Oh, youth of America. We don't enjoy the best relationship, you and I. Your sulking makes me nervous and your teenaged unpredictability sometimes horrifies me. And fuck if I can understand why you guys have to be so damned spastic all the time! I was walking through a Metro Station behind two of your young gentlemen this weekend, the whole time thinking: "Jesus! Just walk in a straight motherfucking line! Don't slap that! Why do you have to slap everything? Why can't you simply walk without a mess of flailing limbs? I don't understand!"
I forget, sometimes: you all have it pretty rough. It seems like from Grade 7 to 12 has only gotten shittier since I left that age behind. And this week, the Washington Post reminded us of this fact in a story too crazy-ass to believe:
Fairfax County middle school student Hal Beaulieu hopped up from his lunch table one day a few months ago, sat next to his girlfriend and slipped his arm around her shoulder. That landed him a trip to the school office.I want you to know, I am typing "What The Fuck!?!" just as hard as I possibly can.
Among his crimes: hugging.All touching -- not only fighting or inappropriate touching -- is against the rules at Kilmer Middle School in Vienna. Hand-holding, handshakes and high-fives? Banned. The rule has been conveyed to students this way: "NO PHYSICAL CONTACT!!!!!"
Oh, my Good, sweet, Christ-on-a-Cranberry-Cross. You have got to be fucking kidding me! Really? Really? No physical contact? Oh my God, Joyce Kilmer Middle School, you had better have a pretty damned good reason for this nonsense.
Deborah Hernandez, Kilmer's principal, said the rule makes sense in a school that was built for 850 students but houses 1,100. She said that students should have their personal space protected and that many lack the maturity to understand what is acceptable or welcome.Right! If only mankind could conceive of some sort of INSTITUTION that, oh...I don't know, leveraged the knowledge of skilled professionals in an effort to maybe INSTILL LEARNING about what is and isn't "appropriate."
Deborah Hernandez basically comes to us, circa today, an obvious survivor of a harrowing fall through the Dipshit Tree, having, during her rapid descent, managed to hit every single branch. That's all the needs to be said about that, though, if you read the remainder of the article in the Post, I assure you, you will want to kill yourself.
It falls to us here at the DCeiver to attempt to provide some advice to the young students who are subject to the inane rules of this confederacy of dunces who run this school. In the first place: Students of Kilmer Middle School, take heart! This non-contact rule is the Height of all Things Asinine. We're very sorry to have learned of your plight and are moved by your circumstance.
By means of advice, let me tell you, the students of Kilmer Middle School a story. One winter, many years ago, Wife of DCeiver (then merely GF of DCeiver) took a sojourn up to upstate New York to visit friends at Ithaca College and Skidmore. We had occasion to drive through Pennsylvania, and ended up on Route 81 (I think), and upon getting on this highway, we were greeted by stern signage detailing the extreme costs of tickets we would receive should we dare to speed. And the penalties started at 56 miles per hour. Now, I can't remember the exact cost of a speeding ticket at 56mph, but I remember it was excessive. No way I wanted one. So, I drove all the way through Pennsylvania with one paranoid eye on the speedometer, cursing my lack of cruise control. The whole ordeal was a miserable experience. All that work, trying to satisfy Pennsylvania's crazy laws.
After it was over, I realized something: at just about any point in the trip, I could have easily been tagged with a speeding ticket and forced to hand over money. My attempts to control the circumstances were naive and belied my lack of real roadtrip experience. But, realizing that I was as likely as not to get a ticket even putting forth a massive effort to comply with the law, I finally said, "Fuck this. I may as well speed all out. If I'm going to risk getting ticketed at 56, I may as well get ticketed for doing something significant. So, on the return trip, I kept my speed up around 80.
You guys at Kilmer are in much the same situation. Not only is the no-touching rule asinine on its face, but it's so easy to accidentally violate it that there's simply no point in trying to comply with it in good faith. Proper relationships involve touching! It's in our nature to reach out, form bonds, achieve intimacy. A handshake is a precursor to a warm friendship, a high-five is a simple means of celebrating accomplishment, a hug can comfort or arouse.
In short, we're wired for this stuff. And you young middle schoolers are so freaking spazzy as it is, that trying to regulate this shit is a fool's errand.
So look, kids. You can make yourself miserable trying to obey this rule or you can resign yourself to the fact that you'll never be able to comply with this rule and, if you're going to get caught anyway, you may as well get busted for doing something truly memorable.
Basically, I guess I'm talking about handjobs. Enjoy your summer break, kids!