of fear. At the outset, you really have to give the edge to the politics of fear, especially since we once again have a Presidential administration where a thoughtful guy has allowed obvious troglodytes to have a seat at the table. I could have vetted Palmer's cabinet by simply ruling out everyone with that flinty glint of EEEEEVVVILLL. Also, Biscuit McLieberman's bad imitation of the Macy's store psychologist from Miracle on 34th Street would have been an obvious tell.
  3. Oh, CTU...Jack hasn't "gone dark." They were ambushed!
  4. Are you digging the whole explication of the Family Bauer this season? Because frankly, it's the most tediumtastic thing we've got going on in this series right now. Even more so than Walid, the pickpocket extraordinaire. If the Bauers were the Keaton's, the Family Ties theme would have gone: "What would do, baby...without us? / What would we dooo, baby...without us? / Probableeeee lots of things because our crippling intimacy issues and inferiority complexes wouldn't get in the way of our relationships, to say nothing of our vastly divergent worldviews and moral foundationnnns... / Sha-la-la-la!"
  5. So, "Graem's" henchmen bring Jack and Papa Bauer out of a van and up to the edge of a hole in the ground, and my first reaction is: "Oh, Graem wanted to execute them in the style of Jabba the Hutt!" Like he's built himself a L'il Pit of Carkoon but couldn' reverse genetic engineer the Sarlacc. Seriously. These are the things that go through my mind.
  6. Jack gets crossed with his dad for killing the guy he wanted to interrogate. "Jesus, dad! I wanted to question him! You're always doing that! Trying to stifle my inquisitive nature! Aren't you proud of me, dad? Gawd!"
  7. Okay. So, they have a picture of the guy that Fayed wants to make the triggers work, but it's scrambled, No Way Out-steez, and, do we even need to write a protocol? It's totally Chloe's husband! I mean, we see this coming a mile away!
  8. It sort of bothers me that they did this whole research thing on the name Gradenko that pulled up a list of names with Jack's dad on it, sending everyone running in that direction, but no one's seen fit to say, "Huh. We have a terrorist in need of a guy who can make these nukes work. Who's got the skill set. Let's crunch the data. Wha-wha? Chloe's husband? Zut alors! C'est un coincidence!"
  9. "I've seen what happens when you try to protect people," snarks "Graem's" wife. Oh, have you? Have you been watching? He's saved the country, like, five times, snooty-pants. It's what happens when he doesn't try to protect people that's fucked up.
  10. They send "Graem's" family back to CTU. You know, where there won't be any danger, ever. Because after five years, they've finally learned to put the breathing apparatuses INSIDE the room you run to in order to get away from nerve gas. They just learned that. Christ, the place has been bombed, infiltrated, moled, gassed, and compromised eleven ways from Sunday. Plus they have the worst medical facility in the world that's not in some Burmese prison camp. If you told me that you were taking me to CTU for my own safety, I'd probably ask if there wasn't some plane filled with motherfuckin' snakes I could flee to as an alternative.
  11. "Graem's" wife is all, "Keep Josh out of this?" How, exactly, would they get Josh into this? Put him on a tac-team? Give him some sockets to open?
  12. The whole Morris' brother is in the hospital thing is such an obvious ruse that they may as well have told him that his brother got hit on the head by a fusillade of plot-thickening anvils falling from the sky.
  13. Chloe attempts to convince Morris to do his job in the same manner that Edgar did when he learned about his mom's imminent demise, except to maybe hold his breath a little longer.
  14. Okay, man. Jesus. We have the knowledge as an audience member to know that "Graem" is evil and is thus undeserving of a great measure of sympathy, but Jack losing his fucking mind on him--I'm sorry, it requires a little more back story than we've been given. People get frosted by family members all the doesn't turn them into homicidal freaks. I suppose that we can factor in Jack's Chinese experience as a factor, but his desire to inflict pain on "Graem" just hasn't been dramatically justified. They need to batten the hatches down character-wise, or agree to put Jack in a fuckin' sanitarium for the rest of the show.
  15. Dude. When you've quickened the pulse of CTU's resident torture expert--a guy who goes to work everyday either expecting to stick someone with hypos filled with pain receptor googah or at the very least perfect his pain receptor googah for the next time he gets to do it--then you have really, really, gone too far.
  16. But "Graem" let's spill the beans about almost everything about last season. Maddeningly, however, he doesn't include answers to larger questions of "Why?" Beyond that bullshit "I love my country" claptrap anyway. Since last season, I've wanted to know what the Bluetooth Fuck Gaggle hoped to achieve and I'm at the point now where I'd order some more CCs of Pain Receptor Googah to find out.
  17. Meanwhile, back at the Scenic Anacostia Prison Camp, Walid has unleashed a jihad on his sense of self-worth.
  18. Sandra Palmer tells Walid that he is the "bravest, most principled" man she's ever known...and she knew David Palmer! He sells Allstate now! But then, unlike Walid, David was "electable."
  19. Hey, geeks. Tell me, is the "No Way Out" scenario even possible? Are there programs you can illegally download to make a scrambled .jpeg look right? My feeling is it's either totally, easily done or it can't be done at all.
  20. Powers Boothe is in the house as Vice President Noah Daniels...and clearly, we are meant to think of Vice President Daniels as a man so fundamentally base and evil that he makes Dick Cheney look like Burl Ives.
  21. Powers Boothe's presence on 24 was preordained the moment William Devane got cost many seasons ago. I mean, television has changed an awful lot in the past decade. Salman Rushdie's girlfriend hosts a cooking show on Bravo, for instance. Plus: Howie Mandel, people--how'd that happen. Still, some things never change, and if William Devane is going to get some, then you DAMN SURE Powers Boothe is going to get his, too. That's just the way this shit works.
  22. I've always liked the name "Powers Boothe", too. I like "Powers" because it references the idea of "powers". That is, having some. "Boothe" I like, because, after all, what powerful man wouldn't want to be seated at a booth? Makes sense, doesn't it? Plus, the extra "e". Like "Ye Olde Tyme" except...I don't know...bosser.
  23. Wow! Wayne Palmer sacks up, leaving Biscuit Mc Lieberman crying into his dipshit, fallacious analogies about how our founding fathers couldn't conceive of nuclear weapons. Know what? They couldn't conceive of Mooninite Lite Brites, either, but they're all up in the afterlife having a great laugh about it now.
  24. Ohh. Jack's dad offs his son! That'll do, pig!

Two-hour attempt at tightening the story tonight!

1 comment:

Melissa said...

"Ohh. Jack's dad offs his son! That'll do, pig!"

I love reading this every week. You rock!