Thursday, March 22, 2007

Attorneys, General.

Last week, amid the widening scandal of the eight fired US Attorneys, George Bush affirmed his support of beleaguered Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez. This means two things: one, the administration would have made a killing if they had trademarked the term "beleaguered" in reference to their own personnel, and two, it's the clearest sign yet that Bush is about to throw ol' Alberto under the bus.

We would of course, welcome the possibility that Gonzalez might soon be thrown busward. What's obvious is that he's been a bad Attorney General and, really, an even worse American. If I had my druthers, Gonzalez would be shaved head to toe, painted with tar, and made to dance the Watusi in the middle of Thomas Circle. Such a punishment wouldn't pass Constitutional muster, so, in a way, we think Gonzalez would sort of admire it. Up until the part I started kicking his balls, anyway.

Still, nothing in the life of the White House runs smooth, and it's probably not safe to conclude that Gonzalez is on the way out. How are his odds? And who will be the lucky replacement? These are the matters we shall now take up as we answer the question: Who Will Be America's Next Top Attorney General? We have narrowed the field to ten candidates.

1. Alberto Gonzalez
Hey. Maybe Bush doesn't make a change, but holds on to executive privilege with all his might. It's not like the phrase "The Power of the Senate Judiciary Committee COMPELS YOU!" has exorcised that many demons since the Dems took over--shit, they can't even non-bindingly agree to not force anyone to enter into their non-binding agreements! So maybe Bush digs in and decides that after eight years of incompetence, he's going to win this ONE battle. Or, better yet, he dismisses Gonzalez on Friday, then turns around and appoints the suspiciously named Talberto Tonzalez during his next recess appointment, and it's just Gonzalez with a thick mustache and a pair of weird glasses.

2. Michael Chertoff
Chertoff, who is best described as a ghoul crossed with a human-sized Pez dispenser, is the incompetent ninny who's been in charge of the Department of Homeland Security ever since Tom Ridge realized that he'd likely be left holding the bag the next time something horrible happened. A consummate idiot, Chertoff was last seen being the only person in America willing to stand up and praise Boston for freaking out over a bunch of Aqua Teen Hunger Force advertisements. At this very moment, he's probably penning his own account of those events, titled Dismantled LED Throwies of Our Fathers, or something.

3. Joe Lieberman
Lieberman makes the list because there's always someone who spins the scenario that Karl Rove wants to retake the Senate by appointing the Democrats' lone neocon crackpot to some cabinet position. This, of course, greatly overstates just how willing and how long the Republicans would be able to stand in the same room with Joe Lieberman and listen to him prattle on like some superpious sundried tomato twatling, but, there are lot of people who think the appoint-Lieberman-to-the-Cabinet scenario is just the pinnacle of beltway intrigue, so, this is for them--the brave idiots of politics.

4. Fran Townsend
Wonkette seems to favor the chances of someone named Fran Townsend, whoever the fuck she is. They further contend that Townsend is some sort of Hottie McLooker, which leads me to wonder if they really, truly appreciate the aesthetic appeal of Liz Gorman the way they should. Standards, people. At any rate, we are led to believe that if Fran Whatshername gets appointed, it might touch off an orgy of self-congratulation over at the Politico, and, as you know, whenever that happens, actual angels in heaven die.

5. Barack Obama
Sure, you're thinking, "WTF?" But follow me here. In the comic books, there always comes that moment where the evil maniac confronts the young, idealistic hero and attempts to recruit him to the evil side. "Join me...and we will rule TOGETHER!" he snarls, and, for a moment, we imagine that the temptation might work. Given Bush's tendency toward acting like he's recently suffered head trauma, this scenario could be in play at any moment, and Rove might encourage it, if only to briefly blunt the morale of the Obamaniacs. Frankly, we're surprised Bush hasn't woken up in the morning, totally convinced he's Magneto or something at least ONCE during his tenure at the White House.

6. Hugo Chavez
Given their past animosities, it might seem odd for Bush to tap the Venezuelan socialist strongman to the top spot at Justice. But if Bush's ideal Attorney General is a Latino dude who likes to clampdown on people's personal freedom, then Chavez is the only hombre more totalitarian than Gonzalez. Bush probably envies the way Chavez has shut down the Venezuelan press. (Isn't it funny? There's probably at least ONE Venezuelan reporter who WANTS to have a free press, while in America, the reporters who cover Bush would much rather be happy than be free.)

7. Harry Whittington
An unlikely candidate, but not entirely without qualities the President is likely to find appealing. He has a strong legal background, for starters. And, heck, we can basically consider the man battle tested! But perhaps the quality that Bush most admires is the simple fact that, through his own actions, Whittington--unlike so many others--has demonstrated that he does not thirst with the need to bring Dick Cheney to justice.

8. Zell Miller
Now we're just being terrifying for no good reason.

9. Saturday Night Live's Will Forte, portraying Zell Miller.
This, on the other hand, would be fun for everybody.

10. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed
Look at it this way: this dude has already cleared a lot of the DoJ's workload by basically confessing to damn near EVERYTHING: 9-11, the USS Cole, Teapot Dome, the Lindbergh baby, Judge Crater's disappearance, the Mothman Prophecies, spoiling the ending of Presumed can go on and on. With that in mind, it's a great opportunity to cut some government costs and fire even more US Attorneys! And surely the enemy of my enemy is my frenemy, right?

1 comment:

Bruce said...

Nice work, for what it's worth I think that there is no way that Fredo stays in his job.