Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Highlights From Hill Hotties 2007

Well, once again, it's the end of July, and The Hill is back with their annual 50--a.k.a. 25 Too Many--Most Beautiful People Wasting Their Lives On Capitol Hill. As a tradition, it's firmly entrenched. So much so that Patrick at FishbowlDC's tried to bogart a little buzz for himself by running a Hottie Media Types contest, who by and large and to their eternal credit, end up being way way hotter than their Hill competition. Because my crew runs this shit, our officially endorsed media hottnesses, Catherine Andrews (Female Off-Air) and Kriston Capps (Male Off-Air), are running away with their categories. Keep up the voting, folks, and we can put this to bed real nice and early.

That said, I'd like to direct your attention to the Female Off-Air category. Surely we can all agree that if the supremely awful Nedra Pickler ends up with more votes than Liz and Garance, then there is no way any of us can consider ourselves winners. So, spare some voting effort for them as well. Remember, each vote for Nedra Pickler may as well be a vote for putting the young children in your family in an al Qaeda anal gangbang video.

As for The Hill, well...they never take our advice. We beseeched them to cut this shit down to 25 people--no luck. The pages are, as always, shittily coded and edited--as of this writing, listee Michael Ortiz's picture is accompanied by a bunch of question marks and "Bio coming soon." But what's a striking downgrade this year from previous years is the shitty, shitty choices the editors made as far as what photos to run. A ton of the photos you'll see in the article are long shots that keep us at a distance from whatever aesthetic appeal these folks have. And the colors, so vibrant in past editions, are muted, as if the Great Spirit of Khaki Ennui rose up to smite style and color and vim. Check out the 2006 and 2005 editions, and tell us if you think this year isn't a significant step in the wrong direction.

As for the current crop of Hill Hotties, well...there are some good looking folks here, we can't deny. You go to war with the Hill Hotties you have, you know? At any rate, we couldn't be more pleased to play a part in getting some of these folks' names forever connected to the phrase "al Qaeda anal gangbang video." Good luck with those Google searches, dorks!

And, so, on with the show that is The 50 Most Beautiful People on Capitol Hill.

Kathleen O'Neill
The Hill weirdly compares O'Neill to Jewel, presumably because she lived out of a van or has a book of shit ass poetry laying around somewhere. She says, her father once advised her, "
No job is too small...Every job is equally important." She just hasn't met all of Hillary's interns, yet.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi
You sort of have to hand it to Nan. At 67, the woman is definitely looking good. I mean, when I hit that age, I'm going to look like 35 more miles of bad road than I do now. Man, she's gonna eat Cindy Sheehan for breakfast.

Rep. Connie Mack
Hey, this shitstain is my parents representative, and, as such, is probably high on their list of the Top Ten Reasons They Are High-Tailing It The Fuck Out of His District Just as Fast as They Can.

Diana Oo
Easily the best last name on the Hill. Diana's the hottest Sri Lankan since M.I.A. dropped "Galang" and gave every music blogger on earth a multiple Arulpragasam. She says that working on the Hill made her realize that she could "combine my love of policy with my love of intellectual property." Sadly, unless the policy and the intellectual property move to Vermont, they'll have to make do with a civil union.

Mustafa Ali
Paging Andre 3000: I think it's safe to say that Ali, who works for Conyers, is down for the cause.

Rebecca Ramey
Here's one of those quintessential The Hill moments. They make a huge deal about how Rebecca Ramey likes the color red. She "doesn't blend in." She loves red shoes and carries a red tote. This allows her to "stand out in a way that is both flashy and conservative." So, what color does The Hill go out of their way to make sure doesn't appear in the photograph? Sigh.

Todd Valentine
Todd Valentine says he spends his social life visiting places off a "well-edited list of hip spots in the Chinatown area." To a normal Washingtonian, a "well-edited list of hip spots in the Chinatown area" is a fancy synonym for "blank sheet of paper." Not to belabor the point, but if you want to print this post out to share with friends, be sure your printed is loaded with a ream of well-edited lists of hip spots in the Chinatown area.

Sarah Barfield
Sarah, who's got the sort of "front porch" that Trent Lott prefers in his receptionists, was active in pageants back home in Illinois, and says she is looking to "stay active" in that world here in DC. "It's a great incentive to stay active [ed. Yes, The Hill borrowed Barfield's quote in the previous sentence...nice editing!] and stay in shape," Barfield told The Hill, adding, "Christ, anything to take me away from this shithole."
Rep. Heath Shuler
Gotta hand it to Heath. He was a much better quarterback than George Allen ever was, and he's a much better Representative than he was a quarterback. Thus, by the transitive theory of equality, Shuler's a much better lawmaker than Allen as well. Though that's not saying much. I could build a person out of a wheelbarrow full of week-old hobo stool that'd be superior to George Allen in just about every conceivable field of endeavor.

Sarah Platts
The Hill says Sarah Platts will be leaving Capitol Hill very soon, so, bang her while you have a chance, people!

Nathan Britton
Britton says he was too turned off by the corruption to get involved in government, but changed his mind after he spent time in Chile. Which begs the question: what the fuck are they doing in Chile that's somehow more gutterfied than our own Congress of bribe-seekers, page-molesters, whore-mongers and war criminals? Are they cannibals? It's also noted that Britton wrote a 25-page thesis on Derrida. Ahh, post-structuralism. As I noted elsewhere, it comes in handy when dealing with the Bush administration.

Brady Van Engelen
Why we have such great pity for the Hillites, reason #2465: Because they will be dressing like it's the fourth day of fraternity rush at Clemson until well into their dotage. Moment of silence, please.

Kathleen Taylor
Uhm...yum? Taylor says: "
I got really lucky, and I’m just trying to suck up [information] as much as I can." Hello, nurse! One question: The Hill notes, "She also has an older sister who...is part of the Indiana diaspora living in Chicago." Uhm...yeah. I don't think hailing from Hammond entitles you to consider yourself part of a "diaspora."

Jeff Eisenhauer
Surreptishus cock fondling??!11! Ur doin it wr0ng.

Orlander Harrison
In previous iterations of the Hill Hotties list, the token police officer was depicted wearing the Towering Hat Of Justice. By contrast, Orlander Harrison prefers to accessorize with the Shining Pocket Beacon of Freedom. When all is dark, the light of Orlander Harrison will guide you home. NEVER FORGET!

Katie Hargis
Hargis: frequently mistaken for statuary.

Jessica Smith
As if I needed another reason to be glad Jim Webb was in office! We envy whoever has to search her for Webb's many illegal firearms.

Iris Ho
Iris told The Hill that she was taking extreme measures in advance of her photo shoot. "
[The camera] is going to put on five pounds, so I did try to limit my intake." Little did she know that they'd be taking her picture with the camera that adds a formless orange trenchcoat in lieu of five pounds.

Rep. Yvette Clarke
I think we can all agree, Yvette Clarke has come a long way for a woman whose wardrobe was assaulted by a Linens-N-Things from the year 1985.

Jaci Reid
It's not everybody on Capitol Hill who can convincingly lean seductively against the wall whilst extending a beckoning arm into soft focus, but fuck, if you've got it, flaunt it.

Derrick Ramos
When you ask if he thinks he’s a workaholic, his answer is immediate. 'Definitely, I go home and think about [work]. I wake up and I check my BlackBerry,' adding, 'And, as you can see, I use a high-tension rod specifically calibrated for maximum severity stuffed high up my ass. Seriously, I can't move. An intern has to push me around on a handtruck."

Betsy Barrett
Oh dear: "
Betsy Barrett has been in Washington only for a short time, but thanks to her Arkansas connections, she has found a group of friends with whom she can call hogs." According to The Hill she "has been known to break out the call 'after a few drinks.'" Congratulations, Betsy, at firmly cementing your reputation on Late Night Shots.

Bandele McQueen
Bandele McQueen likes to drape his suitcoat for "maximum trapezoidery."

Charlie Hurt
For Charlie Hurt, the journey began with the decision to get the "Josh Lyman" haircut. And thus was a pretentious douchebag born.

Guy Lipa
Guy Lipa's claim to fame is mastering the facial expression known as "the VandeHei." FUN FACT: Mastering "the VandeHei" remains the one thing Jim VandeHei has mastered, though we hear he's hard at work on those shoelaces again.

And, as always, let's pause to remember the most legendary Hill Hottie of all: Carling Dinkler.


The Entire Big Head DC Staff said...

Your posts are too long, Jason.

The Deceiver said...

Yes, this blog is not geared toward unemployable and universally disliked fuckwits, it's true.

allez oop said...

You had me at "4th day of fraternity rush at Clemson". Bravo! Oh, and um, go Tigers?

Wait - on the subject of long posts, I really miss teh awesome LOST recaps.

OrangeCrush said...

As someone who particpated in the "4th day of fraternity rush at Clemson," I loved it.

Anonymous said...

what about the chick who wore a short short skirt? do you think she'd care if her boss saw her in that shot?

I'd rather not be stalked by psychopaths said...

"The Entire Big Head DC Staff" = Rob Capriccioso and his imaginary friends.

Andrew said...

the second to last guy looks like surfjam stevens

the bee in dc said...

i too noticed the oddity about the "lady in red"

The Entire Big Head DC Staff said...

Shuddup, Jason. You're just jealous. Na. Naa. Naaaa.

The Deceiver said...

Oh, quiet down sockpuppet. If you can tangibly define a single point on which it would even for it to possible to be jealous of an unemployed, delusional cretin who lards his resumes with amateurish, easily detectable lies and whose face is always glazed in flopsweat and the great sticky tears of envy at every gainfully employed person in DC, then I might give the matter some due thought...oh, wait--no I won't, I forgot: I have a life.

And, btw? Karen Feld worship? So last millennium. So fuck off, yr pwned, creep! LOL!

Velobella said...

Hey what about the chick in the 70's shortie short suit, cleavage busting, Saturday Night Feveresque, how the fuck can she wear that shit to work let alone a night club whore, I mean Jessica Andrews???

Cynthia said...

God love you for the Clemson comment.

Clemson U.
Class of '99

etcetera said...

i think the funniest part is how seriously these "candidates" seem to take it all. the facial expressions, especially among the women, are hysterical.

its also fun watching you smack rob around in the comments.

Velvet said...

I must admit, I get giddy when I hear about the list coming out, just so I can read your commentary.

Just like last year, well done. Bravo.

Anonymous said...

Whoever just called Jessica a whore is a jealous butch who needs to get laid. Clearly. Lighten up, the Redskinettes are celebrities in this town, plus she obviously has a brain.