Friday, July 27, 2007

The Audacity of Dopes: Oceans of Porn

I just watched this sublimely awful advertisement from Mitt Romney, which practically screams, "Seriously! Do not under any circumstances take me seriously as a candidate for President!" The only way he could drive the point home harder and faster and with greater pelvic torsion would be to start talking with Chairy and Clocky and the King of Cartoons and shrieking like a ninny anytime anyone said the magic word of the day.

Basically, he talks about the children and cesspools and quotes some dribble-drabble that oozed its way out of Peggy Noonan's word-hole and he makes it clear that he doesn't just want to be the guy to take over the job of losing the Endless Iraq War, he wants to re-lose Columbine or the OJ trial, too. If you just tune in for a snippet, you might coincidentally hear him talk about "cleaning up the water" for "THE CHILDREN!!!" But don't worry, petrochemical lobby...he doesn't want to literally make water safe. No, no! He wants to drain the water of pornography, and, since there are no ACTUAL bodies of water in which indigenous porn flourishes, what he really means is that he wants to drain the water of metaphors, perhaps even similes.

Which is ironic, because if there were an actual body of water with naturally occuring porn, the value of the fishing rights alone would be sufficient to fund all the Wars Against the Islamo-"fascists" that are set to occur until it either bankrupts the nation or causes Jesus to fly down from Heaven to set the lot of us on fire. And if we could fund these wars in that way, you'd likely get enthusiastic buy-in from all the neocon Satan-nerds, to the extent that Peggy Noonan would happily accept the fact that she'd need to wipe a dollop of spermatazoa from her chin every time she left a meeting at the American Enterprise Institute.

Anyway, Mitt Romney, everyone. Reach For Tomorrow!

1 comment:

kwah said...

Wasn't Mitt on the board of a big hotel chain that makes much of their profit from in-room porn? In any case, here's the YouTube ad that Romney should be using:
Rudy Giuliani - Not a Mormon
i guess there's a mystery behind where these ads are coming from. someone named abrad2345.