Thursday, March 22, 2007

DC Voting Rights: Swallow the Poison Pill!

So, today, Washington DC came right up to the brink of getting Congressional representation--so tantalizingly close!--when all of the sudden, Lamar Smith (R-Hater!) skillfully used a parliamentary maneuver or whatever and got a poison pill attached to the voting rights bill--the upshot: if the District wants representation, they have to agree to lift the District-wide ban on guns. The Democrats, as if staring fearfully into the eyes of a Dementor, panicked, and iced the bill.

Now, look. I understand that Lamar Smith basically made the dick move of all dick moves. I mean, these fucks cry like SIDS babies in their final throes when they don't get the effing straight-up-or-down votes they whine for--we know that. I also understand that there are people for whom it would be hard to pull the trigger on gutting the DC gun ban. I mean, we all know what can happen when the U.S. Government starts handing out weapons to people--just ask any of the people who Saddam gassed!

But this was VOTING RIGHTS, baby! A lot of work and wrangling went into this bill, and the very real hopes of an entire city hung on today's events. But don't sit here blaming Lamar Smith! The bills proponents should have gone ahead and swallowed the poison pill. Here's five compelling reasons why:

1. DC Representation is just too big to walk away from.
Dude. This was about finally enfranchising, at least to some extent, the people of the District of Columbia! This was a momentous moment! A HUGE moment. Pass this bill, and no one's going to be talking about the gun ban being lifted. One of Lamar Smith's bitch henchmen might try make you feel bad, by being all: "Sucker! You had to swallow the poison pill!" But then he's going to see the massive fucking citywide RAGER that's gonna get thrown in the wake of DC getting a vote in Congress. It's going to be the most epic party the District has ever seen! The booze will flow like rain and the streets will be thick with bitches. It's going to be way better than the We Got The Gun Ban Lifted party. Look at it this way...pass the bill, and it's going to be the DC Voting Rights people who get laid, not the gun fucks.

2. Stop and put the gun ban in perspective.
Okay. So we lift the gun ban. Is that really so scary? It's like, what--six people who are raising a stink about the gun ban? If all of them go out and buy guns, it's not exactly a truckload of steel hitting the streets, is it? I mean, DC residents won't be compelled to buy guns they don't want, will they? So if it's true that the majority of DCers favor the ban, then we have no problem, do we? Besides, studies show that when you bring a gun into your home, it is more likely that it will end up killing you or a family member than an intruder. That means as time goes on, the bloodlines of gun advocates will gradually grind to a hereditary end, leaving fewer pro-gun voters out there. And that's not just statistics, that's freakonomics and shit, yo. Recognize.

3. Don't you like sticking it to punk ass bitches?
Because I do. These House Democrats oughtta be feeling like the time is nigh to start choking a motherfucker, and there's no better candidate than Lamar Smith. Dude think's he's so smart--but let's face it: his move was a bluff, not a checkmate! Smith's move was a desperate one, and the last thing he wanted was for his bluff to get called. You just know he was praying his bliff didn't get called. If it had, the GOP caucus would have been thrown in a tizzy: "What? Do I vote against guns? Do I vote to help black people? What do I do? My teeny, penny sized brain no have answer!" Gahh. I can't believe the pro-vote folks even blinked on this one! Of course, we'll be told that they scotched the bill because of their principles, but this is the US Congress! Principles and a buck-ninety-nine won't buy you a Frappuccino. So--fuck principles: instead, win. Winners get to decide what's principled and what isn't. If this bill comes back in a week: don't blink--stick it to them!

4. Some things are more lasting than others.
In considering the consequences of allowing both representation for DC and a lifting of the District's gun ban, we all have the tendency to imagine that once the bell is rung, it can never be unrung. This is not the case. Given another couple years, you may find yourselves with another Congress amenable to undoing what a previous Congress did. But consider this: it would be MUCH easier to re-ban firearms in DC than it would be to take away representation once it has been offered. Much easier. Crime's been down in DC for some time now, but there have been years past where compelling reasons to take guns off the streets occurred several times a night. That bell is easily unrung. Not so the voting rights. I'd like to believe that the guy who'd stand up before Congress and ask that an entire city's vote be stripped away would be vilified to no end. What's far more likely is that once the voting rights door is open, getting more Congressional representation becomes much easier. Especially if DC can prove that they won't elect Marion Barry--I mean, once that hurdle's cleared: game on. The state of the gun ban would be more subject to the ebb and flow of fortune and circumstance--but the vote has a good chance of being permanent.

5. Finally, consider the big picture.
Look. In the end, is it really possible that I am the only one who recognizes the hilarious, glittering stupidity that's right at the center of Representative Smith's desperate gun-ban gambit?

The District of Columbia has long clamored for representation. The city's citizens want their rights. They are demonstrably resolute. Their anger is growing. Their determination to see this through to success is boundless. In short, the environment is full of irate citizens who have proven to be tenacious in pursuit of their liberty--and Lamar Smith wants to give them all guns?! I'm no expert on these matters, but I think that if I were backed into a corner by an oppressive regime and forced to fight for my rights, I might think about getting myself a few guns. And if the regime just wants to hand me one, what's left for me to do but say thank you and, oh, by the way, I'll coming back for some more? With my gun. That you were stupid enough to let me have. Our forefathers would have at least been smart enough to say, " can have the vote. Provided you roll around on these smallpox blankets first! Mwaa-haa-haa!"

So for real, DC. If you want the vote--take the guns. Trust me, dumping a bunch of tea in the water just doesn't have the same je ne sais quoi anymore. And, to you pro-vote forces on the Hill--bring that bill back and don't be deterred by the gun ban amendment. DC's gonna need to swallow the pill in order to get out of the motherfucking Matrix.


Me said...

Why is it that so many liberal bloggers think that they have to pepper their posts with obscenities?

Do you think that it makes you look serious, or that people will somehow believe that you have some sort of street cred just because you can swear like a junior high kid? Conservatives don't do this. We're nice. Maybe that's why America identifies with us more.

Any time you doubt it, check out Lagniappe's Lair at:

No profanity, but a double-helping of common sense.

The Deceiver said...

You've made the amateur mistake of confusing me with a liberal blogger. We subcribe to the political principles of DCeiverism, our chief tenet being: Suck it if you can't handle it.

At any rate, here's hoping that whole being "nice" thing works out for you! I can assure you, the smarter conservatives wisely gave up on all that shizz a long time ago!

KCinDC said...

What the hell? Is this guy doing a blog search for profanities and then spamming his blog in the comments?

I know it's too wonky for the post, but you neglected the big problem with the amendment: it requires voting against DC's self-rule in order to grant DC a House vote. This isn't about gun laws -- it's about whether DC voters and their elected representatives should have whatever laws they make overruled by Congress.

rock_ninja said...

I dunno, I heard Karl Rove is really nice, in a Monty Burns-megalomaniac kind of way, which may be why America identifies with him more...

Anyhoo, March for DC Voting Rights. April 16th. 2:30 p.m. Freedom Plaza (so's you can watch truants skateboarding!). Fuck yeah!

rock_ninja said...

I dunno, I heard Karl Rove is pretty "nice" in a Money Burns-megalomaniac kind of way, which may be why America identifies with him more.

Anyhoo, April 16th. 2:30 p.m. Freedom Plaza. March for DC Voting Rights.
Fuck yeah.