Monday, July 23, 2007

The Audacity of Dopes: Liveblogging the YouTube Debate

Thank you, for shaming the candidates, Chris from Portland! Chris from Portland for president! But Hillary dresses up in costume all the time!

No, five year olds don’t care about Social Security. They care about placing Harriet Miers in the stocks.

I think the candidates should have to to answer about the cyborgs!

Joe Biden is a dirty cheat.

Zach Kempf from Provo: What makes you all such suckpumps?
Dodd: Panders to the Citadel. Platitudes. Legislation you never heard of.
Obama: Something about nails. We are not going to fix healthcare! Overcoming special interests is important. But we won’t do that either.

Davis Fleetwood: You are really going to waste your question on Dennis Kucinich?
Dennis: I will deploy daisies and treaties fight the terrorists. You guys at the Citadel will not have to do anything.
Clinton: Thirty-five years of being an instrument of change? What were you before that? An oboe?
Obama: The Democrats suck! 1115 is right!

Rob Porter: To Clinton, how would you use the word liberal?
Clinton: Liberals, used to be for freedom, now it means commie cockstain. I like the word “progressive” because there is no fucking fly-by-night fad I won’t jump on board.
Obama: You know about my stinky money because I want you to!

Saheed Badmus: For Dodd. If you had to speed-date a Republican, who would it be? Lieberman!
Biden: Chuck Hagel, Dick Lugar. Now I’ll answer the imaginary question I hear in my head. Bosnia! End the money!
Edwards: Sure, Hagel. Now I’ll not even attempt to answer the question. But I will take away power. I am like a rolling blackout.

Chris Dodd’s dumbass video: I’ve got white hair! My haircuts cost a nickel. So suck it Edwards.
Will from Boston: Fucking ask the question! Oh, God. Reparations.
Edwards: No. Come on. I’m from North Carolina. But we’ll do something about mortgages.
Obama: No. But I’ve packed the hall with supporters. Watch. I’ll say the word “schools.” You hear that! Also: CORRIDORS OF SHAME!
Kucinich: I WILL GIVE YOUR MONEY TO SLAVES! Good luck with a bankrupt nation, though!

Morgan G.: Pile on FEMA everybody!
Dodd: A “dark” moment? I guess so. He’s pissed though. I WILL MAKE WHITE PEOPLE MOVE INTO HURRICANE ZONES. I WILL BRING BEARS!
Richardson: Anderson! You woke me up from my nap! INSURANCE COMPANIES MAKE HURRICANES! I will care! I will fondle you!

Jordan Williams: Obama/Clinton—How will you make the press less lazy and asinine.
Obama: OH PLEASE. You have no trouble catching a cab in Manhattan! The median income there is $200,000! Surnames should not impede dreams.
Clinton: I tried and tried, but I cannot stop being a woman. Hillary, me to you, you’ve basically proven to be very not good for me and my family.
Edwards: DON’T VOTE FOR ME. Now I’ll try to explain what my meddling wife was going on and on about. I LOVE POOR WOMEN!
Clinton: I love Elizabeth Edwards. Why isn’t she running? She will save us from the Cylons! NOW I AM YELLING!

Mary and Jen: We’re big old lesbians! Wanna fight about it?
Kucinich: Yes! Duh! The Citadel: LOVES THE GAYS.
Dodd: No marriage. Civil unions.
Richardson: Sorry. I dare not dream of things that are not achievable. VOTE RICHARDSON: Par for the course.

Rev. Reggie Longcrier: I love gays! Why don’t you Edwards.
Edwards: I don’t believe we should impose my beliefs on people. That said, I will impose them. I’m on a Journey. Don’t stop believing. My wife supports gay marriage, though. LET’S VOTE FOR HER.
Longcrier: I won’t even answer your question about my own question.
Edwards: If elected, I will find some other rationale to stopping the gays.
Obama: I will now pass air over my vocal chords for about sixty seconds.

Clinton’s video: A Michael Moore/Demetri Martin mashup! So viral!

Edwards' video: OMG! You are not talking about hair!

Richardson: I was at that camp! A women had been raped. I will use diplomacy to stop the rapes. And a no-fly-zone. Ground the airplanes, and use words to reason with the rapists. AIDS! Latin America! We will arm the Muslims to save Darfur!
Biden: I’m sick of Darfur! Blah blah blah! You will all die there! I’ve been to that camp, too! Some kid said: “Thank you, oh conquering overlord Biden!”
Gravel: Why won’t you let me answer questions?
Clinton: Sanctions! Divestment! No airplanes! Let the Europeans do it!

Barry Mitchell: How do we pull out now? How do we? Huh?
Obama: I saw into the future and saw how everything was going to go wrong! I should've warned you at the convention keynote address, but I waited until this moment because I didn't think it would be my problem.
Biden: We won't be pulling out now. It will take a year (he's right!). We will make a tripartite state! So suck it Turkey! Enjoy your Kurdish neighbor.

Mother of Soldier: WHY. THE. FUCK. WON'T. YOU. STOP. THIS. SHIT?
Clinton: Let me pander to them, for a minute. Here's some platitudes. Enjoy them. You'll be getting a lot more.
Kucinich: You didn't ask for a Democratic version of the war. Huh. That's a good answer.
Dodd: It's Bush's fault! How aren't you people getting this? I WILL SAVE DARFUR! DODD ANGRY!
Richardson: I will bring them home in six months, despite the fact that it is physically impossible! I will use the Deathly Hallows!

John: Mike Gravel--Defend your craziness.
Gravel: They died for ice cream! I AM SO INTENSE!
Obama: I will now recite Jack Murtha's talking points.
Edwards: No troops die in vain! All dogs go to heaven. This question is: some other question that John did not ask. WTF about Bush changing course? If YOU ARE PRESIDENT, course is changed!

Tony Fuller: Should women should register for the draft?
Dodd: Yes. You women need to start carrying your load around here!
Clinton: Yes. They shall go into battle, armed with my finest platitudes!
Obama: Tuskeegee! Tuskeegee! I WILL MAKE MY DAUGHTERS DIE FOR YOU!
Edwards: I know a chick fighter pilot! Also, my wife should be President.

John McAlperin: To Clinton: The muslims, they hate the women. So whatcha gonna do about that?
Clinton: Let me pander. Just a little one. OK, now, I've met with sheikhs. And Kings. And they take me seriously. I WAS AN INSTRUMENT! Only a woman can tame the wild A-Rab!

Stephen Sorta: Would you be willing to meet separately with the Axis of Evil.
Obama: My middle name is Hussein! I love talking to douchebags! Look who I go to work with every day!
Clinton: I will not meet with these jerks. I will not be used for propaganda purposes. I will throw many Presidential envoys in the water!
Edwards: I will meet with them, but first we'll do the work and the diplomacy. But there's an even better question that was not asked that I will now answer, and it is totally esoteric. VOTE FOR MY WIFE!

Gary Berry: Look at my flag collection. I want my sons to never die. MAKE THEM IMMORTAL.
Dodd: I will have them out by April 2008.
Richardson: Hey, let's chill. Let's provoke a debate. "I have no troops left." What?
Biden: It can't be done in six months asshole! I've been shot at! I will now make up a story about that man's son! He died from an IED. He baked delicious pies.
Clinton: Why is she talking to the paused screen? Why is she bitching about the President? Won't she be REPLACING the President?
Kucinich: Text message me!

Mike Gravel video: Longer than his combined statements! I'm surprised Anderson didn't interrupt that!

Bill Richardson video: My, that sucked.

Sheena Currell: Who was your favorite teacher?
Gravel: Fuck you, CNN.
Obama: Not anybody at any madrassa, that's for sure!
Biden: This priest taught me the platitudes I speak today.
Edwards: Blah, blah. Millworker. She specialized in uplifting the children of millworkers.

Alan Jourgenson, Ministry: Let's ROCK FOR EDUCATION! Would you scrap No Child Left Behind?
Richardson: Fuck yes. $40,000/year? Wouldn't that be a pay cut in Arlington? Children will dance!
Biden: Blame Kennedy! And the ghost of Paul Wellstone! It's like Nellie McKay says!

Mike Green, SC: Would you send yr kids to public school or private school.
Clinton: WTF? Chelsea went to Sidwell Friends!!!
Edwards: All my kids go to public school.
Clinton: I'm proud the Chelsea went to the shitty, shitty-ass public schools in Little Rock.
Biden: My kids went to private school because my wife and daughter were killed.
Kucinich: Public schools.
Gravel: Public and private. ABOMINATIONS!
Dodd: Public. Let me answer the question from before. I can do what Mike Gravel is not allowed to do.

Anne Laird, Planned Parenthood: Sex education.
Edwards: Elizabeth likes to joke around. VOTE FOR HER. Seriously, she's great. We taught them how to have sex.
Obama: Mitt Romney wants to let kindergarten get freaky too! So fuck that weirdo, dog-torturing freakjob.

Jackie and Dunlap: We're the local company of Greater Tuna. Edwards laughs at the country bumfucks. Clinton does too.

Greg Hamel: Will you protect the snowmen?
Kucinich: Refused to answer questions about snowmen.

Stephanie Mackley: I am awesome. My bathroom is well-lit. How will you influence Americans to conserve.
Gravel: I will tax you freaks into the darkness.
Dodd: I will tax the polluters.
Cooper: How many of you took a private jet.
Everyone raises their hands except Kooch and Gravel. Richardson can't remember. Then he tries to legalese his way out of it.

Shawn Jackson: What about nuclear power?
Edwards: No. Let's burn vegetables. And let's not liquefy coal. Nuclear power is too costly.
Obama: We should think about nuclear power. But blame Dick Cheney.
Clintons: I will propose a fund and pretend that the money for that fund doesn't come from taxpayers. Poof! I'm magical! And agnostic. Someone who knows the technologies will figure this shit out.

Melissa, CA.: Why won't you fucks fix the elections?
Richardson: I WILL PUSH THE COUNTRY! Touchstones? The problem is fool's gold? Young voters LOVE optical scanners. Hanging chads is teh SUXXORS!

Biden video: I'm sending my love down a hole.

SIDE NOTE: These YouTube videos are boring as shit.

Kucinich: Text me, and we'll end the war, and install Kelly Clarkson as the Secretary of Defense. SOUL PATROL!

Cecilia and Ashanti: Why won't you give us the minimum wage. Would you do your job for the minimum wage?
Gravel: I'd do this fucking job for free.
Dodd: No.
Everyone: Sure!
Obama: Fuck, yeah. We're rich! So is Romney!
Biden: So is Obama.
Kucinich: I'm a shrewd real estate investor.

Nancy McDonald: Why do so many people get to get out of paying Social Security?
Dodd: Let's start to address the issue so we solve it two decades after it's too late.
Obama: Let's put it on a firm footing! Whatever the fuck that means!

Fuland Del Tal: YOU ASSHOLES NEED TO FIX SOCIAL SECURITY AND MEDICARE. So: Raise taxes or cut benefits?
Richardson: Neither. We will fix it by curing disease and not raiding the trust fund and fund a goddamn 401K for everyone? WTF? Are you crazy!
EVERYONE ELSE: Thank God I didn't have to answer that question!

Remy, McLean VA: I hate paying taxes!
Biden: We'll tax the people who have money.

Guy who sounds like Randy Newman: Will you fucks raise my taxes?
Kucinich: Not in my weird fantasyland where I deconstruct our economic system.

Bunch of people: Please! Will one of you heal my diseases? We're dying out here on the YouTubes. Thanks, CNN, for cutting away from the video we have to READ.
Obama: All these fucks love the lobbyists too much! We will have a NEW SEATING ARRANGEMENT. And maybe a buffet dinner...something that will encourage people to mingle or something.
Edwards: There are millions of people suffering from these diseases. Like Elizabeth. Who'd be the best President ever. James Low? I didn't know my brother-in-law was a 50 year old dude with a cleft palate??
Clinton: Let me first pander to the sickies. Just in case some of you are alive when the election happens. I have the scars to show for my efforts in fighting for healthcare. But I can afford elective procedures to heal them.

Lucia Brawley: Will you help heal the Mexicans?
Dodd: What an important question! What an important issue! But I'd rather talk about stemcells! And junk food! But, okay, I'll cover them because I don't want their gross leprosy.
Richardson: I will cover even the ditchdiggers! The ditchdiggers!

Chris Nolan: I'm so sick of people named Bush and Clinton.
Clinton: I totally don't like the Bushes. Cut to Howard Dean. I'm proud of my husband. You should vote for him. And Elizabeth Edwards. In fact, those two should really hook up or something.
Obama: Ahhh...cynicism. Is that what you want? Who has a track record to bring about change? Pretend it's me, America. Pretend it's me.

Zennie Abraham, Oakland, CA.: WTF is up with this quarter?
Biden: I've got it in perspective!

Stephen Marsh: I don't believe in God. Also, my vocal track is off! Oh, no! God smote my YouTube video.
Edwards: I will help the atheists, as long as they help me fight the gay marriage.
Obama: I am proud of my Christian faith. Haven't you heard? NO MADRASSAS.

Richardson: We will attack poverty, with guns. Maybe even grenades. It'll be a quagmire.
Dodd: That guy needs therapy.

Obama video: We can do all this stuff! It'll be great! And if you have any idea how, let me know!

Jason Koop: One thing you like and one thing you don't like about the guy to your left. YES. THIS IS ROMPER ROOM BULLSHIT, YOUTUBE.
Gravel: I like Dodd's Dad, but he's a dirty fuck.
Edwards: I love yr husband. But lose that effing pink coat!
Clinton: Grrrr. I "like" Barack. We're ready to lead!
Obama: Turns right when asked to go left! is right!
Richardson: I will touch all these people inappropriately!
Biden: Dennis' wife is FUCKIN' HOT.
Kooch: Mike Gravel, you were, thirty years ago.'s a reminder about how effing hot Dennis Kucinich's wife is! Vote Elizabeth Edwards/Bill Clinton in 2008. Here's to another year and a half of Hillary pandering to everybody in Christendom! Tune in next time, when the GOP battles the YouTube for torture-porn supremacy!

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