Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Random Thoughts inspired by American Idol

I'm listening to this kid absolutely drown in the shallow waters of that Rob Thomas/Santana mashup that AOR couldn't get enough of. Ick. Ick.

I think Paul K. and I have the exact same opinion on Santana, and what he does to music. It goes like this:

A song starts up, and all sounds well. It's trucking its way through an inoffensive verse, on the way to a not altogether hateful chorus. All seems right with the world. And then, out of nowhere, Santana, this crusty-ass douchebag jumps headlong into the mix, laying down some horrible, frenetic, ass-sounding guitar solo, wearing a pained expression as if the full-tilt horror of Albert Gonzalez's tender mercies have been visited upon him. The solo lasts about five-minutes too long and the sound of it causes the spirits of tiny infants waiting to be born to shrivel up and twist into misshapen, sorrowful snots on their way to their mothers wombs. Then, finally, after all the good taste has been permanently drained from the listener's mouths, Santana finishes up, leaves the room, and every Baby Boomer in Christendom falls to their knees, begging: "Oh, you golden Latin Jewel! Please, please, AURALLY RAPE US SOME MORE!!"

I mean all of that LITERALLY.


PK said...

It's bad enough to suck, and have a musical style that basically amounts to, "you play something, and I will just shit all over it with my faux-blues quasi-Latino licks." But there is a special place in Hell for Santana because of his impact on other guitar players with no musical sense, who now think it's perfectly OK to "solo" (ahem) through entire songs, even when Rob Thomas isn't the singer.

mistersmartyhoohahpants said...

When I first heard Carlos Santana's "comeback" I thought
to myself, "Gee, that sort of sounds like me, at 17, learning to play guitar to the radio. I should have compressed the bejeezus out of that shit and released it on EMI, so I wouldn't be stuck here in this friggin' office job." When I think of all the time I've spent not snorting coke off of strippers' asses, it sends a chill down my spine.