Friday, March 30, 2007

DCeiver presents: "Really? Really."--featuring Charles Krauthammer.

First, read: Krauthammer is teh stupid.


Charles! You've been talking foreign policy with, uhm...Martians? Really? What have you been telling them? Because if they've brought the cure for cancer or Martian whores with eight titties, you are so wasting their time.

I get it. Really. You have set up a lame Socratic experiment with these fictional Martian overlords, casting them as neutral observers (and do you think that Martians can be counted on to remain neutral, Charles? Really? Ever read Ray Bradbury? Because, really, Charles. Martians typically bring their own biases to the discussion. They aren't the Swiss. And even if they were, they'd probably launder al Qaeda's gold or something. Really, Charles. Really.

You call Afghanistan: "...a geographically marginal backwater with no resources and no industrial or technological infrastructure."

Really, Charles? Really? No resources? Really. Because my opium dealer just chortled, with this sarcastic edge. Really, Charles. He thinks you are one big dumbass. No technological infrastructure? Really? Somebody better go and tell ZTE Corporation! Last year, they received a contract from the Afghan government to build a nationwide fiber optics network.

Really, Charles. Also: google Unocal. Just do it, Charles. Really. I'll wait.

Back? Really? Good. Charles, isn't it funny how people have been fighting over this worthless backwater for nearly fifty years? There was this nation, Charles, known as the Soviet Union. Really. And they fought tooth and nail and bring Afghanistan under their dominion, and we fought tooth and nail to stop them. We even trained and armed a goodly number of people to fight on our behalf who've now gone and started plotting against us! It's sort of really, really hilarious.

And really, Charles, it's just not fair of you to fail to point out to the Martians that Afghanistan is run by a group of seemingly immortal radicals known as the Taliban. Really, Charles, you should tell them that our strategy against the Taliban has been to pretend to defeat them, constantly insist in the media that they have been defeated, and to change the subject everytime someone points out that those guys are still running that Afghan shit. Really.

Here's how you describe Iraq, and, really, Charles, this is altogether too much: "...with untold oil wealth, an educated population, an advanced military and technological infrastructure that, though suffering decay in the later years of Saddam Hussein's rule, could easily be revived if it falls into the right (i.e., wrong) hands."

Really? Really? Because, I've actually been paying attention, Charles, and what you call mere "decay" could better be called "non-existent." Really. You obviously were out, tracking Martians when we went to war with Iraq for the second time. Let me fill you in: militarily speaking, Iraq did not have to capacity to boil a can of soup. This is why we were able to knife through to Baghdad without opening a Northern front or building supply lines or bothering to install a rear guard as we went North. We faced outgunned and outmanned petty soldiers who mostly abandoned the efforts of fighting us after it became clear that they weren't under any organized command. Really. And Iraq had no nuclear, chemical, or biological weapons. Really.

So, what's going to fall into the wrong hands? Really, Charles. The insurgency is making do with souped up electric can openers and homemade explosives. OH NO! YOU MEAN OUR ENEMIES MIGHT DISCOVER THE AWFUL TRUTH--THAT THE FIRE...IT BURNSES, IT BURNSES!

Ha! Really, Charles. Really.

When you talk about how Iraq has become important to the war on terror, you make it sound like Osama bin Laden decided one day it should be so. Really! You do! What you really seem to be forgetting is that making Iraq the central front in the war on terror was NOBODY'S IDEA BUT OUR OWN. Our announced intention was "to fight the terrorists there rather than fight them here." Really! That was the essential part of the whole plan! And I really wonder: was there ever a moment where the Iraqi people--who I assume are the good guys because we want to give them democracy and freedom and splash parks--said: "You want to fight the terrorists in our backyard? Hmmm...okay, that sounds good!" I really, really wonder that sometimes.

Really, Charles. When you set up shop in Iraq and then tell the terrorists to "Bring it on!", it's really lame to then act all aggrieved when the enemy takes you up on your offer. Really.

Hey, Charles! As it so happens, I have one of your imaginary Martians here with me! Really! It's awesome! We're drinking Martian absinthe and cooking up S'mores with lasers that shoot right out of his eyes! IT IS FUCKING BANANAS, DUDE! He and I are communicating TELEPATHICALLY! IT IS THE AWESOMEST! REALLY!! He's got a lot to say on the matter, so I'll translate:

"Hey, Charles! It's really good to talk to you! Really. I mean, really. You know, we have a joke on Mars: in a soft voice, we say 'A Krauthammer says what?' And then the other person, who can't understand what you are saying, says, "What?" And then you laugh! Because he's a Krauthammer! Oh, my. Really. It sure turns our faces orange. You should see the kids laugh! I guess you kinda have to be there. On Mars, I mean. And, really, when are you coming here? Your President Bush says he wants to come to Mars in his super-spaceship, right? Really? Where are you going to get the money to pay for that? Because, really, we think China is going to get here first. We're all learning how to deploy the chopsticks! Really!

Let me get this straight. Really. You guys were attacked, so you mounted a major war against people who didn't attack you? Really? And you gave the people who attacked you a big old pass? And you turned Iraq into a giant breeding ground for your enemies? Really? And you partnered with nuke-selling, al Qaeda-abetting Pakistan in this effort? Really? Really. And now you want to attack another country that DOES have massive military infrastructure even though the people that don't are currently playing you to a draw--and really, I'm being charitable calling it a draw because, really, let's be facing it, it's not costing the insurgency all that much money to just sit back and wait to take over! Really. I have had to learn a new word to describe your country's tactics: appeasement. Really! It is as if you think you are fighting a war with some sort of purpose when really, really your nation has already surrendered a long time ago. Really. We do not have a word for this on Mars! LASER BEAM EYES, remember?

What? Oh, my! Really? REALLY? DCeiver is telling me that you had the opportunity to end this Saddam shit back in the early 1990's and you DIDN'T? REEEAAALLLY?!? You all were in charge then, and you had the opportunity to take him out then and didn't? Oh, my. That is really, really hilarious! As your bloggers say: OMG! Ohhhh. I really must pause for the laughter."

Wow, Charles! He is really dying of laughter! Really. Anyway Charles, it must be really, really nice to get paid to say demonstrably idiotic things! You have fun with your imaginary Martians...but, really, you should tell them the whole truth when you engage them in these empty headed Socratic exercises. Because they will really FUCK YOU UP HUGE when they find out you've lied to them! Laser beam eyes, Charles.

What's that, my imaginary Martian friend? Wow. You are absolutely right! Things would be a lot better if the one we call Ghostface Killah was President! Really! All right, dude, let's go show Tom Tancredo what a real illegal alien looks like! And can do with his eyes!


Chrisafer said...


The Truffle said...

Mr. Krauthammer also conveniently forgets that abandoning Afghanistan for Iraq is kind of like eating at Wendy's instead of McDonald's. The two nations have more in common than he'd like to admit--namely, they're near-failed nations with religious and/or ethnic conflicts. It's just that Afghanistan has taken a bigger beating militarily.

I wish Mr. Krauthammer would be abducted by Martians and we'd never see him again.