Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Nobody Knows Who You Are!

Okay. I saw the latest Spiderman sequel, and liked it. Yeah, the second one was better, yadda blah de blah. I still found it enjoyable, in spite of or perhaps because of the way my expectations were calibrated by the lukewarmy reviews.

Nevertheless, there were five things that struck me as just sort of lame or implausible:

1. Can a construction crane really freak the fuck out like that? Because DC is home to, like, ten kabillion cranes, and I've never heard of one going all whirly like the one in the movie. I'm just going to have to accept that scene as Sam Raimi making an allegorical statement against the Atlantic Yards project.

2. So, basically, there's this black goo...from SPACE! And when it touches you, you become some sort of Conor Oberst/weirdie hepcat. Really? I am prepared to believe that what we know as "emo" is actually the result of a symbiotic relationship between hipster douchebags and evil space slime. More research should be conducted.

3. Speaking of research, what exactly did those scientists hope to accomplish by spinning a bunch of flourescent lights around in an empty pit? I just didn't get that at all! How on earth did they receive their funding? I'd love to read their grant application: "Yeah. We basically want to dig a hole in a swamp and spin some freaked up lights around inside the hole. We hope to study the effects of...uhm...you know: stuff and shit. Give us money!" Having Flint Marko fall in and get all sandified was like, the only thing that could have made their experiments interesting.

4. I found it hard--nay, impossible--to root for Spidey to reconcile with Kirsten Dunst so long as there was an extant chance that he could get it on with Bryce Dallas Hottie. Sorry. I simply cannot accept any counter-argument to this as being outside the provenance of total morons.

5. Hey! Thanks a lot, kindly old butler from the staffing firm of Deus, Ex, and Machina who we've never seen before! The information you provided to Harry Osborn was absolutely key to achieving a happy ending! One question: What the fuck was stopping you from telling Harry two fucking movies ago?

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