Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Dick Cheney: Man of Letters

Hey kids! Remember a few days ago how President Bush had surgery because Alberto Gonzales told him that a bunch of polyps had to be removed from his colon because they weren't adequately following Karl Rove's grand ideological plan for the President's gastric system? Well, while those polyps were getting ready to spend more time with their families and write tell-all books about how Bush fucked up the world, Vice-President Dick Cheney was in charge! You probably realized that, though, round about the time a troubling eerieness crept up your spine and made you long for the chance to curl up inside some sort of fallout shelter and stop breathing.

Well, while Dick was President, he took the time to reflect on the occasion, and he penned a letter to his spawn, which Swampland has lovingly reproduced here. The author of that post and I spent a chunk of yesterday afternoon on the IM-Tubes expressing to one another how deeply creepy Cheney is, noting the following things:

1. The man literally cannot go even an hour without talking about fucking 9-11.
2. He signs his letter, "Acting President of the United States" and includes his middle initial.
3. He refers to himself as "Grandpa Cheney." Freakshow!
4. HA-HA! He thinks God loves him! LOL!
5. And, of course, after you read the letter, you die in seven days.

Cheney's like, the one grandfather who his grandchildren will find to be less alienating and scary once he lapses into senility. It made me wonder what a letter from Dick Cheney, recapping the family Christmas would be like:

"The kids and grandkids were up early this Christmas, turning the Naval Observatory into a riotous din of joy and color. Fortunately, everyone reached into their stockings soon enough, and there they found, lovingly giftwrapped, the same present I always stuff into their stockings: stern rebukes. Everyone fucking kept a lid on it after that, I can tell you!

PS: I bought Mary a copy of The Manny, to which she replied, "Dammit, Dad. You just don't get it, do you?" Fuck her. I'm going to get through to her one of these days, you watch."
We should all be glad that it was Paul, and not Dick Cheney, who wrote the First Epistle to the Corinthians, because that would have ruined every single wedding in recorded history.

1 comment:

Mrs. Dementor said...

Thanks for making me LOL with this one! What a smarmy character, maybe he is part-dementor.