Monday, March 05, 2007

Rock Critics: Break out your Neon Thesauruses!

So tomorrow, or, if you're insufferably dorky but not dorky enough to already have the whole thing from the interwebs, tonight, we will see the release of Neon Bible by the Arcade Fire, whereupon this series of tubes will become clogged wholesale with music blogger jizz.

Pitchfork, who subsist on an all jizz diet, have already thrown down the gauntlet, giving an "8.4"--whatever the holy fuck that means--I am not fluent in dipshit, people. They have deployed, however, a number of the English language's most expensive words. Like: magnitudinous. Incantatory. Compartmentalize. Cathartic. Like woah: This ain't a scene, it's a spelling bee! A lotta graduate degree frontin', in other words. (I sorta love how Pitchfork speaks of a "transition into extroversion" as if it were finally being achieved, which is something only someone who'd never heard of the Arcade Fire could possibly say, but I digress.)

Clearly, the bar has been set. So all of you who will, tomorrow, take on the task of putting your Neon Bible experience into words, you need to bring your "A" game. So to help you on the way, we have provided you with some perfectly applicable vocabulary words to use in your review. Mix and match, pick and choose, or even work your ass off to use them all...either way you slice it, you will have the tools to craft a searingly trenchant examination of this album. Also: do not use "searingly," "trenchant", or "examination" in your review. They're all played out. Same goes for "dichotomy," okay?

antediluvian
aspidistra
Chassagnetastic
chupacabra
dicacious
Dumbledorative
endophoric
eneagled
epistolary
floccinaucinihilipilification
lacunae
manganese
Obamagasm
perambulations
polytetrafluoroethylene
rechauffe
saffron-infused
seladang
snackytime junction
Steven Bochco-esque
supererogatory
verfremdungseffekt
volacious
zyphoid process
...or any lengthy quotation from Cicero's Oration on the Catiline Conspiracy

Anyway, we hope that many of you are up to the challenge. Esperance! To you all!

(Please note: With regard to a sliding scale of standards, we are happy to furnish Big Yawn with a five-dollar bill if they manage to spell "fire" correctly and use the word "goodest" only once in their review.)

1 comment:

rock_ninja said...

"Pitchfork, who subsist on an all jizz diet, have already thrown down the gauntlet, giving an "8.4"--whatever the holy fuck that means--I am not fluent in dipshit, people. "

Truer words ne'er were spoken. I have moved on to Stylus for all my bloviating critic needs. At least they care about sentence structure. And they have a good point about NB- it's no Funeral, but it grows on you in a kudzu kinda way.
http://www.stylusmagazine.com/reviews/arcade-fire/neon-bible.htm