Monday, June 18, 2007

The Audacity of Dopes: Secret Service Hearts Obama

From the Washington Post we learn that the Secret Service has conferred upon Barack Obama a dope new nickname: "Renegade." If that doesn't endear Obama to Rage Against the Machine's Tom Morello, I don't know what will.

It's a pretty hype nickname to be carting around in these times of fighting a global war on terror. Obviously, the Secret Service has spoken, believing Obama to be the guy who's gonna clean up Deadwood with a jaunty mean streak and a cunning smile. Back when Time magazine was holding their fete for their 100 Influential People, I wondered what might happen if honoree Osama Bin Laden showed up. I don't know if Barack was there himself, but chances are, if he had been, and if he'd seen bin Laden across the room--no doubt chatting up Cate Blanchett!--he would have recognized the opportunity to win the election outright and he would have walked over and killed bin Laden with his bare hands.

It would have been a splashy party, for sure. I'd have a picture of Obama with my ETP colleagues Rachel and Julia, posing on either side of Obama as he brandished Bin Laden's head and smoked a cigar with a big grin. No one could tell him he couldn't smoke then! And in every debate, he could answer every question the same way--"I alone have feasted on the enemies of this Nation, and the their blood, with which I have slaked my thirst, has only made me more powerful!" We'd likely be unable to wait to vote for this post-modern Beowulf.

Alas, this didn't happen. But "Renegade" did, and there can be little doubt that his people leaked that shit immediately. By contrast, Hillary's Secret Service nickname is "Evergreen"--because no matter how cold the weather gets and how blasted the terrain becomes, she absolutely will not die.

Other Secret Service nicknames you may not know about include:

Joe Biden: "Plagiarist"
Sam Brownback: "Funbags"
Christopher Dodd: "Topher"
John Edwards: "Yglesias"
Jim Gilmore: "Expendable"
Rudy Giuliani: "Douchebag"
Mike Gravel: "Eraserhead"
Mike Huckabee: "Edward Penishands"
Duncan Hunter: "Cilantro"
Dennis Kucinich: "Teacup"
John McCain: "Aim For His Stomach"
Ron Paul: "Fountainhead"
Bill Richardson: "Senor Bad Touch"
Mitt Romney: "Sevigny"
Tom Tancredo: "Cumdumpster"
Fred Thompson: "Necessary Roughness"
Tommy Thompson: "The Other Thompson Guy"

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